For me, what I have heard others say, to not be a counselor or a guardian of someone else's behavior or life fits well. I am completely powerless over someone else's behavior or actions, as truly, they will do what they wish in full view or in secret regardless~ if thier desire is strong enough. Just as I did.
I was only 3 months sober when I had my first mini relationship, and that ended abruptly from realizing we were on completely different paths in life. We both walked away with hurt and angry feelings. Those who I was attracted to then, are not who I am attracted to today. My thinking has completely and dramatically changed in my choices and my viewpoints.
At over 5 years in sobriety, I am being patient and waiting observently for someone who better matches my goals for the rest of my life. When I first came in, I was just looking for love and sex. (Not necessarly in that order.)
My actions are so much different today than they were when I first came into the rooms, and my choices and thinking are different also.
I know today to have the right person in my life, I have to BE the right person because I will attract what I am and what I am seeking. If sex is the focus of my search, I might receive sex, but the rest of the package might be severely lacking. They may be dishonest, unrecovered from other addictions (such as sexual, spam, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, ...), they may have hidden anger and rage issues, or their goals in life may not match mine but they might temporarily be able to convince me that they do. After a period of time, I will see that this is not what I want. The situation might get ugly and cause a relapse by either party.
If I am looking for financial security, again, the same may hold true in all areas, and I could come out miserable during the relationship or breakup of it.
If I am seeing the full package, keeping my eyes open, and seeing this person or people from all angles, while dating with a purpose higher than temporarily satisfaction or instant gratification, my chances of finding the right partner or companion are much greater.
If my sole purpose is for sexual gratification, I need to be sure my partner knows this and accepts it as such so that there is less of a chance of hurt feelings afterwards. For many of us in the program, sexual promiscuity was common. Disease is possible, curable as well as incurable.
I need to realize that in early sobriety and before the program has begun to have the best benefit on my life I am not well spiritually, emotionally or mentally and I will not be the best possible date/partner/relationship for them either. Until my thinking and choices have had a overhaul from the program, I am going to be capable of much sick thinking and chaotic actions.
To date, to have sexual contact or to establish a relationship are all things that should be considered for what my motives are. Am I seeking a high from instant gratification to "feel good?" Am I really ready for a relationship? What am I seeking? A date for companionship and to have someone to talk to and relate to? Sex because I know it will "feel good"? A relationship because I am ready for a life companion or because if I have a partner I will feel loved and thus "better"? (ie: My life will be better if I have a relationship?) Am I willing to be honest about my motives with my potential partner beforehand or am I planning to be dishonest and tell them after the fact?
I didn't wait for my thinking to change, for my choices to become closer to what I now want, and during those early dating & relationship experiences I came close to going back out. One time in particular, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it was God doing for me what I could not do for myself on the fact that I didn't pick up. The other situations I faced during those early dating years gave me some rough trials and tribulations as I faced a lack of spiritual soundness and lack of good judgement in many ways - from them and from me.
I am glad my thinking and choices have changed, because some things that would bring trouble are warded off long before what could bring headaches and heartaches ever has the chance to bring chaos or grief into my life.
Date or not date? Relationships or none? All I can say from myown experience is "thank God I am not still with anyone from my early dating experiences in early sobriety", and I am sure they are saying the same thing! LOL!