One Liners

Share your sobriety jokes and humor here
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One Liners

Postby Dallas » Mon May 08, 2006 4:23 pm

"If you keep doing what you're doing --
You'll keep getting what you're getting
If you don't like what you're getting
Change what you're doing!"

"When the Will is in conflict
With the Imagination or the Emotions
the Will ALWAYS loses!"

"If you are in the wrong place --
the right place is empty."

"The way to become an Old-Timer --
Don't drink and don't die!"

"The ignorance that's no excuse
is usually better than anything else we can think of."

"When I first came in to A.A.
I couldn't hear the words --
But I sure could hear the music!"

"Alcoholics Anonymous does not work in theory --
It only works in practice!"

"Have a nice day --
Unless you've made other plans!"

"Step One -- You messed it up
Step Two -- It can be fixed
Step Three -- But not by you!"

"God speaks to me through the strangest people --
Some of whom I don't like!"

"The reason people blame other people --
There is only one alternative!"

"Rationalization is like masterbation --
You are only screwing yourself!"

"If you're having trouble believing in a Power Greater than yourself --
Just try believing in a Power Other than yourself!"

"Humor isn't for everyone --
It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life and feel alive!"

"Live each day as if it were your last --
Eventually, you will be right!"

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Postby Jools » Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:50 pm

I'm gonna print these.....


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Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm

Postby sunlight » Thu Feb 26, 2009 10:06 pm

These are priceless!

I'd love to make them into bumper stickers and cover my car with them.

Then, I wouldn't have to wash it! :lol:

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Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 4:37 am

Postby Tami4497 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:18 am

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

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Postby RichC » Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:53 pm


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Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 4:37 am

A few more Quotes, slogans, and sayings....

Postby Tami4497 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:56 am

"Life is like a library owned by the author. In it are a few books which he wrote himself, but most of them were written for him." ~Harry Emerson Fosdick

"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more." ~Sir Thomas Brown

"The important thing is not to stop questioning." ~Albert Einstein -

"Don't go through life, GROW through life." ~Eric Butterworth

"Take heed: you do not find what you do not seek." ~English Proverb -

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." ~ Les Brown -

"All my life I've wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific." ~Jane Wagner

"The more we give of anything, the more we shall get back." ~Grace Speare -

"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition." - ~Mohandas Gandhi

"Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation..... even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind." - ~Leonardo da Vinci -

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." ~ Mohandas Gandhi -

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." ~Albert Einstein -

"We are prone to judge success by the index of our salaries or the size of our automobile rather than by the quality of our service and relationship to mankind" ~ Martin Luther King-

"Everybody can be great because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subjuct and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love" ~Dr Martin Luther King-

"Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings." ~ Ralph Blum

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one". ~Elbert Hubbard

He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. ~Homer Simpson

If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I stuck with the pits?

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

I am in my own little world but it's okay they know me here.

Finally things will start clicking…your elbow, knees and back!

Where there are no swamps there are no frogs.

Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. ~Doug Larson

"With one hand, hold onto a friend, and put the other in God's hands, then you won't have any for a bottle."

My admiration for the phenomenon of Alcoholics Anonymous is boundless. ~Mercedes McCambridge

The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity. ~Author Unknown

You can preserve many things in alcohol...except your dignity. ~Author Unknown

When the wine goes in, strange things come out. ~Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller, The Piccolomini, 1799<!, act 2, scene 12, MBT p33

If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought. ~Samuel Johnson

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Lady Astor

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. ~W.C. Fields

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. ~Author unknown

I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it. ~Thomas Jackson

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. ~Jack Handey

When the wine is in, the wit is out. ~Proverb

Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord. ~Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. ~Robert Benchley

The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. ~Jean Kerr

Drunkenness is temporary suicide. ~Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. ~Homer Simpson
Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. ~Seneca

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~Henny Youngman

How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? ~Author Unknown

Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God.
~Marguerite Duras

An impaired mind is an unprepared mind.
~Duane Alan Hahn

Alcoholism isn't a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play.
~Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

A few years back I was more a candidate for skid row bum than an Emmy. If I hadn't stopped drinking, I'd be playing handball with John Belushi right now. ~John Larroquette (adapted)

There is this to be said in favor of drinking, that it takes the drunkard first out of society, then out of the world.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.
~Abraham H. Maslow

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.
~Mary Pettibone Poole

A whale is harpooned only when it spouts.
~Henry Hillman

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
~Scott Beach's grandfather

How we think shows through in how we act. Attitudes are mirrors of the mind. They reflect thinking.
~David J. Schwartz

A bad attitude is the worst thing that can happen to a group of people. It's infectious.
~Roger Allan Raby

Everyone has the power to make others happy. Some do it by entering the room, others by leaving it.

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
~Oscar Wilde

I try to hold grudges, but they always wiggle out of my hands.
~Duane Alan Hahn

If you feel there are others below you, you will feel the crush of others above you.
~Duane Alan Hahn

Man must realize his own unimportance before he can appreciate his importance.
~R. M. Baumgardy

Take the attitude of a student. Never be to big to ask questions. Never know to much to learn something new.
~Og Mandino

It's not your aptitude but your attitude that will determine your altitude.
~Jesse Jackson (adapted)

Nothing in life is so hard that you can't make it easier by the way you take it.
~Ellen Glasgow

It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety. ~Thomas de Quincy, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, 1856

I made a commitment to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened upon me, spiritually and financially. ~ Denzel Washington

If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic. ~Author Unknown

"His craving for alcohol was the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God."
"You see, "alcohol" in Latin is "spiritus" and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum".

Worry is the activity of a mind which does not understand its connection with Me.

Worry affects the circulation, the heart, the glands, the whole nervous system. I have never known a man who died from over work, but many who died from doubt.
~Charles Horace Mayo

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.
~Mahatma Gandhi

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
~Elbert Hubbard

No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today, that the weight is more than a man can bear.
~George Macdonald

Worry is a useless mulling over of things we cannot change.
~Peace Pilgrim

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays.

Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.

Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.
~Corrie Ten Boom

As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can.
~Julius Caesar

People get so in the habit of worry that if you save them from drowning and put them on a bank to dry in the sun with hot chocolate and muffins they wonder whether they are catching cold.
~John Jay Chapman

When I look back on all the worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened.
~Winston Churchill

If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system.
~William James

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Postby Dallas » Mon Jan 03, 2011 7:56 pm

Wow! Thanks for the contribution of posting that long list of great quotes! I appreciate you!!!

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