- another step 9 dillema

another step 9 dillema




12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.

another step 9 dillema

Postby youngsobriety6of07 » Tue Oct 13, 2009 2:48 pm

I have been seriously debating over this one... I shared this issue with a sponsor I picked up early in sobriety (you know the type of sponsor that co-signs all the b/s)... She told me that in a case such as mine, I would be harming too many people around me if I came clean about it, however, after coming to my senses and seeing the misery and disease in her life, I decided to find a new sponsor, because I did not want for myself what she had in her life. I also decided that maybe some of the advice she gave me on this step might not be the right thing to do.

I relapsed just after my first year of sobriety, I haven't told anyone but her, which I made a full admission of. I now have over two years of sobriety, and am re-working the steps with a new (and absolutely wonderful!) sponsor. I have not told her about the instance.

I got together with my fiancee as soon as I came back into the rooms, and he had no idea that I had gone back out. I also hold commitments at the group, district, and jails that require more sobriety than i actually have. (everyone thinks I have over 3 years now, and I have continued to pick up medallions like nothing ever happened).

As previously stated, I am again on step 9, and it is weighing on my conscience, and I see where my first sponsor told me not to disclose the information because I would harm too many, but I also see that she was very sick, not working the steps herself, and am scared that I am only justifying my actions.

What do I do???
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Postby gunner48 » Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:36 pm

I know in my case that a lie is a lie. I can't justify it to myself or anyone else. As for as what you need to do is up to you. Sounds to me you are already aware of what you need to do. Now the question is are you going to have the courage to do what you know is right for you.

I wish you only the best. People of faith have courage.

Peace and Love
Gunner
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Postby Dallas » Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:03 am

I won't give you advice or suggestions on it... you have a sponsor. :wink:

However, I will say, that if it was me... and I wasn't honest, totally in AA, I would already be drunk, or worse... like my head blown off or hanging from a rope. That's just how it works for me. If I can't be totally honest with the people and the program that saved my life -- then, who can I be honest with?

I take the instructions in the BB very seriously when applied to myself. There would be no skirting page 58, 59, 60. And, I would rather face embarrassment and humiliation for a little while -- rather than losing my sobriety or my life over it.

Also, there is no way possible that I could take Steps 2 or Three, being dishonest. Either I'm going to trust God - and - clean house, or I'm not.

If I'm not -- then, I'm running solely on My Power and I know where that leads.

Best wishes to you in your decision.

Welcome to the site!

Dallas
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Postby DiggerinVA » Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:41 am

In the Oxford group there are four absolutes and early AA used them too.

Honesty
Purity
UnSelfishness &
Love

I believe a spiritual life will contain them all. Well at least they are good to strive for.

But burden's I will not carry. And dishonesty is a huge burden for me, I can see it in the root of my obsession. It left me wide open for the resentment to settle and take me out. I must be honest the others I work on daily.

Lay it all out for your sponsor and the group if need be. Get out the big book and see how to protect others while clearing what you need to clear. Pray on it and the answer will come.
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Postby youngsobriety6of07 » Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:51 am

Thank you, this has been burning in my head for a really long time now, and though I gave it up through step 5 with my old sponsor, I am still lying about it. I've considered going to confession at church about it, and I know the only way for me to really get rid of it is to just come out with it, but I also know that it says in the 12 & 12 that "in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action ought to be deferred ... there will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good." My old sponsor told me that my way of making amends for this could be to take on service work, and I got very involved with it.

How do you make a decision to save your sobriety and life while seriously harming others around you? If I had just come back in, this would be no big deal, but its now two years later, and there would be a huge portion of my district affected by it... It scares me to death to realize how deep a hole my addict mind has dug for me...
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Postby gunner48 » Wed Oct 14, 2009 12:02 pm

I can stand behind any mask I want to. I question how coming clean with people who care about me could harm them. I may be embarrased, I might lose position in my work place (there are no positions in AA just people serving others). Looking at page 79 of the big book, first complete paragraph
Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spirital experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.
The next paragraph is what your using for your out. But does it really apply to what you need to do? Are other people going to be damaged by you coming clean about the length of your soberity?

Peace and Love
Gunner
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Postby youngsobriety6of07 » Wed Oct 14, 2009 1:18 pm

"The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk prudence while practicing evasion."

It is just so humiliating... My mind will come up with any reason to save my ego. But you know, there have been times where I've considered using just so that I can start fresh, and never have to admit my lie... There have been times when I've wondered if I'll really be able to keep this secret forever, especially once I am married... I think in this instance, the sooner I get it out of the way, the more those around me will respect my honesty... i hope they respect it at least, and I don't wind up losing my fiancee and commitments... In truth though, I deserve to lose them, I suppose I need to take responsibility for my actions...

I want to thank you all again, as I said, I've been struggling with this for a really long time now, but wasn't sure who I should go to about it. wish me luck, as things are about to change for me...
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Postby gunner48 » Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:48 pm

True happiness can only come when self-centerness has gone. Let us know how much your friends really love you.
Peace and Love
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Postby Jim W » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:13 am

youngsobriety6of07 wrote:"The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk prudence while practicing evasion."

It is just so humiliating... My mind will come up with any reason to save my ego. But you know, there have been times where I've considered using just so that I can start fresh, and never have to admit my lie... There have been times when I've wondered if I'll really be able to keep this secret forever, especially once I am married... I think in this instance, the sooner I get it out of the way, the more those around me will respect my honesty... i hope they respect it at least, and I don't wind up losing my fiancee and commitments... In truth though, I deserve to lose them, I suppose I need to take responsibility for my actions...

I want to thank you all again, as I said, I've been struggling with this for a really long time now, but wasn't sure who I should go to about it. wish me luck, as things are about to change for me...



I've heard it said that you can't save your face and your ass at the same time.
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Postby youngsobriety6of07 » Sat Oct 17, 2009 7:03 pm

I worked my step 9 with my sponsor last thursday, and I told her and my boyfriend the ENTIRE truth. My mind made it out to be this huge deal, and that they were going to freak out about it, and I even went as far as to make sure I had the funds for a hotel room before I told my boyfriend!

When I told him, all he said was, well, its not a good thing, but if I loved you before, I can't imagine how much I will love the person that doesn't have to carry a burden like that.

I really believe that this is a perfect example of why you need to pick a good sponsor. My first sponsor almost killed me telling me to keep this to myself. My second sponsor told me I needed to go as far as to make amends at my homegroup and district and to the people that I was up against when nominations for my positions were made.

Its amazing how God can make a dishonest crackhead/ alcoholic into an honest, loving person. Thank you all so much, personal recovery depends upon AA unity!
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