Doing Step 5 with someone

[Sally]

Hey, I'm new to the forum. I've been sober for 8 years, and I've been following this forum for about 9 months. Someone recently asked me to do their fifth step with them. I've never done this before. What do you recommend as far as the setting, giving any feedback, etc.?

[Dallas]

I did my 5th Step w/ my first sponsor, in my sponsor's living room w/ just him and myself there. My current sponsor usually takes the guys for a ride and they drive up the Pacific coast, while the guy reads his 5th Step to him. I've listened to 5th Steps at parks, in my living room, in an office, in a building, in a barn, and several other places.

What I think is important is: the person has a reasonably private place where they feel confident that confidentiality will be maintained, and a place where they won't be embarrassed to break out in tears.

Then, when we're finished w/ the 5th Step -- I give them the instructions to go do their Step 6 and Step 7, and then we get together again so I can walk them through Step 8, get them started on 9, and teach them how to do 10, 11 & 12 daily -- while they finish up on their 9th Step.

When I take them through the Steps, most often, we will start on a Friday evening w/ Step 1 -- and we wrap it up w/ Step 12 no later than Sunday evening. And, yes -- we use the Big Book, together, and "walk through" the process of them taking the Steps.

How did you do your 5th Step? I'd like to hear about it.

Best wishes,

Dallas

[Sally]

I did my final fifth step (because it took 3 times to get it right) at a late-night diner with my sponsor. I went off the worksheets that were online for step 4. My sponsor didn't say a word when I read off my sheets. It felt odd that she didn't respond. She just waited until I was done and asked how I felt about doing it.

Dallas, did your sponsor respond to you while telling them your fifth step?

[Dallas]

Yes. My sponsor did share a few things about himself to help me relax and identify that I wasn't as unique as I thought I was.

Reading the information in the Big Book, about Step 5, 6, & 7 ahead of time gives some pretty good information, and of course the chapter "Working with others" gives a lot of helpful info. Also, reading the Chapter in the 12 & 12, Bill's essay on Step 5, is some good info.

Much of the same way that I did my 5th Step with my sponsor, I still do today when I listen to 5th Steps. I try to strictly adhere to what's in the Big Book. There will be times that I mix it up a little but (on purpose), because people are different, and I try to establish as much rapport with them that I can while taking them through the Steps.

It's beyond the scope of what we're discussing here on Step 5, but I'll go ahead and throw something in here that has been helpful to me, in being able to help others.

I get totally focused on what the main objective of the 12 Steps is, and that is to produce a Spiritual Awakening, as mentioned in Step 12.

The 12 Steps is a formula, or recipe, to produce a "Spiritual Awakening" that will result in a transformation of thoughts, attitudes and personality -- sufficient enough to assist the person to recover. Some helpful info on this is in the back of the Big Book, Appendex II, Spiritual Experience.

A metaphor that I use sometimes is: it's like baking a cake, or grilling some ribs. The recipe -- if followed precisely -- will produce precisely what the recipe was intended to produce. If you change the recipe, and alter the directions -- you might get a cake, but it won't be like the cake that the recipe intended to bake.

Example: The recipe might call for 2 eggs, and I decide to add 3 eggs to make it better. And, a dash of salt -- and I figure okay, if a dash is good, a handful will be better!

And, rather than mix up the eggs with the other ingredients to make the cake batter -- I think I'll hold off on the eggs until after I take the cake out of the oven, and then pour the eggs over the cake which will make it kind of like French Toast! Oh... and after I mix up the ingredients... I'm going to wait two months to put it in the oven!

Well. Yes, you could say I baked a cake... but, who would want to eat the cake I baked?

In the Forward, to the First Edition of the book Alcoholics Anonymous (which you can find in all future editions) ... it says they are giving us PRECISE instructions on how to recover. So, if we use our best effort to PRECISELY follow those instructions -- we will get what they got. If we alter the instructions -- we'll get something different than what they got. And, the something different -- may not be adequate enough to produce the Spiritual Awakening, and the transformation that will allow them to recover, and to live a life of Happy, Joyous and Free -- while sober.

Dallas

[Sally]

Dallas, I like the analogy about the cake. I'll have to go back to the Big Book again to reread about the fifth step and working with others. Thanks, so much. You're very helpful and knowledgeable!

[GeoffS]

Hi Sally,

A bit late, but for me, you are ready to hear a fifth, and will know what to do and say...because someone asked.

Simple.

[Camel]

It's indeed an honor to be asked to listen to a 5th Step. You are trusted by another. We really haven't completed our own 5th Step, until we listen to someone share their's with us. I listen, pass the klenex, and continue to listen until the person tells me, "That's it." Then I ask them, "Are you sure?" Some tell me one more thing, some say that's all. Then, I usually tell them they've done some terrible things, but that I've heard worse, because I usually have. Then, I address the character defects they just admitted to, and we discuss them. That done, I tell them to go home, get the BB, and follow the directions, and if they have any questions, call me immediately.