Hi. I am Travis and still a struggling alcoholic in UT

[t_triple3]

Hello,
I just stumbled upon the site. Like most here, I too am an alcoholic. I am hoping to learn from others and in turn get to a point and help others as well.

June 9, 2009, #### hit the fan, stopped drinking went to meetings for a while.... last weekend I "tested" if I could drink a beer and leave it half empty...stupid I know... well 8 beers later, I threw the rest away..and feel like I am starting all over again... not so much with the shakes...but mentally lost, and I remember a slight glimmer of hope during my time going to meetings.

[Dallas]

Hello Travis. Welcome to the site! I understand. The reason you feel like you're starting all over again is -- because you are. Been there and did that, too. That's why I understand. You made it a lot further along that I did, though. So, congrats! I only had 5 1/2 months when the insanity kicked back in -- and I, too, started with only a sip of beer. What's odd to me -- is that I didn't even realize I had the sip. The person I bought the beer for me had to tell me about it. Then, I progressed to coffee... Mexican version... with Kahlua and tequila in it... with whipped cream, nutmeg and a cherry! I bought her six of those for breakfast... but she didn't like coffee... so I drank them for her. I still considered myself as sober... because I had not taken MY first drink yet... it was HER drinks... so, naturally, the alcohol belonged to her! As far as I was concerned... I was still a sober member of AA!!

What can I say? Step 2 says I'm nuts... I finally came to understand and believe it!

If you relate to any of this -- we might conclude... that, Congratulations! You've just started taking the Steps!

I do wish you better than me. I struggled in and out of meetings, mostly drunk, for four months after my new adventures. Four months of starting over day after day after day after day after day!!! And, with all my trying and with all of AA's help -- I couldn't even get one day sober!!!!

On November 14th, 1986... at 2:47 pm... on an overcast southern California Friday afternoon... something happened, that started me on another adventure in sobriety and I've been sober ever since!!! Not meant as bragging, though. I understand the nature of my alcoholism now -- and that means, that I understand, that I could be the next sober alcoholic in AA... that has the experiment with the next first drink!!!

Thanks for coming here and sharing your experience with us... you've helped me, today!!! And, I appreciate you and I'm grateful for you. I hope you keep coming back!

Dallas

[RichC]

Hey Travis.
Been there myself.
Quit then Started then Quit and did the experiment thing too.
I have been 7 yrs sober now.
The sheer smell of alcohol (Even in my aftershave) I find repelling.
I would like to say it gets easier, but I cant. Just less as intrusive for lack of a better word.
I still get those triggers from the strangest places and things.
But I did learn that they are temporary and when I play it out in my mind what would my life be like if I did start again I did not like the movie.
I even make mistakes today too.
I allow people to eat my lunch (to coin a phrase) way too much.
But ya know what?
We are not like others are when it comes to drinking and our reaction.
Or even why we drink like we do.
For that matter we are unique in many ways.
Somehow that gives me a bit of pride and fear all at the same time.
But hold in there and ask for help when ya need it.
Forums, meetings, friends, wherever you can find it.
There is great little book out there that helps me out more than I would like to admit.
It is called Dont Sweat the Small Stuff, And it's All Small Stuff.
Even the title is so true in our lives.
Now if I could only remember that every second of my life...
The world and My world would be a better place.
Hang in there.
You wont regret it a single waking moment.

[Dallas]

Welcome to the site Rick! I appreciate you sharing.

[fat pollock]

Welcome man from another Utahan

[Ranman99]

Thanks guy's I'll bite. Almost 18th months sober. About the 8th time trying AA and the longest I've been clean and sober since the age of 13th.

And it's good. My first AA meeting was 20 years ago but I was a bit too smart for the program.

I worked the steps one time in 2007 but kept hold of the very worst items in stock and drank again and that run lasted for 16 months until someone fired my butt.

The very truth I could tell you was that once I got with the program it was not like I thought it was at any other time in the past. I had to be thoroughly whipped and scared crapless I guess but finally a smidgeon of willingness and an attempt at humility changed my life.

Don't know if it will help you but when I sponsor a dude now first thing I ask him to do is take a green highlighter and a red highlighter and read the first 103 pages of the big book and no more. He is to highlight in green anything that seems cool or resonates or feels right on in any way. Highlight in red anything he thinks is BS or he'll never do or is pure crap or nonsense.

Then we sit down and have a chat;-)

At least it amuses me

I guess bottom line is I love people that come back in and try to figure it out again and don't stay out there for years or go and die on us. We've had one casualty from our morning meeting this year. Fellow went back to US for treatment. Got a low paying recovery job in Tahoe and worked on his recovery but it was beneath him I figure. 5 days from starting another big shot job he thinks he can have a drink and died of exposure.
He also was in and out for 20 years and I visited him in the hospital last year when I was only about 6 months sober.

Today I realise it's not the number of days, weeks , months I get it's the quality of my sobriety

Ask any old-timer how many of their 12 step calls have been successful and they will tell you 100% if they stayed sober

[Dallas]

Nice to meet you, too.