Thanks leejosepho... I appreciate the edit.
"Gee, look Ma! I've met another one like me!!!"
Where I screwed up on my understanding about Step 1... on my first trial run to land on AA Planet Sobriety... was... "I thought
over alcohol only applied after
I had the next drink...
It was logical to me that, yes... I could get drunk and lose control "after I started drinking"... but it wasn't logical that "something inside could force me to pick up the next first drink... after I was sober, and had been sober for a while!"
That's why I thought I didn't need to be concerned with the Steps and all that stuff... "just don't drink the first drink."
And, at 5 1/2 months sober, with no thought of "having the next first drink"... and having real heavy duty thinking of "don't drink!" ... without being aware of it... I started drinking again. And, I drank for almost two weeks... walking around drinking down in Mexico... telling everyone that I was a sober member of AA... and that I didn't drink!
I wasn't in denial... I was in a state of being that Dr. Silkworth, wrote about for the Dr.'s Opinion... "I couldn't differentiate between the true and the false"...... before OR after the next first drink!
Of course, I didn't understand any of this until after I had been sober a while on my next go round with AA. And, I didn't learn about it in meetings... because they weren't talking about it in the meetings that I was attending. (It's always a good idea to try out different meetings... you may find out that the meetings you've been attending... are carrying a different message! ).
If the problem centers in the mind... it centers in the mind regardless if I'm drinking or if I'm sober. When I'm sober... the problem is like a tiger inside my head... that's taking a nap.... and when the tiger moves around in my head... it wakes up the tiger in my gut... and when one or both of them are moving around... I'm on dangerous ground!
So, that's what I figured out about Step 1, that I wasn't hearing or understanding... "I'm powerless over alcohol WHEN IM SOBER!"
It makes no difference to be powerless over alcohol after I've started drinking... I'll drink and drink and drink and drink. So, why admit to something I already knew? That would be no big deal, to admit to something that I already knew.
The thing that makes the concept of powerless so powerfull... is the understanding I had, when it clicked in my head... and I could clearly see that, the real problem for me is.... I'm powerless WHILE SOBER!