Hi, my name is Gary

Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:53 pm

Postby Susan68 » Wed Jun 24, 2009 4:12 pm

Yeah, this site is pretty good for exchanging in a way you can't in the meetings. My first few meetings I thought this was a strange practice to not respond to what folks are saying. But, some do, during the meeting or after.

Gary, hang in there. Totally know all about the use of alcohol as a balm for fear, anger and hurt. I never realized that was what I was doing. Crazy stuff.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

Postby GaryK » Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:42 pm

Hey Susan...........
Hows the weather down Jersey way?

Tonights topic was Fear. Scared Me.
This one woman shared about the fear of being alone. I can dig it.
House is pretty quiet.
Think I'll read a little and go to bed.

Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:53 pm

Postby Susan68 » Thu Jun 25, 2009 9:17 am

Good Morning Gary and all those reading this fine June morning.

Things in New Jersey are very wet these days. We have had an incredible amount of rain lately. As a result, there are frogs leaping around at night and tons of wild mushrooms growing. It's a challenge keeping the dog away from both!!!

Gary, I never even knew I was lonely (not really) while I was drinking. I drank every night during the year of 2008 and it was all I wanted to do. What a vicious cycle -- you drink to block out so many emotions and the drinking just perpetuates the problems.

You're on the right road. I feel like I"m on the right road. I'm at the point where I have to actually start putting together my inventory and I'm really dragging my feet. This weekend I am going to sit down and put together that list of resentments.

Who brought us here? Keep coming back.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

Postby GaryK » Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:58 am

Hey Susan, and others.
Goodmorning to y'all.

I'm hammering out the last leg of my 4th step. (Been sittin on microsoft word for months, maybe years, or at least on some pad somewhere for years)
Called my sponsor this morning and left him a message to leave a few (quite a few actually) hours open on his calender for sometime next week so I can puke up this hair ball.
F it......I'm not going to use, practice, or think about part of the steps.
Think maybe I'll DO them this time, in the order they were written.

My pattern has always been 1, 2, part of step 3, and drink.
Step 4...........I need not look, or I'm to scared to face what I might find.
From step 1 right to step 12, workin on 13...........I know that action.
I always got drunk?????????????

I got a pretty good grip on step 1.
Hell I have Admitted it a gazillion times. The BB says I got to ACCEPT it to my inner most core. Lookin in the mirror, is livin proof of how unmanageable I AM.

Step 2. Never had a problem with that one. Just never stuck around long enough to be fully restored, but then to be REstored means I WAS something at one point. I question my SANITY and IF I ever WAS to begine with. I never cleaned house to let the Grace flow in.

Step 3. Yeah i got in trouble, made a decision to let AA get me out of it, sober me up for a while till the dust settled, but the rest of the show I was gonna run.

Step 4. I resented all the rest of you because you actually deserved it anyway. IF I have any defects, they ain't that bad, and if you guys would just smartin up a little we'd all get along fine.

Step 12. I'm gonna tell ya'll how I did it, and what YOU Should do too.

Then right to "Hey Baby, buy you a coffee after the meeting".

I ALWAYS Got Drunk again. WTF?

So. Today I "Made The Decision" I'm Willing. and I keep sayin to myself. I MADE the decision.
My 4th may not be picture perfect, but I'm usin the outline my sponsor gave me. If it ain't "Right" he'll make me go do it again and I'm OK with that.
Step 5. Seein this really IS all about me. I should have no problem talkin about Me.
Some are sicker than others, and I'll be in the front row tonight too.

Posts: 336
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:54 am

Postby tim-one » Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:36 am

'k ... I'm back .... whew .... :P

How come every stinkin' time I come here, it's AAALL about ME? I'm gett'n sick of y'all talkin about me in front of my back. Don't STOP THAT! Lord

Hey, Gary. You're doing such a great job bringin' up all the right question for me. Geez ... you're making me stay sober, bud! Thanks.

You'll notice how important your story is to peops like me as indicated by the following LONG-AS-HELL mental excercise. :roll: OH NO, this ain't it. NOW I'm gonna blidgeon you with the OTHER stuff you made me think. :twisted: 8) :P

They all told me to make sobriety job one. The only important thing. Ferget about your wife, your job, your finances, your children, everything.

WHAT???? HELL ... All that stuff is why I came in! To KEEP all that! That's the stoopidest thing I EVER heard!

But, I tend to "balk" at everything right off the bat. But, knowing the thinkin' I did to get me IN, I always thoroughly consider it all. Griping is my way of convincing myself that they are right, not to convince myself that I'm right. Internalizing. Owning it.

The way I thunk it out was very helpful to me. "Submitted for your consideration." (Rod Serling - Twilight Zone)

On every flight I take, I'm always told to, "Put your own oxygen mask on before helping your children with theirs."

Perfect sense to me. If I'm passed out, I'm of no help to anyone else.

If I don't stay sober, I'm of NO value to my wife and job and WILL CONTINUE to ruin everything.

'Ight - Gotta make sobriety job one. uh .... HOW?

"Turn my life and my will over to the CARE of my HP."

Remember the quote, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours." Didn't mean much to me before now.

Well, the things I love never will be mine again. Maybe HP will let me take care of them for Him someday after He trains me for the job.

So, in my spiritual way, I swallowed my pride and my hopes and my fears and said, "Ok, Father, take my wife .... PLEASE. (Yeah, my HP has a GREAT sense of humor. That's the way we talk. And He's got a Texas accent.) ... :wink:

Anyway, "Here's my wife, Lord, take her. She's Yours. Don't let me ruin her, cuz you know I will if I get a chance. I want her to be happy. If I get to enjoy her happiness or can have anything to do with it, I'm all for that. But if You can make her happy without me ... DO THAT.

But, only if it's YOUR will, please let me know if I can help. Maybe I can just take care of her for You. That's up to you."

"Father, Here's my job. It's Yours. I can mess it up just fine all by myself. I've spent a lot of money and effort to be self-employed. My wife supported me believing in me. I'm giving it to You believing in You. Take it, Lord, and do with it whatever You want. That's what I want. If You want it to work out ... great. If You want me to do something else ... mo' bettah. I trust You. I believe that whatever You want will be MUCH better than anything I can imagine. So DO THAT! Let me know if I can help."

Now .. I KNOW that faith without works is dead. My HP, after creation, never did anything without requiring someone to do something. And it was always something that was APPARENTLY NOT of any value toward reaching the end result. Strike a rock, say a word, march around a city, hold a rod over your head .... doodah doodah. But something had to be done in faith believing that God would do what He wanted done.

"Stepping out on faith" is REAL scary until I have a little experience under my belt. Can't see faith. Can't see HP's hand under my feet. No idea where it's goin'. Just have to start walkin'.

(Note to self: Big legal issue with MY HP. He can't "legally" do anything in this world without human permission. He put us in charge and gave us free will. Don't be timid with "giving God permission" to do something. He needs it to go to work. It's HIS rule and HE won't break it. That's what prayer is. That's a whole nuther discussion I can see comin' :lol: )

Well, GEEZ ... WHAT do I do? I do whatever by faith believing that, even if I'm doing the wrong thing, HP will somehow make the outcome perfect. (How do You DO THAT? Amazing.)

Had a flash coupla days ago. I was driving around town trying to drum up some work. I had put the situation and didn't know where to go. So I sat in a parking lot praying. "GOD HELP ME! TELL me where to go, what to say. I need money in the bank. I know you'll do it, but what do I to help You help me?"

Ever get the mental impression of God rolling His eyes and rubbing His forehead? :lol:

FLASH - HHHmmmm ... ya know, If I'm sitting still in my car, I can turn the wheel all I want and it won't change direction. Need to be moving.

"'Ight, Lord, how 'bout I push the pedal so You can steer. K?"

"Wow ... good idea, kid. Gee ... where did you get THAT idea? HHmmm ..."

:lol: :lol: :lol: "Okie dokie. I'll pedal. You steer. Let's go, Lord. Follow me, I'm right behind ya."

Amazing! Had absolutely no worries. Had a great day prostituting. (selling my self-empoyed azz.) I found my sales mojo and intro schtick. Had a great time and made good contacts.

For me,

1. "Letting go and letting God" is absolutely necessary. It's NOT scary to know that I can put my most loved things in my HP's hands and He cares even more for them than I do. Just have to REEEEELLY honest-ta-gooness understand that they're NOT MINE ANY MORE!

2. If I ain't movin' HP can't steer. Letting go is the wheel, not the motivation.

3. Ferget about my idea of how I want things to work out. HP loves it when I give Him some ideas of what I want Him to do as long as I end with, "But that's just my idea. What do YOU think? THAT'S what I really want."

Prepare to be surprised and amazed.

Oh, man ... I'm feelin' all grateful again ... still. I love talkin' about how this stuff works for me. I am LIVIN' AFTER THE BUT! "My life was crap, BUT God through AA ...." I'm livin't in pages 83 & 84 ... THE PROMISES!

C'mon, y'all. The water's fine! :wink:


Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

Postby GaryK » Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:15 am

Whoa! :shock:
Tim, you and a bunch of others got what I want!
And today, I'm willing to go to any lenght to get it.
Sometimes my Willingness falters, and I get scared.
And I take my will back and think I should know what to do.

Obviously, my Best Thinkin got me here.
Lead On Big Brother.................I wanna look out the window and see the scenery.
Got no ideeeee where this bus is headed, long as it don't go back to where it was.

Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:26 am

Postby GaryK » Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:33 am

My sponsor just called....................
5th Step @ 6:30, then to a meeting to "Seal da Deal".
Must be what I'm supposed to be doin.

Posts: 336
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:54 am

Postby tim-one » Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:44 am

HAHahahahaha ... SEE? You're WORKIN' IT this time!

There's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for you to regret ... slipping, unwilling, none o'that.

"There's no such word as "whoa" in AA, Marigold". (Tom Slick, if you're old enough :P )

Just slow down. No stopping.

The point is I ain't no frign SAINT! I have my moments ... don't get used to it. :roll: :wink:

Read this as fast as you can.

must be present to win not valid in some states of mind individual results may vary void if participation discontinues full misery refund dissatisfaction guarantee

RELAX, bro. Just relax. Be serious about it, but enjoy the joy.

You sound like you're very committed. Good thing. I'd rather be committed than committed. 8)

Any lengths? perfect. I remember what lengths I would go to to drink. ANY.

Just redeem that determination.

Got no ideeeee where this bus is headed, long as it don't go back to where it was.

Yeah ya do. You're reading the book aincha? THAT'S the bus you're on. Just stay in your seat and buckle up. It's a cool ride.

Like I said .... page 83,84. That's where you're goin.

:) I vacationed in Ixtapa, Mexico one time. On a bus to a snorkling tour, the guide got on the PA and said:

"Please pay close attention to your stop. This bus continues to Guatamala. Easy to get in. Not so easy out!" :)

This bus is ok by me. Easy in. I don't WANT out. I like this seat. Just look at the beautiful scenery I was missing when the windows were painted over! :!:

You're ok, bud. Keep talkin'. Love ya. Fear not, for we are with you. :wink:

Last edited by tim-one on Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Dallas » Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:48 am

Tim1 wrote:Maybe HP will let me take care of them for Him someday after He trains me for the job.

Sounds reasonable and logical to me. :wink:

Tim1 wrote:"Stepping out on faith" is REAL scary until I have a little experience under my belt.

So is dying an alcoholic death... it's scary to normal non-alcoholics... but, for guys like us... Just part of the turf! "Look ma! Dying with no hands!" -- We're tough... We're REAL MEN... We can take it!!! :lol: :lol:

Tim1 wrote:Prepare to be surprised and amazed.

That's the key -- my friend!!

Everyday in everyway... prepare to be surprised and amazed! :wink:

Good stuff comes in ALL sized packages! Just reach out and grab one!

Every day is like Grab-bag day... You never know what you've got until you look in the bag... and once you get it out of the bag... it's nothing like it looked liked! Surprised and amazed... before it's half-way out of the bag!

Yep. We can turn that wheel all we want... but until we step on the gas or do some heavy duty Pedaling we'll spend a lot of time peddling (hopefully our own stuff, too! Peeps don't take too kindly, of peddling their stuff! I figured that one out! )...

Hey... are you seriously looking for work??? Let me know.


Posts: 336
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:54 am

Postby tim-one » Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:54 am

"Life is like a box of choc...... nevermind.

I'm looking for people who are buying homes. I'm a home inspector. But that's what I'M looking for. Need work. Baby needs a new pair o'shoes.

As far as looking for another JOB - "Somebody else" might be workin' on that. I'm game. Send me in, Coach!

CAN'T WAIT to see how all this turns out. But I will. Wait, that is. :wink:

Why? Know someone moving to the Houston area? Tell me tell me tell me.

Wait ... are you fixin' to get "USED" again? :shock:



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