Thank you for that awesome share! Very appreciated.
Decisions. Gees, sometimes... there are so many choices and options, it can become tough to make a decision. I've discovered that I'm always the one who makes my decisions. It's my own deal. It's kind of like choosing. I can choose, or I can wait for a choice to be made for me. Sometimes, I could have said "but I didn't choose that! I didn't choose anything! I didn't make a decision!"... when actually, my choice and my decision was to choose to not to choose... and my decision was to not make a decision.
For me, as an alcoholic... I used to think that it was my choice, whether I would drink or not. And, at some stage of my drinking or my alcoholism, I lost the choice as to whether I would drink or not drink. But, I had lost the choice in whether I would drink... and even today, sober... I still don't have the choice as to whether I will drink. That's the type of alcoholic that I am.
I could say that "Well, you know... that's my log. I've lost the ability to choose whether I'll drink again... so, maybe I should go ahead and have one." But, there is another option. I do have the power to take the necessary actions to stay sober! I know, that sounds odd... but for me, I've discovered... that so far, it has been true.
So, if I have lost the power to choose whether I'll drink... then, why am I not drunk tonight? I am an alcoholic... and the natural state of alcoholism is to be drinking. And, if I'm powerless over alcohol... why am I sober right now?
I'm not sure what anyone elses answer would be. But, I am sure of what my answer is.
I was faced with a choice of taking certain actions... that would provide a way for me to stay sober. I can still choose to take the actions necessary to stay sober. My will power is worthless... in regards to staying away from the next drink... but I have to use every ounce of will power that I've got... to continue to take the actions necessary to stay sober.
And, here is what I've discovered, for me, about why I am sober tonight instead of drinking tonight.... By taking the actions that was necessary for me to take... to stay sober... I have found... what it was... that I was looking for .... in the bottle.
And, if I've found... sober... what I was looking for in the bottle... why would I return to the bottle, to find, what I never did find, in the bottle?
I believe that this is the only reason that I'm sober tonight. I found what I was looking for.... sober... that I never did find in the bottle.
While I was drinking alcohol... it always gave me the perception that "pretty soon, I'm going to find what it is that I'm looking for!" But, I never found it. I always came away from the bottle just as empty as I was when I picked up the bottle. It only seemed like it was going to get better with a few drinks.
What I did find, as a result of taking the actions that were necessary to stay sober... is much more awesome than anything that I've ever even imagined that I would be able to find! And, what amazes me about it... is all I was trying to do was to stay away from the next drink!
I didn't expect to find what I found. And, if someone told me what I would find... I wouldn't have believed them.
The actions, that it took, for me to stay sober... was the 12 Steps.
I didn't believe the 12 Steps would work for me. I didn't believe that God would work for me. I thought "Yeah, all this HP stuff that you guys mumble about... it's a bunch of crap as far as I'm concerned." But, I had no other alternative known to me than to try the 12 Steps. I had pretty much tried everything that I could possibly try. I had read hundreds (literally) of books on "self-help" and psychology... psychiatry... psychotherapy... seminars, retreats, drugs.... yep.... drugs, too! I had tried religions. I even tried God once and it really did work for a while! (Almost 14 years before I got sober in A.A., I had been taking and working 11 1/2 of the Steps out of another kind of big book... but I had never heard about the first half of the first Step... or God might have worked for me the first time, and I might not have ever needed A.A.!)
As I look back now, on my drinking career... and ALL the different things I tried... I needed to try every single one of those things before I tried the 12 Steps. Because, if I hadn't of tried everything I could find... I would still be out there looking to find what I've already found!
Keep coming back! To every log... there is a purpose! I know that if you are honestly seeking... you shall find... if you don't stop seeking.