- Personal relationships in early recovery

Personal relationships in early recovery




12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.

Thank you

Postby Dallas » Fri Jun 23, 2006 8:07 pm

JezUK,

Welcome to the forums at Step12.com ... glad you're here!

Thank you for sharing. I got a lot out of what you wrote. :wink:

Keep coming back and keep sharing!

Best regards,

Dallas
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Postby JR » Fri Jun 23, 2006 8:12 pm

JezUK,

Well said. As a woman in AA and knowing what I know about many women in AA I think most men would be well served to seek companionship elsewhere (JUST MY OPINION). I know the literature says otherwise about boy meeting girl on AA campus etc. but I think this is an area where personal experience will prove these are not the healthiest relationships except on very rare occasions.

Hope you keep coming back to the site,

Jr
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Postby blueangel » Sat Jun 24, 2006 3:34 am

JR wrote:JezUK,

Well said. As a woman in AA and knowing what I know about many women in AA I think most men would be well served to seek companionship elsewhere (JUST MY OPINION).

Jr


I sure am glad, as another woman in AA, that the women in AA here apparently aren't as dangerous as there are there. The women in AA here just seem to want to stay sober. I don't really have an opinion on relationships in recovery as long as both are in recovery and working THE program of AA for themselves and not working each others programs. I guess there are bad people everywhere in and out of AA meetings, but I've met far more honest people that are far less to scam you in AA than on the outside. (JUST MY OPINION).
Have a great 24 everyone, Kay
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Postby Candy » Sat Jun 24, 2006 4:50 am

As a woman in AA and knowing what I know about many women in AA I think most men would be well served to seek companionship elsewhere (JUST MY OPINION).


Sweetie let go of those resentments!

Perhaps you've had too many relationships with men, or possibly men and women in AA that didn't work out the way you wanted them to work out. But, there are many many many many fine men and women in AA!

As far as AA relationships, I'm not in a relationship (my dream man is being too hard to get :lol: ), but I have many many many friends that are couples and the men and the women are both in AA, and those relationships are better than anything I have every seen outside of AA. I have heard that in AA the divorce rate is much lower than for divorces outside of AA. (I don't know who keeps the numbers). I have heard that rates of domestic for couples who are both in AA is much lower than the average for couples not in AA. (My friend who works in the Womens Crisis Center told me this).

Perhaps it's your own self-trust issues or perhaps other reasons that will hopefully be revealed to you, why you would make such negative comments about women in AA. It's hard to believe that you are a women talking about other women like this. Hopefully when you get through your steps, or get to more meetings and meet more women it will get better for you.

Enjoy life to the max! You only get one chance to live this life, (I've been told), so live it like it's the only one you've got!!!

Kisses to you all.

Candy xxxxx :P
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Postby Candy » Sat Jun 24, 2006 4:57 am

In the message above I meant to write "domestic abuse" and not just "domestic". I am blonde, but it was an honest mistake and I don't know how to fix it! :lol:

Candy
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Postby Tina L. » Sat Jun 24, 2006 8:34 am

blu angel and candy my experience has been like urs. the men and women i know in aa r good people. i know lots of aa couples who are happy together and have healthy relationships. 2 say something about aa women to mean that men would be better off staying away from them be cause they will not make a healthy relationship is a low blow. the women i know in aa work hard to get better. the men i know do to. may be if they keep coming back they will get better. may be if they knew more aa women they would not be jugemental. or maybe they r angry. i do not know. im trying 2 b good and wash my own mouth. im sorry if im not supposed 2 share like this. 1 time i shared and got in trouble. i dont want 2 do that again.

now about this 13th stepping stuff. i think it is so childish when aa's get their feelings hurt because they did not get there way and act as though they are pure and innocent and someone bigger or more adult because one person was sober longer than another person and took advantage of them. this is childish gibberish crap. when u were drinking in the bars did someone with more or less drinks than u take advantage of u? did u go into a bar and ask how many drinks a man or woman had to find out if u were going to have sex with them or not? this is so stupid that people who are supposed to be old enuff to be adults act like children. when u met someone not in aa and had sex with them and then u got ur feelings hurt because they did not want to have sex with u again did u call that 13th stepping? when u have sex with someone not in aa are u 13th stepping them or are they 13th stepping u? grow up. get a life. be response able instead of playing like u r a victim. as long as u blame someone else for ur experience u might as well lay down in the gutter and get splashed on. no body has forced me 2 do anything. i made choices and decisions and took actions to put my self in positions to b hurt.

tina xoxoxo
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Postby JezUK » Sat Jun 24, 2006 10:16 pm

Thank you Dallas, Candy, blueangel, JR,
I heard a very interesting AA speaker, and he talked about searching for "that" woman, still single after x years he said he has since come to realise that the "she" he is seeking is really God..... Funnily enough I was driving down the PCH to L.A last november when listening to the CD and it was one of those magical moments when something clicked. The thing is I wouldn't have got that as a newcomer, It is through my experience I have come to realise what I am seeking... I now also have the gift of knowing how to make an ammends for innapropriate behavior and it was powerful about 2 years ago to do an ammends list which focused on my behaviour in the fellowship and subsequently making ammends to the 13th stepper(as prev mentioned) for my part in it, I wasn't a victim but a volunteer. Strangely enough soon after that she got together with a very good friend of mine in recovery and they are now married..... ???!!!!
I was gven something wonderful by a friend when I was suffering a little self-pity sitting in by myself on a Sat night and wondering how the most amazing 33 year old man in and out of AA(yes me!) was without Mrs Jez...and he said this " what you don't realise Jez, is that God is interviewing girls on your behalf and only when he's sees the right one for you will he introduce her to your life.... let's face it your choices have been crap" I pass this on to lustful fellows, especially newcomers
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Thank you

Postby Dallas » Sat Jun 24, 2006 10:37 pm

Thanks for sharing Jez.

It is amazing to me, when I'm taking the extra efforts to really have my will dovetail with God's will... to watch how people get moved into and get moved out of my life.

Sometimes, I wonder if it has to do with the process of Life. If I'm taking the right actions and moving toward the things that are for my Highest Good and what Life desires for me, Life appears to cooperate with reciprocal actions that produce some amazing results.

Dallas
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Postby anniemac » Fri Jun 30, 2006 3:53 pm

I feel that it's not for AA to tell us what we can/should do or not do, in the first year or really in any year. However, that does not mean that there are not many helpful suggestions based upon the collective experience of those who have come before me.

I understand the concept of not making any major changes, if possible, in the first year so I can keep the focus on my recovery. It's a good suggestion. It's up to us if we take that suggestion.

I got a puppy when I was first coming around....someone repremanded me at a meeting for "making a major change". I don't go for that -- we are thinking people with free will and I don't agree with running every decision in my life past my sponsor. And my sponsor doesn't agree with that thinking either. She told me that puppies are nurturing and life-affirming and thought it was a great idea.

My experience with relationships and sobriety is that I was in a long term marriage when I got sober, and when I got sober I couldn't wait for my 1-year anniversary so I could get out of that marriage. However, at one year I was too frightened to make any changes, and 1 year turned in to 3. I finally had the courage and faith to move ahead with a divorce. My husband, to my surprise, was quite shocked and asked if we could go for counseling. We have been going for a year now, I cancelled the lawyers 6 months ago, and I have learned so much about myself and my skewed thinking, and have finally discovered how much of the insanity of our relationship was my part. We still have some work to do, but I can now picture staying with him for the rest of my life.

So, my thinking was not clear at 1 year. Nor was it clear at 2 or 3 years. Without the counseling, it may not have been clear (or, shall I say, clearer) today. Therefore, although I don't agree with sponsors who rule with an iron hand, I do consider the suggestions that are given to me by those whose sobriety I admire.
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Postby Dallas » Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:00 pm

Anne, thank you for sharing your experience! Good stuff! :wink:

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