Hi to all!
Great to meet all of you that I haven't talked to before, Linda, Jim, Drew and all the rest and great to hear from those I have been talking to!
My name is Cathy, and I'm an alcoholic.
Since this is the 'introductions forum' I guess I have to share a little about me, so here it goes....A year ago I was forced into this program by a short-sighted judge who simply didn't understand that AA couldn't help someone like me.
I've been in the program a year now, but I haven't been sober that long. I just got to 10 months last week.
You hear some people say that they knew that they were not alcoholic. And you hear some say they weren't sure. I already knew I was alcoholic and had known for years and years. Shoot, I'd been drinking and/or drugging for 22+ years. I had stopped the drugging years back(well, mostly), but the drinking had escalated to a point that, for the last few years, I didn't get things like hangovers....simply because I was never was sober. I had long since given up on recovery, God, other people, or help in general. I did have a "plan" and "a design for living" though...... And that "plan" or "design for living" was working on being a "functioning" alcoholic!
Let's see....that's "what it was like". Now "what happened".....
This year has sucked. A lot. But not all of the time.
I have lost as many jobs sober in the past year as I ever did drunk! I've been beaten up, lost bank accounts, had to borrow money(very hard for me to do), am still deeply in debt, have been estranged from people I considered friends, have been gossiped about, have had to avoid visiting my own family, ask virtual strangers for help, learn to "feel" again, etc. All of that and a bunch more....and I had to quit drinking, too!! And find a Higher Power(wayyyyy harder for me to do than borrow money)!!
Man, it's been a rough ten months.
I guess that takes me to "what it's like now"
I'm still sober. I have friends that I don't need to be estranged from. Heck, I can tolerate the old ones now, too. I'm still deeply in debt, but since I now have one of the best paying jobs I've had in years, every once in a while, I am able to help someone else out. I have crazy things like health insurance, car insurance, a driver's license. I'm not in jail or detox!!! I've learned to ask for help and as a result am sometimes able to give it back. And I've realized that it's kind of okay to "feel" again. And that just because I didn't remember a lot of "feeling" for the past couple of decades didn't mean I wasn't feeling....it just meant I was doing all I knew to do to quit caring about it. And as for the the gossip part, I'm trying to work on getting better at sharing than recieving!!!
Oh yeah....and I don't puke when I say(or type!) the word 'God' these days. I do crazy things like pray and meditate. And crazier still, I mean it when I do it!!!! I do silly stuff like follow direction and listen to my sponsor. A year ago, you'd have not convinced me such things were even possible, let alone possibly work.
Anyhoo....that's my story in a nutshell. (yeah, yeah.....a really big nutshell
Did I say "a little about me" at the beginning of this thing???
Anyhoo.....Thanks for letting me share.
Take Care All,