finding root cause

12 Steps: Discussions related to the 12 Steps and using them as a treatment to recover from alcohol and drug addiction.
garden variety
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm

Postby garden variety » Sun Oct 21, 2007 11:48 am

Dallas wrote:It's a good idea to be careful when looking for root causes --
if too much time is spent on looking back -- it leaves little time to look at now.

The more time that's spent in looking at problems -- means the less time spent in working the solution.

Boy Howdy this is true.

I second what Dallas is saying here. That's how it worked with me. When I changed 50% of the way I used to do things, then everything else started taking care of itself. Ha! I guess you really could say that I was "amazed" before I was halfway through. I'm still amazed today!

Now about those "relationship" issues and unresolved stuff with mom and dad, I tried doing that inventory thing with my lady friend. I can't find hardly anything similar with my dad or mom - the things I liked or disliked about them. She just doesn't seem to fit into any of those patterns.

I think it had something to do with not being involved with someone for so long and having a chance to really focus on thoroughly working the program. The person I seemed to "attract" and start loving has a lot more things in common with the way that I am today than the way my dad and mom are.

I'm not saying there's nothing she has in common with my parents - but I can't seem to nail down anything real specific. But the other part of it is, I'm really happy with this girl and the way she is. I mean she has a couple of things that are common to folks that had to live with an alcoholic and who tore through her life like a tornado (her last husband), but those things I understand because I been in the program and I also know a little about Al-anon.

But I don't think I could ask for more in a lady. She's just a real person that lives in the moment - which is what I do. And man we can sure have a lot of fun together without even thinking about it. Now we been seeing each other since February and we spend weekends together at her house - so it's not like we haven't seen or heard each other doing things that aren't always on our best behavior. I just can't find no real issues that we "fight" about.

Just as an example, she has called me a "dumba_ss" a couple times. Those were times when I was really being a "dumba_ss". As soon as she said it - I paused a minute - then I cracked up laughing because she was so right. She was worried that I was being "sarcastic" or that I was gonna come out of some kind of rage bag, but she was so much on the money I couldn't do anything but laugh out loud. I just smiled and said "You are absolutely right - I was being a dumba_ss wasn't I?"

After that first time - it seemed to really open some doors and it cleared a lot of worries for her - I mean that I could look at my behavior without getting defensive. So this is good for me because I learn a lot about "being normal" by watching her. She has a pretty good set of boundaries and a lot of good habits that "earth persons" have that I need to make happen in my life.

So I just "love and learn". To me it's like a journey I never been on before - this girl isn't like anyone else I ever been in a relationship with. So it's all new. I guess I just feel there's not anything I need to be "analyzing" or "over-analyzing" or making things more complicated. That's a habit that I learned before I met this girl - I learned it was too painful and counter-productive. My sponsor and sober friends basically taught me how "not to waste time sweating the little things".

I tell you what - I know there is no "easier softer way" than this life. I should say this "second chance on life".

Like Dallas said "I can't think my way into good actions, but I can act my way into good thinking." That is a real truth that came to life for me in AA. Thank you all for helping me today.

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Postby Dallas » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:53 pm

GV wrote:I can't find hardly anything similar with my dad or mom - the things I liked or disliked about them. She just doesn't seem to fit into any of those patterns.

Looks as though your development of habits to take "right actions" has produced better choices, and the better choices is now feeding more right actions! And, now you are enjoying better outcomes! Imagine that!!! :wink: That's "the way it works!" :lol:

Imagine if you had been focused on "the problems"? If you had been focused on the problems -- the lady friend might have appeared -- and you would have missed the window of opportunity to see her!


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