- Hi, my name is Gary

Hi, my name is Gary




Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!

Postby tim-one » Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:44 am

ATTABOY, Gary! You know whatcha gotta do. Sounds like ther right course of action to me.

Hi, I'm Tim1 and I'm a real, honest-ta-goo'ness, spec-book alcofrignholic.

Congratulations for comin' back ... again. No cause for bare-ass-ment there. But, like me, I'm sure you need to feel it right now. I call it "good grief".

I lurked here first, too. Wanted to see if they were saying stuff I didn't want to hear. They were. So I jumped in with both needy feet.

Man, your story ... been there done that kinda thing.

'Cept I ain't cool enough to score a Rock Star GF. God knows I tried, being an old hard-azz rock drummer. Appears that a good thing for me, huh? (Still rockin', but not rocked.) "Shaken ... not stirred". 8)

reality of my wake of destruction is starting to settle in


As a Texas boater, I am well aware of the signs. They're on every lake.

"You are responsible for your wake"

I also know that if you stop the boat to quick, your wake catches up to you and might swamp your boat.

I did NOT say, EVERYBODY, that we should slow down before stopping. OK? Get that clear. :D

All I'm sayin' is, expect your wake to catch up. 'Course you know that, being an experienced newcomer. :wink: . like me.

4 glasses of Whine in the Whine Bar


My favorite name for an AA group ... "The Whinery". :P

Glad you're here, brother. Let's do this thing together.

Love ya, bro,
Tim1
tim-one
 
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Postby GaryK » Tue Jun 23, 2009 10:05 am

Thanks, and double thanks.
Almost brought a tear to this old hillbilly's eyes.
Lump in the throat fer sure.

Just seein your in Texas gave me a little "somethin", seein that is where she came from. Still smartin over it, but a little less than yesterday.
Tryin real hard to look at the whole trip realistically, and objectively.
What WAS I doin with a chick that likes to Party??????????????
I been to the CC in Austin, didn't see the big deal, just another smelly bar to me.

I'm printin out Dallas's thing on Step Three to hang on the refrigerator.
See, I'm sicker than most, and need Concrete Directions on what to do, and then HOW to go about it.

TODAY, I want so bad to be Comfortable in my own skin, not have my gut in knots, NOT be full of FEAR, and find Peace.
Didn't sleep so good last night. Mind goin around and around in circles.
What IF.....................I had or hadn't done what I did or didn't do.
FEAR, causes Anger, Anger causes RAGE, Rage gets Gary Drunk. And then nobody wants him around.
53 years old and startin over, again.

Headed off to my former job in a bit to get my tools...............
Scared, em-bare-Assed, and full of Shame.
Someday I hope to get that feeling they talk about in the BB where we don't Grovel before anyone.
Especially a chick with a gitar in a bar.

Not thirsty today and will be at a meetin tonight, God willin.
G




GaryK
 
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Location: Vermont

Postby tim-one » Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:14 am

Tickled to see a good ol' boy here, bud. :)

I was a beer-drinking redneck. I don't drink beer anymore. :lol:

Me thinks Dallas is in Ar-Kansas, Right, Dallas? (My previous mention of "Arkasas talk" came from a great camping trip of a week workin' our way up Scenic 7. GREAT time!)

And, Gary, as you can tell, you can type like ya talk here. At least I haven't been throwed out yet ... YET. :P

Good boy ... go take care of yourself and let us know how it's goin'. K?

Love,
Tim1
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Postby tim-one » Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:22 am

PS: I'm 56. And 6 months old. Never too late to get re-birthed!

HALLELUJAH !!!! :D

I was thinkin' about the word "reborn". What do babies know? Don't know sh!t. What did I know when I came back in? Nuthin but.

Staring over at the Breast. FEED ME!

Love,
Tim1
tim-one
 
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Postby Susan68 » Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:47 am

ccs wrote:Susan good to hear from you I`ve been thinking about you and hopeing you where ok you`ve been so quite for a couple a days
glad to hear your ok I`ve been missing you LUV YA :wink:


I've been crazy busy at work, but I know I owe some folks some responses to PM's, posts, etc. I pop in briefly each day but have to wait for the weekend to really respond.

Thank you for thinking of me!!! :) :) :)
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:39 pm

GaryK wrote:TODAY, I want so bad to be Comfortable in my own skin, not have my gut in knots, NOT be full of FEAR, and find Peace.
Didn't sleep so good last night. Mind goin around and around in circles.
What IF.....................I had or hadn't done what I did or didn't do.
FEAR, causes Anger, Anger causes RAGE, Rage gets Gary Drunk. And then nobody wants him around.
53 years old and startin over, again.


Gary, I understand and indentify with what you're experiencing! Thanks for sharing it... You're helping me by reminding me of what it was like for me... and the stuff that I went through like you're going through.

They kept saying corny stuff like "This too shall pass!" And, I just wanted to smack 'em upside the head with their dummies book!" "How could they know what I'm feeling? The stuff I'm feeling would kill everyone in this room!". :lol:

So, thanks for helping me, today!!!

One thing I discovered for me -- because I was so full of rage when I got sober... that it was "pain" that had started the ball rolling for me. I was hurt inside -- and I couldn't handle dealing with the pain -- I didn't know how to go through hurt feelings -- I could handle physical pain -- but inner pain was just too difficult for me to deal with. Made me feel like a girly-girl cry baby would feel... and, even she could handle inner pain better than me!

So, I'd try to numb it all out. My feelings were hurt. My heart was broken. I couldn't handle it.

For many years I could numb it out with drinking.... then, I'd have to drink till I passed out to numb it out. And, I wasn't even aware that this was what was going on for me! I thought I was just pissed off at the world and angry at everyone and everything! I should have had a tattoo on my forehead that simply said "FTW!" in bold caps!

So, what I figured out was... I was trying to numb my pain, by "I just don't even care!"... to "Sombitch' I hate your guts! You and the truck you fell out of!" :twisted: :mrgreen: :twisted: :evil: I HATE YOU ALL! FTW! LEAVE ME ALONE DAMN IT! DON'T NEED YOU'RE DAMN HELP!!!"

What I figured out was the pain was killing me... and I'd use the anger to cover it up and numb it. I'd pretend and try to act as if I was the real tough guy! You can't hurt me! Because I don't care!

My greatest fear was sobering up. I was afraid of what I'd do with all that raving rage... if I wasn't numbing it. Emotional pain was not a consideration. Didn't think I had any! I was WWIII looking for a place to make my declaration of war! And, drinking... made me social. I thought I was drinking to "Protect and Preserve Humanity!" to help me to not just go off on all of them!

After I sobered up... it was nuts. Couldn't think a straight word, let alone a straight sentence... nor could I speak one. The pain. Fear. Anger. Hurting inside... and some dummy says "Just keep coming back! It's get better!" I just wanted to kill him!!!!

He was right, partially... as I kept "coming back" it kept getting worse... and I was convinced that God was out to get me... and it would never get better... Besides... I felt that I deserved for God to hate me... I did a bunch of bad things... and I hated me too! (Something else it took me a long time to discover!)

But, as it kept getting worse... I was determined that "if sobriety kills me at least I'll die sober!" :shock: And, eventually I discovered the tools and the people that could help me out of the pain, and anger and fear.

I wouldn't have discovered that if I hadn't kept going back. And, the tools really did work! Eventually, they rocketed me into a diminsion of life... that I only thought was available to drinkers and stoners. And, I was living it sober!

Today... I still need to continue to use those tools... And, I do. But, I'm also human, and alcoholic... I tend to stop doing what makes me feel good and get my life good... and then, like a magnet... I slip back to my old ways.

That's why people like you, Gary, save my butt!!! You remind of what I'll go through if I go down the road of a slacker... I'll end up drunk again and getting sober will kill me!!!

Hang in there, bro. You know from your past experiences... that you really can get through this... and that all of us in AA will be here to help pull you through it. We have to. We never know when we'll be needing you to pull us through it!!! Self-preservation by helping others! :lol: :lol: (Sounds selfish to me!!!) :lol:

Oh... and the pretty chicks... and guitar totin' ones... have you ever checked out the young psychology major student ones??? They love fixin' guys like us!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

The sad truth is... with all them millions of wonderful beautiful ladies out there... we'll miss out on all of them... sooner rather than later... if we return to drinking! :lol: :lol:

I understand. :wink:

Dallas
Dallas
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Postby GaryK » Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:16 pm

You guys, (& Gals) are starin to.....make me like have this warm fuzzy feelin.........that I ain't to familiar with.
Even deeper than that, is you Know what I'm talkin about, and feelin.
Seems this mode of communication is something different than noddin heads sittin across the table from you........sayin I can relate to that.
Why is this different?

Dallas, you said a mouthful!
I been scared all my life. Sad part of it is really, I don't even know all of what I'm scared of. Just scared.
I been puttin on the tough guy front since before kindergarden.
I can damn well show you I'm mad. I know how to do that.
Break things too...........

I just got back from seein my therapist guy, Good session too.
Went there directly after going up to my school and getting my tools.

My former boss helped me load the farm truck and then drove both of us 20 miles to my house, then 20 miles back. We had a good talk too.
Drivin up there in my car I prayed for strenght to handle this deal, and not go off on some tangent and make things worse.
He's pretty receptive, a "Normie" but "In Tuned" just the same. His wife is a therapist and knows about "Our" affliction.

I thanked him for savin my life. He looked at me in a puzzled way not quite beleiveing what I just said.
I said the way I was headed in 6 months if I made it that long, I coulda been dead or Worse yet Hurt somebody else.
I told him by Firein me, he had done me a favor.
I told him havein people commin into my shop and takin my tools without asking and leaving them in the dirt someplace was EXACTLY like my Ex movin into my house, rearranging stuff and puttin my tools out on the deck in the rain to get ruined.
I had this old 4' MAHOGONY Level with the Brass inlays, straight edge things etc, and Chickee-Poo stuck it out under the eves, in the rain, and well it looks like Robin Hoods Bow now. I had it 30 years.

Said that the "Issue" was NOT (THE) Issue. The Real Issue being how Gary REACTED to the whole trip, got drunk, flipped out and started goin Postal (Verbally) on folks, and it weren't right.
Accepting life on lifes terms is where I'm headed, and ta hell with what others do. Meanin to say acceptence.
Meanin being a functioning member of society, Sober and Calm.

The GF thing started the slide show, the work thing Got My Attention, and it took what it took, and Today, I'm OK with that.

I feel like I had some kind of Spiritual thing today with my boss.
My sponsor showed up at my shop, another lady sober 30 years showed up (they both work there) while we were loading the truck. The words comming out of my mouth while we were driving came from someplace other than MY fearfull, embalmbed brain.
No Grovel, no attitude except of Humble and to be of Service kinda thing, but with Strenght and Conviction......................
I feel like I just watched this on TV or somethin.

He asked me if I had put any though into what I was going to do for work. I said no, not really. I'm just working on getting and stayin Sober, and gonna let the work thing take care of itself.
Told him, "Not to blow smoke up your A**" but I loved this job, and you are the best boss I ever had, although the door is shut, I don't see any Padlock on it.
He said, "You Never Know".

I'm not going there, gonna just let it happen and we will see.
The GF thing too.
I'm wantin to be Sober for ME, nobody else.

When I get my Sh** together one of Dallas's psych majoretts may come a callin.
You Never Know on this Trip whats gonna happen.
G




GaryK
 
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Location: Vermont

Postby tim-one » Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:58 pm

Gary, my BROTHER,

You're singin' my life with your words.

You guys, (& Gals) are starin to.....make me like have this warm fuzzy feelin.........that I ain't to familiar with.
Even deeper than that, is you Know what I'm talkin about, and feelin.
Seems this mode of communication is something different than noddin heads sittin across the table from you........sayin I can relate to that.
Why is this different?


It's because normal meetings don't permit cross-talk. We can only nod knowingly or laugh at the irony that we did and said the same things.

You might try to hook up with a small side-group, like a private BB study, with some guys in your home group. I do that and it's GREAT. We share our current ordeals and stepwork and discuss them freely.

Just a thunk-it.

I just had an incredible night of meetings. We talked A LOT about 'zakly what you're talking about. Good sober stuff from tons of old-timers. mmmmmmmmmboy. Did THIS body good.

I'll reply tomorrow.

Thanks for your story. It's all over me.

Love,
Tim1



Don't have time right now.
tim-one
 
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Postby garden variety » Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:20 pm

Hi Gary,

DANG! You got a country-western hit for a song about your life!

Well you're among your own kind here. I hate to say it, but there are things in your story I can really identify with. I've been homeless, woman-less, jobless, and many times have peed in the cold. Also know what it's like to be destructive, and in bands, and playing a guitar. I also know what it's like to have a son with the taste. He's serving time on fathers day.

Well this thing called sobriety has turned the upside-down world that was mine right-side up again. It took some time for me, but all those things that I gave up and lost came back to me...bigger and better. There's been some things called life that go down in sobriety, too. But I needed to learn how to live life without a drink, and to learn what the good Lord put me here for.

We're here for you, my friend. Glad you could join us.

God bless,
Paul
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Postby GaryK » Wed Jun 24, 2009 3:51 pm

Hi Paul,
Thanks for the "I can relate".
Tim too, for checkin in.

Sooner or later we all here our story, but all our stories have a number of common denominators, don't they.
I had my last drink a week ago....Yay for me.
Walked up and got a 24 hour chip at a meeing Sat. night. Humbeling tiss true, but felt OK.

Called my sponsor this morning, saw him at the Nooner, bought the book "Is it Love or Addiction"....(Yes it is), and been kickin back this afternoon readin about yet one more aspect of my addictive mind.

My sponsor told me to cool my jets (not how he put it, but what he meant) about gettin my job back.
Some psycho babble about accepting the path my HP has put my feet on.
Not what I wanted to hear, and I guess what gave me a little Twang, seein it was what I needed to hear.
First things First.............

I'm so F'in Glad I found this site!
Been reading lots of posts about this Whole Trip all of us are on.
Gives me hope. Some astonishing insights in here!
Ya know, alone, scared, Remorseful, ashamed, yadda,yadda.........Woe is me. Do a meeting and feel good for an hour than come home to an empty house...............to quiet. Nobody to Fight with, than makeup with.
I KNOW shes already got another Dude. Even if she ain't, I KNOW she does and I never meant squat to her anyway. That Bit**....................
How could she does this to a Foul mouthed, drunkin abusive AHole like me anyway after all I did for Her.
Poor Me.................Ha! :cry:

Sooner of later, IF I keep doin what I'm doin Today, IT, and (Maybe ME) will get better.
Course I want 10 years C&S Right NOW..........................
Is that "Instant Gratification" or What.

If nothin else.....I hope I'm givin some of Ya's a chuckle and a good reason NOT to Romanticise the First , Tall, Cold One.
Whew............Scared Me even thinkin about it! :shock:

That's what My Fairy God Sponsor (30 yr. Lady at work) told me this morning............
IF you work your program to the BEST of your ability. IT will all come back Bigger and Better.

I'll be the Whipped, 6'2 Puppie in the front row tonight.
G






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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - Hi, my name is Gary