Hello BrandyeW, Welcome to the site! It you don't get too many other welcomes... it could be... because your post is in "the announcements" part... and most alcoholics do not read the announcements part of anything.
The just seem to figure announcements are for others and not for them.
Just sayin' for just in case.
Believe it or not... I UNDERSTAND what you're going through.
First of all... a disclaimer, I don't know you and I don't know your sponsor. So, hopefully, whatever I write I hope will come as "an objective reply from someone who's not familiar with the personal situation."
I'm a real head-strong kind of person. I like doing things MY WAY. I left home when I was 13 yrs old and never went back. I raised myself, supported myself, and everything I ever got -- I got it myself. Good or bad. My first sponsor referred to me as "Self Made" and I took it as a compliment... until I realized that not only was it a compliment -- it was a serious liability for me to be able to recover.
The reason I became "self-made" was because... I was unable to find or utilize "positive examples" that had solutions that really worked -- towards solving life problems. So, I came up with my own unique designs for living & methods to solving problems -- and for the most part -- they produced very successful results. They also produced some problems, but I had felt that the successes always were greater than the problems that they produced.
My life ended up in the crapper.
And, despite my best ideas, methods and efforts... I couldn't get it out of the crapper.... and I thought... that the reason was "I couldn't stay sober."
So, eventually... I discovered AA, and after a failed attempt, I was eventually able to make it back, and try to do it differently. I took the Steps. Got real active in AA. And, my life was working pretty good. The results were good. And, I was still kind of "directing my own show."
At about 7 1/2 yrs sober... I moved from my AA nest to a different geo-location. My serenity went to hell in a hand-basket. I was on my own and things were not working out.
I called a man that I knew in AA -- from Los Angeles -- where I got sober, and I asked him to be my sponsor. I knew what the requirements would be to ask him. If I were going to ask him -- I would have to put the brakes on doing things "my way." And, I would have to accept his judgement for me and my life, and his directions for me -- over my own.
Under normal circumstances... I would NEVER have allowed myself to do this. However, I was faced with some very un-normal circumstances and I knew that I WOULD NOT be able to maintain my sobriety or sanity -- doing as I had been doing. And, I knew... that this particular AA, was the only AA that I had ever met -- that I knew, from examining the results of other AA's lives (that he sponsored) would be able to help me.
So, I put up the white flag of surrender. Asked him to be my sponsor. And, made a personal commitment that -- even if I disagreed with what he said -- I would do it anyway. Over the next few following years, it seemed like when I did things his way -- they always worked out great. When I'd slip into my way -- I'd end up in big time trouble.
And, again... I was moving along pretty good, with a mix of his ways and secretly when i could... my way, too!
At 10 years sober -- I literally blew a head gasket! I was sober. From the outside looking in -- I would have appeared to be very successful. And, I went nuts. To the point of... a psychiatrist wanted to admit me to a psych hospital and put me on some heavy meds!
Ut-oh! What happened to me? Did AA stop working for me? Did the Steps & all the literature that I read and studied, and the Big Book, stop working for me?
Well... evidently, it did... because at 10 years sober I was facing a psych hospital! And, my sponsor told me -- when I called to tell him about it -- that I needed to find another sponsor -- because he did not have experience sponsoring people on medication like the psych wanted to put me on -- and he was not going to give me med advice.
I was terrified! Now I was facing a psych hospital admittance and I'd have to find a new sponsor -- and, I already knew, that if HE could not sponsor me -- there was not another soul in all of AA that would be qualified to help me stay sober.
What I did was: not take the psych and med advice but made a decision to take my sponsors direction instead. I followed his directions precisely. I stopped doing Life my way. I got back into the Big Book and studied it more fervently than ever had done before -- and I began taking every single suggestion in the Big Book literally -- just as if it had been written precisely for ME.
What happened? I straightened out. I got better. And, my life today is better than anything I could ever imagine for myself. I no longer have the mood swings and depressions that were crippling me -- and no, I'm not on drugs.
I learned what it would end up for me to "do it my way." And, I came to understand the meaning of "I guess you need to do it your way." And, I learned that the worse thing I could do for me was to ever get mad at my sponsor.
Unfortunately... my reply was not a short quick one. The only thing I could do here was to share "this is what it was like for me, what happened to me, and what I' like today" and hope that you'll get something out of it.... and if you don't... that's okay too... because I know that you showing up here with your concern -- for me -- was to help me. And, hopefully, my experience will in someway be of help to you or someone else, too.
Best wishes for you!
Dallas B.
