The Source of Our Resentments

12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.
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Postby drewi2009 » Sun Jul 12, 2009 5:13 am

But I'm confused because in my recovery I felt I did the best I could after 3 yrs it wasn't until later that sheet hit the fan (I made the mistake of being an a$$kisser and walked on eggshells allot) so I'm actually surprised anyone here would even pretend to even think that resentments will never ever arise again in your recovery.........(hogwash)
The big book tells us what we must do when we get resentments and how to deal with them but it never says if we get rid of self-centeredness and selfishness that we will never get them again. We are in recovery but we are not doormats the self-centered selfishness is just a suggestion to take a look at just what our part is in the resentment. And..................................................just because we are in recovery does not mean that all the bad people in the world go away either there are just some rude no good people out there and they dont even drink (at least I had an excuse huh? lol) . also there are alot of things that in my 4th step I had absolutely no control over how is being molested as a child self centered?
just some food for thought
but enough of that Im kinda new so far and am very realistic in my recovery this forum looks interesting so I decided to give it a shot see how it goes

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Postby Dallas » Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:20 am

Hello drewi2009,

Welcome to the site and to the forum. I appreciate your participation.

After reading your message, I went back to the beginning of the topic and read it through to see if I was missing something.

I agree with you that, I would be surprised if anyone here would pretend to think that resentments will never ever arise again in our recovery.

And, I agree, the Big Book instructs us what we must do when we get resentments and what to do to get rid of them.

And, I agree, the BB, "never says if we get rid of self-centeredness and selfishness that we will never get them again." (I’m not sure if that means selfishness and self-centeredness and/or resentments).

I do believe that it was possible for me to get rid of my self-centeredness. Does it come back? You betcha it comes back. I’m only free of it during moments of time. It comes back like a magnet… But, I was able to reduce the strength of the magnet – so that I can live in a place of self-concern – rather than stuck in a life that is self-centered.

Self-centeredness is something that can enter my mind – at any time – and this is why I use the spiritual tool-kit of the 12 Steps… to “continually change my mind.â€

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Postby ROBERT » Sun Jul 12, 2009 12:24 pm

Hey people---busy as always I see, I was wondering is it possible that this whole resentment issue is to help us to accept things as they are instead of how I would like them to be--and if that were possible all the time- I would never get angry-- the first stage of a resentment. Anyhow that's how I approach this issue--I work on letting go of old ideas-not setting the stage-realizing we are all different people w/different perspectives, not right or wrong-DIFFERENT,and accepting those differences. As a by product of that work I don't have resentments, I feel angry,frustrated,dissapointed,let down,alone,etc, etc, but no resentments as a result of the action took, a close friend who is not alcoholic helped me w/ this, to be able to live and feel alive it is necessary to be in touch w/emotions--there was a time when I was numb to feelings, not a happy existence,but an existence so I went thru that phase of not feeling-denying my emotions and had PLENTY of support. Today I choose to LIVE which involves feeling, and discipline to do the work needed to understand my emotions and how get over the old ideas that usually accompanies them,and as a result I am living life, loving life, NOT restless,irritable,or discontent,thanks to God- A.A. 12 STEPS-AND THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. WHAT A RIDE

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Getting rid of resentments and discovering their source

Postby Dallas » Sun Jul 12, 2009 2:50 pm

Hello Robert! Nice to see you!

I think I understand what you might be saying. But, I’m not sure if I understand it. So, I can’t really comment on it one way or another except to say that I appreciate that it works for you. I know many A.A.’s that hold the same ideas as you – and it works for them. I know that, because they’ve told me that it works for them.

I tried it – and it didn’t work for me. I didn’t get the results that others were getting from it. So, I had to try something different -- and -- the different way did work for me.

Perhaps, I didn’t understand what others were doing. They were quoting a story in the back of the book as “acceptance is the solution to all my problems.â€

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Postby Dallas » Sun Jul 12, 2009 3:02 pm

to accept things as they are instead of how I would like them to be

It's probably true that if I could accept things as they are -- instead of how I would like them to be -- I would never get angry. However, it's also probably true -- that an alcoholic of my type -- would find another way to get angry! :lol:

And, if I could accept things as they are -- instead of how I would like them to be -- I would still be drinking. I would have never experienced a need to get sober! Alcohol was the solution to all my problems -- and if I accepted that as it was -- I should have just kept drinking... :wink:

And, if I could have only accepted my anger as "things as they are instead of how I would like them to be" I would have never gotten angry at my anger! :wink:

Perhaps, if we could go back to the beginning, and just accepted how things are -- instead of how we would like them to be -- we might still be sitting in primative caves picking bugs out of each other's hair as fast-food snacks while we watched falling lights come down out of the sky!

Perhaps, dissatisfaction, especially Inspirational Dissatisfaction serves us to a Higher Purpose -- more than acceptance does. But, that would probably be an argument and debate best conducted by Theologians and Philosophers.

For me... I've got to watch out for my thinking. Nothing wrong with thinking -- unless it gets in the way of my "doing". If I'm thinking more than I'm doing -- I'm definitely doomed! :wink:

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Postby ROBERT » Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:38 pm

THANKS DALLAS... your replies are always wonderfully insightfull---I don't agree either w/acceptence is the answere to all my problems,I'm not a robot just floating around---however if I am trying to make life adjust to MY idea of how I think it should be I am most always restless, irritable, and discontented, a great recipe for relief, via the bottle! Applying the 12 steps,-AKA- "ACTION" to my life the adjustments take place internally via my Higher Power, which allows me the adult ability to NOT fight against, the things I cannot control, and on my good days the needed ability/power to change that which I can, is there again via my Higher Power. All of which is a by product, of the actions, involved by applying the 12 steps, so i can cease fighting life, and start participating. The line that holds true for me is "When I am disturbed by some thing or some person there is an issue inside me that needs addressed, which I do by applying the program....WE WILL KNOW A NEW FREEDOM AND A NEW HAPPINESS...."IF" we work for them!

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Postby tim-one » Mon Jul 13, 2009 4:11 pm

Hey, guys. Been busy in a storm of potential resentments here.

WHEW! I WAS GRAND the wind stopped blowin' ... for a while. :lol:

I'm SO glad I'm in step 33. With my friends, that's what I call 10, 11, & 12 - the ones that keep on givin' if you keep on doin'.

To me, that's the bggest word in the BB - IF. Nearly everything it says will happen is prededed by an IF. The if is almost always succeeded by something I have to do, proactively participating.

So, today, I have been proactively taking care of my side of the street, trusting HP to do what He said He'd do, believing that He not only can, but WILL, and doing the next right thing takin' care o'binnis.

SO far I haven't killed anybody or smashed my computer. No holes in the walls. My wife isn't crying. Things I can't afford are amazingly ok by me. I don't even want to. Somehow my anger is coming out in guffaws. Never cussed like that before. HHmmmm ... :lol:

I'm just sayin' ... This sht works IF you WORK IT! Stop working and the backwash will swamp your boat.

Well, maybe that's just me. And I ain't no saint.

Gotta get back to slingin' serenity all over everything. :wink:

Having a ball being on top for a change.

Love, y'all.

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Postby Danni » Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:34 pm

Dallas, hurry up and get this going again! Don't leave me hanging! :lol:

Are you going to mention the William James, Emperical Self stuff?

I loved the diagram that you had posted on the other part of the site for this. Can't find it now. Can you sent me a copy? It was a great explanation of the concept of Self as Bill understood it. Made a lot of sense and helped me to better understand things like selfishness, Ego, Self-centered.... and the rest of the self stuff.


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Postby Memgal306 » Wed Jul 15, 2009 9:31 pm

It's also one of the problems that A.A.'s face when they take too long to go through the Steps. They are still operating with "the alcoholic mind" -- and they "can't see it" because they still have it!

Wow!!! This afternoon I just whip out the first worksheet for step 4 and wrote my 1 & 2 persons - I just was procrasinating (the alkie mind). I was like - Kim make it short and simple not a freaking essay. So far I have myself as #1 and my dead husband as #2. Monday I was talking about "triggers" & Dallas mentioned the horse "Trigger" so in keeping w/ the western theme - "RAWHIDE" Round up your thoughts and write them down Kim!!!! RAWHIDE!!!!!! :D I know I have a sober weird sense of humor. :)

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Postby sunlight » Fri Jul 17, 2009 7:53 pm

Love it!

Time & time again, I need to return to "we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt".

It's like: Duh! I did it (again!)

Once I can see this and accept it with grace and humility, I'm free. I can even laugh at it! :lol:

Thank you for posting how blaming others and holding onto a resentment can be my part in in it, and how it locks me in self and perpetuates the pain. This is a great key to unlocking those resentments in which we were truly at another's mercy. I have a choice today! I can choose to move on from those debilitating emotions and focus on goodness, beauty, love and service. I read this right at a time when I am working with a woman who had been molested, raped, tortured etc.... It was like shining a light in the dark dungeon of her resentment & she SAW that it was she who was causing her grief by ruminating about the past. She shifted her focus to her recovery & is now helping a newcomer! Many thanks & blessings! :D

"Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations."

There seems to be so many! And yet, it only takes 12 steps to transform self! Of course it's a lifelong endeavor, but never boring & endlessly rewarding.

When I was newly sober , I was flying high on my pink cloud & went to a meeting with only two men. One said to me, "You don't understand. This is a spiritual battle." I was full of myself and said, "Oh yeah? Then who's the enemy?" He replied. "Self."
I sunk in my chair. I knew he was right.

I once asked my 2nd sponsor what was the difference between selfishness and self-centeredness. She said selfishness was trying to hold onto what you have. Self-centeredness was trying to get what you want. Made sense to me. I began to see how self was causing my resentments and how I needed the steps and my higher power to bring about that psychic change.

My life is very difficult right now. Even my sponsor is concerned. But, I am full of joy and life & love! I am deeply involved in service because I know this is what I need now. And I keep in touch with my old home group, who always asks the question: What step are you on?

I'm on step 3 today, friends. I'm finding my"self" in a Higher Power. He's so immense resentments dissolve in the stratosphere! :wink:

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