Dallas wrote:It's a good idea to be careful when looking for root causes --
if too much time is spent on looking back -- it leaves little time to look at now.
The more time that's spent in looking at problems -- means the less time spent in working the solution.
Boy Howdy this is true.
I second what Dallas is saying here. That's how it worked with me. When I changed 50% of the way I used to do things, then everything else started taking care of itself. Ha! I guess you really could say that I was "amazed" before I was halfway through. I'm still amazed today!
Now about those "relationship" issues and unresolved stuff with mom and dad, I tried doing that inventory thing with my lady friend. I can't find hardly anything similar with my dad or mom - the things I liked or disliked about them. She just doesn't seem to fit into any of those patterns.
I think it had something to do with not being involved with someone for so long and having a chance to really focus on thoroughly working the program. The person I seemed to "attract" and start loving has a lot more things in common with the way that I am today than the way my dad and mom are.
I'm not saying there's nothing she has in common with my parents - but I can't seem to nail down anything real specific. But the other part of it is, I'm really happy with this girl and the way she is. I mean she has a couple of things that are common to folks that had to live with an alcoholic and who tore through her life like a tornado (her last husband), but those things I understand because I been in the program and I also know a little about Al-anon.
But I don't think I could ask for more in a lady. She's just a real person that lives in the moment - which is what I do. And man we can sure have a lot of fun together without even thinking about it. Now we been seeing each other since February and we spend weekends together at her house - so it's not like we haven't seen or heard each other doing things that aren't always on our best behavior. I just can't find no real issues that we "fight" about.
Just as an example, she has called me a "dumba_ss" a couple times. Those were times when I was really being a "dumba_ss". As soon as she said it - I paused a minute - then I cracked up laughing because she was so right. She was worried that I was being "sarcastic" or that I was gonna come out of some kind of rage bag, but she was so much on the money I couldn't do anything but laugh out loud. I just smiled and said "You are absolutely right - I was being a dumba_ss wasn't I?"
After that first time - it seemed to really open some doors and it cleared a lot of worries for her - I mean that I could look at my behavior without getting defensive. So this is good for me because I learn a lot about "being normal" by watching her. She has a pretty good set of boundaries and a lot of good habits that "earth persons" have that I need to make happen in my life.
So I just "love and learn". To me it's like a journey I never been on before - this girl isn't like anyone else I ever been in a relationship with. So it's all new. I guess I just feel there's not anything I need to be "analyzing" or "over-analyzing" or making things more complicated. That's a habit that I learned before I met this girl - I learned it was too painful and counter-productive. My sponsor and sober friends basically taught me how "not to waste time sweating the little things".
I tell you what - I know there is no "easier softer way" than this life. I should say this "second chance on life".
Like Dallas said "I can't think my way into good actions, but I can act my way into good thinking." That is a real truth that came to life for me in AA. Thank you all for helping me today.
That's "the way it works!" 