by flying fiddler » Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:53 am
Hello All,
I'm taking a break from writing on my 4th step and getting great insight and relief reading all of your experience strength and hope with this step. I too have seen the 4th as a overwhelming task that I have avoided for a Long long while.
Recently my life became more unmanageable than ever before driving me to a new all time low bottom. It's really a miracle that I didn't drink over this, another reminder of my higher power's plan for me I guess. Anyway, At that moment I became completely willing to do whatever it takes to live a better life. this includes making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
My great alcoholic mind began by complicating the heck out of this step, looking on the internet for worksheets, making a spreadsheet and reading countless guides from the internet. All of this derailing me from getting down to business. I talked to my sponsor about it and he laughed, saying he should have realized that I would do that since i was just like him! javascript:emoticon(':lol:') He told me to keep it simple, don't over think it and just do it. But that's what i do best, right?
I ended up using the worksheets found here on this site and am finding them simple to use. I originally wanted to type everything on my computer but was told that it's better to use pen on paper. I have done this and found that by physically writing it out I seem to have more of a connection to the truth. that has been my experience anyway.
For me going back and reading each page and paragraph relating to the 4th step (pages 64-71) every time i felt stuck, overwhelmed or confused really helped me stay on track. Checking in with my sponsor also helped.
I feel like I have been honest, especially those dark "secrets" that knot my stomach when I write them out. I won't lie, I have thought hard about not putting some of the things on paper, trying to rationalize them away, or deferring them to another time. In the end though, they all were put on paper and I feel better knowing that these things are out. Admitting them to another person will be another story.. but now that i have them on paper, i feel there is no turning back.
I am finding that even though it's been uncomfortable to get all of this stuff on paper, it has been liberating as well. I guess that since I have finally reached a point that I am truly willing to do the work, it now feels right.
Honesty is the key for me, I really feel like i'm being as honest as possible and that is what is right. I can't beat myself up for being rigorously honest, but surely can beat myself up for not revealing everything in this vitally important step.
Thanks for being able to pop on here and "check in". For me it is like checking in at a meeting. Certainly not a replacement for a meeting but a nice addition to my box of tools! I'll try and do this more often.
Now it's back to that list of person's Ive harmed... hmmmmmm better make sure i have lots of paper!
John
