- The Source of Our Resentments

The Source of Our Resentments




12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.

Postby Dallas » Wed Jul 08, 2009 4:49 pm

Hey Gunner, thanks for sharing!

Yep. Resentments are fatal.

We learned how to get rid of them -- now, we learn "where do they come from?" and then, we don't have to wait to get one -- to get rid of it! :wink:

If we don't get them -- we don't have to get rid of them! :wink:

For me, that's what the 4th Step taught me. It showed me that my resentments were the results of my "selfishness, self-centeredness, self-seeking, and being afraid."

If I can get rid of "selfishness, self-centeredness, self-seeking" I won't have any resentments or fear! :wink:

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Postby gunner48 » Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:51 pm

Trying to understand where you are going. I think we are talking about several items here.
Definition: SELFISHNESS-- to much concerned with ones own welfare or interest, showing little or no thought or care for others. showing or prompted by self interest.
SELF-CENTERED: occupied or concerned only with one's own affairs; egocentric; selfish
SELF SEEKING; a person only interested or mainly to futher his own interest
I refer back to def. of resentment. Entirely different things. I agree the only way I will ever be rid of Resentments are to Own my own selfish ways but I can be selfish selfcentered and self seeking without being resentful.
My ability to be self-centered, self seeking, and selfish is how I give resentments not how I recieve them. Once again I have to treat you in a way I want to be treated if I want To get OVER Resentments.
RESENTMENT PRAYER ON PAGE 67; FIRST PARA WE ASK GOD----AND GOD SAVE ME FROM BEING ANGRY
PAGE 68 THIRD PARA; WE ASK HIM TO REMOVE
resentments ARE HOW PEOPLE HARM ME
selfishness< self centeriness and self seeking IS HOW I HARM OTHER PEOPLE
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Postby Dallas » Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:17 pm

Sorry. I can see now that I wasn't clear enough in what I wrote. I'll go back and change it.

I wrote: "Source of Resentments" instead of "Source of Our Resentments."

When I wrote of 4th Step Inventory I automatically assumed, we would understand "Our list of resentments" and not a list of "Resentments that we caused in others."

I'll fix it.

My resentment is my feeling = "my emotion of anger being re-sent, or anger that is re-felt.".

When I originally became angry -- "angry" anger is the emotion that I was feeling at the moment that I became angry.

Re-sentment is when I'm "re-feeling" the old anger. The old anger is in the past. If I have a re-sentment, it is re-felling the old anger "in the present moment."

My feelings (emotions) are produced by my thoughts.

In my Fourth Step, I ended up discovering what the nature of "my thoughts" were -- that caused me to experience the anger and the resentment.

This, to me, was discovering "the exact nature of my wrongs."

Which to me, means "what was the source of my wrongs (what was the source of my resentments).

By the time I get to my column in the 4th Step to observe "the exact nature of my wrongs" -- I've already made the decision to not look at the other person or what they did (the event or action that they did) that caused me to be angry --

I believe this ties in directly to "the problem centers in the mind."

The problem centers in my thinking (that's what I do with my mind.

After I've become aware of "the problems in my thinking" then I can use Steps 5 through 9, to change my thinking.

If my "thinking changes" (as it does in being restored to sanity, at Step 10)... and I have carefully followed the instructions... my resentments will be gone.

I also believe this ties in with "So we had to get down to causes and conditions" mentioned on page 64.

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Postby GeoffS » Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:35 pm

Can I introduce 2 other ideas here which I have been told are our code:


PATIENCE

and

TOLERANCE

I often forget these, and often when I'm dealing with the mistakes of newcomers.
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Postby gunner48 » Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:41 pm

Thanks for everything. Have to sign off for a couple of weeks now. Heading to Montana.
Gunner out
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Postby Dallas » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:21 pm

Hey Gunner! Enjoy the fishing! Maybe you can send me a pic of the catches! (I sure wish I could be going with you! :cry: ) :wink:

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Postby Dallas » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:25 pm

Gunner wrote:Trying to understand where you are going. I think we are talking about several items here.


Ahhh! Good point that you mentioned!!! I understand!

Let's just focus on one of the items and get that one down, and then, we can see how the other items fit in with it! :wink:

Let's try: "Self-Centeredness" as the one item and see how far we can get with that one item. Then we'll tackle other stuff. :wink:

Dallas

Note: Kind of like when my fishing tackle gets all tangled up! I've got to start with one hook, or one sinker, or one line... at a time. And, as I go through each of them, one at a time... suddenly I notice that my tackle box it all straightened out!
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Postby GeoffS » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:53 pm

I once heard an OSM talking about his character defect driven behaviour - defects of any type in him, and what he said leaped out and got me right between the eyes, it's been a big help to me ever since.

I'll paraphrase...and try to look at self centredness (mine, not yours of course :lol: )

Character defects for me always come down to fear in the end.
Fear of losing something I already have.
Or fear of not getting something I think I need or want.

Say I'm acting in a basic self-centred way- say not sharing my time or interest in a loved one. Pretty self centred. They get annoyed by it and behave accordingly. I see this behaviour, blame them and fight back. We row etc. etc. I eventually say, yes sorry I'll try to be better. OK? NO!!! Not ok. All I've done is be more self-centred-say what I needed to to make a situation go away. I have not looked at my part in it, without knowing that how can I really change?

So I look at myself, maybe write it down. What do I find. I was self-centred, thinking that if I spend time with them I won't get time to do me stuff. I like doing me stuff, I need to do me stuff. (True we all need a bit of me time, thats ok-to read, do hobbies, whatever). What really went on here...I got scared I wouldn't have me time to play my music, burn cds etc. if I have to take an interest and be with someone else. I was frightened I would lose something I had, I thought action x would lead to outcome y (dishonest too huh?) . So acting through fear I made a big mess.

When I could see this I knew I had to do something. Talking with my sponsor and asking HP for guidance lead me to see that I needed to take a little action to adress the fears and the self-centred behaviour might change (note change, not vanish!) I came to believe that by giving a little of myself and my time to another and trusting gods outcome that it would be ok. After all gods outcomes cannot be bad can they? So I start to act less self-centred. The other person likes that and likes me doing it, spending time making them feel good makes me feel good. Now where did that fear go? By spending time with them they start to say stuff like "this has been great, haven't seen you at your cds for a while...I need to read some stuff, why don't you go do that for a while?"

Well what do you know. I've lost that fear, because god gave me two good outcomes for the price of one little anti-self-centred action.

Is it rocket surgery? Nope, not even brain science. But seeing it was completely beyond me under my own power. I engaged the power of the program of AA, sponsor and HP, and now I get to spend quality time with a loved one, and get encouraged to do my own thing in moderation too. Win win!!!!

And best of all I get to throw the experience out to others in case its of any use...

Thanks
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Postby Jools » Wed Jul 08, 2009 8:16 pm

Say I'm acting in a basic self-centred way- say not sharing my time or interest in a loved one. Pretty self centred. They get annoyed by it and behave accordingly. I see this behaviour, blame them and fight back. We row etc. etc. I eventually say, yes sorry I'll try to be better. OK? NO!!! Not ok. All I've done is be more self-centred-say what I needed to to make a situation go away. I have not looked at my part in it, without knowing that how can I really change?

So I look at myself, maybe write it down. What do I find. I was self-centred, thinking that if I spend time with them I won't get time to do me stuff. I like doing me stuff, I need to do me stuff. (True we all need a bit of me time, thats ok-to read, do hobbies, whatever). What really went on here...I got scared I wouldn't have me time to play my music, burn cds etc. if I have to take an interest and be with someone else. I was frightened I would lose something I had, I thought action x would lead to outcome y (dishonest too huh?) . So acting through fear I made a big mess.

When I could see this I knew I had to do something. Talking with my sponsor and asking HP for guidance lead me to see that I needed to take a little action to adress the fears and the self-centred behaviour might change (note change, not vanish!) I came to believe that by giving a little of myself and my time to another and trusting gods outcome that it would be ok. After all gods outcomes cannot be bad can they? So I start to act less self-centred. The other person likes that and likes me doing it, spending time making them feel good makes me feel good. Now where did that fear go? By spending time with them they start to say stuff like "this has been great, haven't seen you at your cds for a while...I need to read some stuff, why don't you go do that for a while?"

Well what do you know. I've lost that fear, because god gave me two good outcomes for the price of one little anti-self-centred action.


This is great stuff, Geoff, and something I really needed to hear. I'm so self-centered in this way. Isolating and not sharing myself with others, be it a loved one or someone new in the program. If I share myself with others, how can I lay around in the bed most of the day watching TV (isolating) which is what I love to do most.

I never looked at it as being self centered.

Thanx,
Julie
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Postby Dallas » Wed Jul 08, 2009 8:31 pm

I understand. :wink:

Some of the best information that I've ever found in regards to the "causes and conditions"... I found in pages 61 -63 BB.

It was amazing to go back through those pages "after" I had taken all 12 Steps. I began to see things there that I never saw before. I had "taken the actions -- by taking the Steps" ... and the result was "my thinking had been changed" by the time I got to Step 10... and of course, the whole purpose of getting to Step 10, is to be rid of "the alcoholic mind" -- restored to sanity and "to grow in understanding and effectiveness."

That taught me "why I failed" the first time I came to A.A.

I had been doing what so many other new people do -- I had been trying to "learn and understand" -- while still possessing the "alcoholic mind."

Until the "alcoholic mind" has been done away with -- all of the learning and understanding that we gain "with the alcoholic mind" will be useless information that we have to discard "absolutely"... when it comes time to "getting sober again"... if we don't change before the alcoholic mind takes us back to drinking.

I now see this over and over and over and over again -- with people that either freshly come in to A.A., or return to A.A. time and again -- they get into "thinking" and they are "thinking with the alcoholic mind" because it hasn't yet been transformed, the way it needs to be transformed, when they get to Step 10.

The "alcoholic mind" will still be talking to them from Steps 1 through 8, and half of Step 9. It will be telling them false things and they won't be able to see it. (Dr.'s Opinion "differentiate between truth and false" until the "psychic change" takes place at Step 10.

It's also one of the problems that A.A.'s face when they take too long to go through the Steps. They are still operating with "the alcoholic mind" -- and they "can't see it" because they still have it!

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