Life and my work schedule made it possible that I could attend a noon AA meeting today.
The topic was out of the Dr.'s Opinion, regarding the allergy to alcohol, the phenomenon of craving... etceteras. It reminded me of the very first few meetings that I had attended where the Dr.'s Opinion, the allergy and phenomenon of craving, etceteras... were discussed. I'd have to say that within the first few AA meetings, I knew all that I needed to know about alcohol and alcoholism.
The thing that I didn't have was the realization I was alcoholic... and that my problem wasn't alcohol... my problem was and still is... my alcoholism. I learned that it was not safe for me to use alcohol in any form, and that that if I wanted to stay sober... I had to not have the first drink.
When I was newly sober... I thought "Gee... with all that I know about myself and about alcohol and about drinking... all I've got to do is go to a few meetings and just not drink in between meetings.
That was my solution.
When my solution failed... and I discovered that I had started drinking again and couldn't stop drinking... between the AA meetings that I was attending... sometimes drunk during the meeting... I was baffled as to "why did I ever take that first drink to begin with? And, why can't I just stop drinking now that I know all that I know about being an alcoholic?" I was confused.
Later, after I was able to get sober again and had been trying to answer the riddle as to why I had started drinking again... I stumbled across the Jaywalker story in Chapter 3 of the Big Book. That's one of my favorite stories... because I so identify with it. I discovered that I started drinking again... because I was alcoholic. I was like the Jay walker.
I'm still just as alcoholic today as I was when I came in to A.A. I probably don't know any more about alcoholism today... than I knew when I came back to A.A. I'm like the Jay walker... except I haven't been doing any jay walking!!!
What I have been doing... over and over and over and over again.... is taking some different actions. Actions that lead me away from my obsession. If I stop taking those actions... I know what will happen. The idea will return... and unconsciously, I'll discover that I'm looking up at the bottom of a bus that just ran over me!!!!
When I reflect back on the stories of our A.A. co-founders... I see Bill W., who had an incredible "White Flash" spiritual experience... and, when he realized that at about six months sober... he was getting ready to do some Jay walking... he started looking for another alcoholic to help.
The alcoholic Bill found to help was Dr. Bob... a very spiritual, highly religious... God-aware alcoholic... who couldn't stay sober.
Bill knew a lot about the scientific aspect of alcoholism... that he had learned from Dr. Silkworth. Dr. Bob, knew a lot about faith, and prayer and meditation and spirituality. Yet... both of them were getting ready to do some more Jay walking!!!!
I'm sure that they talked about alcoholism for hours and hours and hours... and they probably talked about God for hours and hours and hours... but, it wasn't their discussions about God and religious things... nor was it their discussions about alcoholism... that was keeping them sober. What was keeping them sober... was their efforts to help another alcoholic.
The more that I pray and meditate and do daily inventories the more serene and happy I seem to become, and my life seems to work better.
The 12 Step Design for Living keeps my life getting better and better and better.... And, even in doing this... and in contemplating Life and Spirituality and all kinds of things that might make me feel a good buzz... I always want to remember that there is a sleeping Jay Walker... deep a sleep inside me.
Most the time... I don't even think about the Jay Walker being there! I never want to forget... that the way to keep it (sobriety)... is to be passing it on... to another alcoholic who has a desire to become sober.
If I reach a place in my spirituality or my good life... where I forget that I have a responsibility to be helping another alcoholic.... I could lose it all. And, what better way to help another alcoholic... than to be inside and active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous?
Thanks for letting me share!