Dallas wrote:I don't know. Maybe it's better to dive right into a relationship -- mix it up -- shake it up -- get some pain going on -- to help you dive into the solution.
My thoughts exactly. Nice touch, Dallas!
That's why "unwritten rules" that become "general unwritten guidelines" and get handed down from sponsor to sponsee are pretty much watered down personal belief systems that ARE NOT a part of the program. Dallas, your "unwritten rules" about sex and sponsors wouldn't have meant anything to me unless I shared the experience. It's not part of the book, it's a part of your personal belief system, or "God as you understand Him."
It's so much better to have had the experience, and then see that you had a similar one that led to you developing your own concept of "right and wrong". That's the magic of AA - we IDENTIFY with each other's experience. It helps us to form a personal bond that keeps us stronger and sober.
Now regarding "relationships", that wasn't what I was talking about here. I was commenting on sexual attraction and/or "activities" between sponsor and sponsee. That didn't work for either the lady or me, but the relationship did work when the element of sponsorship was removed. No sobriety threatening issues, no related relapses.
Of course you probably already know the book says that sexual encounters and relationships ending in relapse "is only a half-truth". In other words, it's a "watered-down" rendition of another person's belief system under the guise of the AA program. Don't believe me? Go read page 70.
We are each entitled to have sexual relationships anytime we feel inclined, and our fellows are not supposed to be "sexual arbiters". How else can a person learn how to have a good relationship? A good sponsor won't throw those "unwritten rules" in the face of a sponsee. That's not a requirement. For me it's not right to deny a man his own painful or pleasurable experience that perhaps, as Dallas said, "God is in the middle" of it?
I had a new man ask me about relationships, and of course he was in the middle of an unhealthy one. I told him I don't have an opinion about relationships. He pressed me about that dam "1-year rule". I told him I'm not going to deny him the right to learn from his experiences.
That's how it worked out best for me. Often, pain was a pretty darn good teacher to me. When it hurts bad enough, I will change.