- Hi, my name is Gary

Hi, my name is Gary

Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!

Hi, my name is Gary

Postby GaryK » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:48 am

Hi, my name is Gary and I'm an Alcoholic.
A wet Monday morning, woman's gone. I should be at work, but the jobs gone too. Supposed to go back up there today to get my tools, but ain't quite got the guts to go face it.
Haven't had a drink in 5 days and the reality of my wake of destruction is starting to settle in.
Got a sponsor, and been doing two meetings a day since last Thursday.

I went to my first AA meeting in December of 1979, speaker meeting in a Church basement, smoke so thick you could cut it with a dull knife. The speaker said, "Anything you put in front of your Sobriety, your gonna loose". Guess he was right too.

Am I constutionally incapable of being honest with myself? I don't know, but I'm scared that I may be.
I been down this road so many times before, that at times, I feel pathetic and helpless. So weak and worthless. My built in forgetter works real well and all I wanted was to be an Earth MoFo, and have the picket fence and the Pretty little wife in her apron.

I had a hard time drving myself home from gettin fired the other day. And a harder time tellin my boy I got fired from yet another dream job. Thought about drivin off the bridge, slammin into an oncomming 18 wheeler, or pullin the trigger once I did get to my house.

Not being a cry baby, poor me another drink, pitty party dude here. Just typin what I feel, and I guess this is what this forum is all about.

I was commin up on 5 years clean and sober about 5 years ago.
My wife got cancer, and died. I lost my business and went back on the road drivin a truck. (NOT a good place for me to be).
Picked up, and found this sweet young thing livin in Texas on match.dummy.
Fell in lust and carried on a 2 year, long distant lust affair, with a centerfold who drinks more than she wants to look at.
She's a Rock Star and of course plays all her tunes in Bars. Her family lives up here and she wanted the Country Dream, so she said, as much as I did.
I brought her home to live "Happily Ever After".
After gonin to Texas 6 times basically rebuilding her house to get it ready to sell. It Didn't, so she rented it out, quit her school job, and wanted me to give her a 100 bucks a week while she worked on her music.
I said I would too, knowin full well I couldn't really afford it.
It snowed, it got cold, pipes froze, I live on the side of a mountain and we had to walk up the driveway. Peein outside was just about the last straw till I came home drunk one night to a cold, empty house, no dinner, and she was out runnin the roads with her nephew tryin to be 20 again.
I drop kicked her gitar cross the room and it ain't been right since.
(I bought her a newer and better one and tried to make my amend).

According to her......."You have Ruined Me". "I gave it all up for THIS".
"If only you would do this, this, and THIS.......Your Sh** would be together and WE would be Happy". She started moving My stuff out on the deck and movin her stuff in while I was at work tryin to make my humble cabin more "Girly" so she said, makin a home for Christmas, for me and my kid......................but was all talkin to her sister and kid about Their Xmas party at My house.
Guess I copped a resentment.
She is in regular contact with a couple of her Ex's and I guess I'm Nuts, cause I had a problem with that.................. :x
"Oh it's nothing, Just Friends".

She moved out and we started the weekend sleepovers with her leavin every Monday morning. Gettin it on Friday night, then listening to her tell me all that I did all the rest of the weekend. Pysco, Drunk, Meanest Man Alive, You did this, this, and this to me, were what I was hearin all the time.
She's blow me of to get drunk with her sisters and "The Band".

We went to a few meetings together and it pissed her off. Made her damn uncomfortable too. What a drag going for ice cream after the meeting. But the 4 glasses of Whine in the Whine Bar (in 45 minutes) settled her down long as talkin Sh** to some dude in the bar was OK. "It's the Music Business".....Deal with it.

"Al-Anon, is for Good for some people, who cater to the Drunks, and can't get anybody better".
AA makes it all OK, to be an Asshole to people cause They are Sick..............BullSh**. I'll never get involved with one of YOU again".

30 days ago TODAY. I said that's enough. GET OUT OF MY LIFE!
I been drinkin pretty steady since then. Got pissed off and told them so over our school's employee email site.
Got Fired too................Imagine that.

So back to square one, step one.
5 days without a drink. I'm scared, lonley, ashamed, remorseful, lost the best job I ever had, and tryin to get back on track.
Hi, my name is Gary, and I'm an Alcoholic.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am
Location: Vermont

Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:40 am

Hello GaryK! Welcome to the site and thanks for introducing yourself and sharing your story!!! I'm sure there are some that will read your story and it will hit a bullseye between their identity eye! Can you remember hearing a similar story way back in the yonder-days of going to AA? :wink:

I always thought they were just nuts when they'd say something like "Alcoholism is a progressive disease! It's gets worse -- never better!"

For me, what I thought they were saying and what they were saying was two entirely different things! My thoughts were "Well... if it's going to get worse... why stop drinking?" :lol: :lol:

I didn't realize that there was another meaning to it. Such as: "Yes. Alcoholism progresses and "it" the alcoholism gets worse... even when I'm not drinking... but "I can get well and life can get well" if I plug the jug and take certain actions!"

I wonder if you heard the same AA guy that I heard that said "Anything you put in front of your sobriety -- you will lose it." I was kind of like you -- I had been to AA before I heard that -- and failed at AA, too! :lol:

That was over 20 years ago. I remembered what that guy said. I remember him as clear today as I heard him over 20 years ago! That's because I've reminded myself that he was telling the truth -- and that I had better take some effort to remember it! The day I forget it... Well... I hate to think of what will happen to me then.

Yes... there have been times and days... and weeks... that I went without thinking about it. Remembering it -- but not paying any attention to it!

Luckily, I've been able to pick myself up from the ashes... and still not had that next first drink... YET! (I thank God for that!)

You're in Vermont??? There's two famous AA's from Vermont! One was a guy named Ebby. He couldn't stay sober. Kept going back to drinking after being locked up several times to dry out. On one of the times that he was sober... he went to talk to his drunk drinking buddy from Vermont -- a guy name Bill Wilson.

Bill W. stayed sober and went on to found AA, and as a result had a hand in helping millions of alcoholics to get better. His buddy Ebby... didn't fare too well. He finally got about two years sober right before he died.

While there's no need to be a founder of something like AA... there is a need for alcoholics, like you, and like me... and there are millions of us!

I'll never be a Bill W., but it helps me to stay sober by trying to help other alcoholics. It helped me get sober, too! I was trying to help alcoholics while I was still drinking... go fingure... sounded nuts... but it got me a second chance to get sober myself! (I learned that method from Bill W.'s story! And, the Dr.'s Opinion, in the Big Book, and it worked for me, too!)

GaryK, dust off the ashes! Let the smoke clear! Let the dust settle. Pick up the tools of AA and the AA Fellowship and join us! Keep the jub plugged and travel that Road of Happy Destiny with us! You'll be glad you did!

This could be the first day of a really good life for you --good and sober! -- a life better than anything you have ever imagined for yourself! How do I know that? Because they told me that, too, when I came back to AA!

For me, they were right. I crawled out of the pit, cleaned up, cleaned out, and joined them... and my life today is better than any life I ever had before it! And, as long as I don't drink -- and keep doing what I've been doing -- I never have to drink again, and it will keep getting better and better and better! That's my story. I know that from experience.

Yes, there were storms and bad times... but, I was sober, and I had the Fellowship of AA to help me. We're here for you, too!

Keep coming back!

Dallas B.
Site Admin
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby angel143 » Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:43 am

Hi Gary.

My name is Heather, im a grateful alcoholic. I have 19 days today.

Congratulations on 5. Its a great step. Keep going to meetings and keep reading the posts here. They really do help.

Sounds like you are being honest with yourself right now. Keep it up. Thats a biggie from what I have noticed.

You will have bad days...but I promise, if you really want it...and you ask your HP for help...you WILL do it. You are strong enough. You really are. You just have to admit it to yourself. We all know you are.

Welcome to the site. The others will be on throughout the day and they are all the most wonderful people you could ever ask for in your life. They will all say hi and welcome you too.

Please continue to share...ask questions, make comments. Your sharing helps all of us.

Thank you for sharing, stay strong, if you need anything, just tell us!

Posts: 150
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:46 pm
Location: Mesa, AZ

Postby GaryK » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:15 am

Thanks for the welcome!
Point me at the coffee pot and I'll take a seat.

I have been sandbagging here for a few days reading a lot of posts and I know it's a good thing.

Dallas, I don't know to much about Ebby, but I have been to The Wilson House a couple of times over the years and to Bill & Lois's graves.
Dorset Vt. (Bills Birthplace is about 35 miles from me).
Pretty Powerful stuff! I encourage Anyone and Everyone who ever can to go there.

Lest I'm wrong, (Thought I was once, but I was mistaken), Dr. Bob was born in St. Johnsburry Vt.
Not that it matters...............

I know what I gotta do, and for right this minute. I'm doin it.
Yesterday is History. Tomorrow a Mystery. Be Here Now!

I got a good sponsor, got a handfull of good friends in the program, still got my drivers license, a house, and a good dog. I beleive in a Power Greater than me. There is with me and no doubt a Gazillion of us, no Logical reason for any of us to be alive today. Got to be some kind of plan, bein made by somebody or something. Nobody is That Lucky.
I got a lot to be grateful for. Really.

My relationship was doomed from day one, and I'm still smartin over it a bit, but it'll pass. I can always find another job. It could have been so, so, much worse.
I'm not so much worried about the "Yets" as I am "The Agains".

Thanks again for the welcome!

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am
Location: Vermont

Postby Susan68 » Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:07 pm

I don't have time today to read through the responses that were posted for you (although I will at some point this week catch up on my Step12.com reading/responding!!), but I did read your post and I just wanted to say . . .


:) 8) :D :)

It's always darkest before the dawn they say. You can't do anything about yesterday, so let it all go (the job, the woman, the smashed "gitar" the pee'ing outside the cold). Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and it's going to be a sober life. Your efforts in the past obviously did not fully entail your giving in to your Higher Power and taking the Steps, but this time is going to be different.

I can't necessarily identify with precisely the facts you have relayed to us but I can identify with a life of embarassments and personal alcohol-induced shortages. I can also identify with waking up the morning after the last night I got drunk and feeling very sick and feeling like it was all screwed up, out of control, etc.

51 days later I feel a little different (well, actually, a lot different).

Make sure you keep coming back to this site. This site is very cool with a lot of warm alcoholics. Also, get to your meetings, take it easy, one minute at a time if you can't fathom one day at a time.

Susan, alcoholic.
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:53 pm
Location: New Jersey

Postby Susan68 » Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:15 pm

Actually, that's not true, I can identify with some of the facts as you have relayed them:

I have become from time to time verbally cruel and angry when drunk and in fact the last time I drank I told my 69 year old mother and my deceased father were "f@#ing losers" among other things. I embarassed her in a restaurant; if I had been sitting in her seat I would have gotten up and left me sitting there.

I've pee-d out in the cold too, but not since I was 15!! :wink:

Just so you know you're in good and familiar company . . .
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:53 pm
Location: New Jersey

Postby GaryK » Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:40 pm

Thanks Susan.

I'm likin this site already.
I felt like headin off to the Looney Nooner today but my son is home and we are just kinda hangin out. He has been off on a "run of his own" for the last 5 days and wanted to spend the remains of Fathers Day with me last night. (I was Out), at a meeting.
We have been doing a few things around the homestead and just talking.
Feels weird, not being at work...............But OK.
Feels weird not havin a woman around too.................But OK.
I know when one door slams shut, another one will open, when my HP thinks I'm ready.
My kid is home safe and I'm grateful for that.

Theres an Amend to make..............
I have drank with, smoked weed with, and drove drunk a thousand times with my 16 year old son.
He has got his own "Taste" for it. His mother died 14 years sober, and I been a Drunk since Day One.
I never crossed over any line to become Alcoholic.
The Dr. slapped me, I slapped him back and was wantin a beer.
I have never had a "Social" drink in my life. Got no idea of why one would have A Drink. Can't relate, at all.

I set a pretty bad example for my son. BUT, I'm tryin to straighten it out today.
It'll come..........Performance over time.

This site is almost like "The Grapevine" on Steroids.

I keep running page 449 over in my head about acceptence.
Nothing, absoluley nothing happens by mistake.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am
Location: Vermont

Postby angel143 » Mon Jun 22, 2009 1:04 pm

Gary you are doing great.

Is your meeting an open meeting? Maybe your son could go with you.

Its great that you are wanting to show him the right way. He will see. He knows. Kids are a lot more intelligent these days than we give them credit for.

One day at time. Hang in there. You will be sober and happy!

Yes, this site is amazing. The people on here are genuinely concerned about each other.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Never be afraid to be honest.

We are all here for you.

Posts: 150
Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:46 pm
Location: Mesa, AZ

Postby GaryK » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:53 pm

Hey Heather,
Thanks. My son has been to meetings before. So the seed is planted.
He is aware of his Genes, and concerned.

Right now I gotta take care of me and set the example, not for him, but for me.

Just got back from my Monday night Meeting.
Topic on Acceptence................Imagine that. :?
Tryin to work step 3, tryin to be willing.
Goin to bed alone, but Sober.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am
Location: Vermont

Postby ccs » Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:04 am

Hi Gary WELCOME!!!!! its nice to have you here keep coming back and sharing with us

we need to hear your story this really is a great place to be so welcome to our little cyberfamily :D

and Susan good to hear from you I`ve been thinking about you and hopeing you where ok you`ve been so quite for a couple a days
glad to hear your ok I`ve been missing you LUV YA :wink:


Posts: 392
Joined: Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:44 am
Location: Tampa Bay Area Fla.


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