Hey Sammie! Great to see you back! Wow! If you're drinking -- well, heck... have one for me... because I can't have one!
You see, I know what happens to me if I tried to "just have one or two"... I can't even fathom "one drink" or "a drink".
It's all or nothing baby!
One is too many and a thousand is not enough!
That's why I have to keep busy doing what I have to do -- that will keep me away from the NEXT "one".
I just wrote about this in another post. Sorry. I don't remember where it was at, I think it was in the "Help for alcoholics" (first forum).
Anyhoot, if you want to read it, or if you think it might answer your question, you might check it out.
For me, it was the discovery of: Instead of trying to "not drink" I turned it around to "what do I have to do right now to stay sober?" It seems as though the obvious answer would be: "not drink." But, I have no power that will work to "not drink". But, I do have some power... "to do"... to "take the necessary actions to stay sober."
I hope that helps. It helped me. And, once I started on taking the actions to -- stay sober -- it wasn't long that I wasn't thinking about drinking at all!
I didn't know that would ever happen! I thought I'd have to "fight to not drink" for the rest of my life.... and I already knew, from fighting that fight many many many times... that's a fight I'll always lose.
Sobriety comes as a result of taking "sober actions"... not as a result of "taking not-drinking actions." You see, there is "no action" necessary to "not do something." The action to not do something is to do nothing... and because we're doing nothing... we end up fighting it.
So, we turn it around... and start taking actions "to do something"... taking actions -- to seek, achieve, and maintain sobriety".
I think you're on the right path! I relate. I used to sit up late all night... reading and studying the Big Book... while I was drinking! That went on for days and for weeks for me! Drinking and reading Alcoholics Anonymous -- trying to figure out what Bill did... to stay sober. I related to him in -- how I had no power to "not drink". He had no power to "not drink". But, he discovered a power to keep him sober... by taking actions that would keep him sober. Once I figured out "what actions he was doing"... I started doing the same actions... while drinking.
I reached a place of "what's the use? It isn't going to work for me." And, guess what? Next thing I knew... I was sober!
Imagine what a shocker that was for me!