Hey Craig, I hear ya. What you just wrote I could have written for years. What I initially used to do after I first saw AA and said (20 years ago) to myself I'm different or better or I can do this my way etc. was to stop for months at a time. Problem is I never could stay stopped and as the years went by every bout progressed to stages I could not have imagined.
Believe me for so many years I could walk into an AA meeting and say ### that has not happened to me and believed in my deepest regions that there is no dang way it could
Well I was wrong
One of the reasons I could not get sober for so long is that I kept getting away with it for so long. I made money I got promotions I ran around like a lunatic. I was a big shot. I was dying
I sponsor two guys now and it is one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. But guess what. It's keeping me sober. No matter how much I tell them about my experience 90% seems to be forgotten within 2 days.
Hey they sound like me
I just can't say enough about at least giving it a shot for two periods.
1) Until you can at least go through the steps once and then work them for a few months with a good sponsor. ### get an aethist sponsor if you can find one
2) Enough time to sober up physically, mentally and spiritually(whatever that concept means to you, to my it can be as simple as being honest and humble 90 odd % of the time if I like)
But the honesty will never ever let you down. Just by coming to this site and sharing honestly you are giving yourself a chance. I've seen two people die since I've come in this time.
I'm a bit of a nut case but today I'm gratefully 18 months clean and sober and know that if I want to stay that way there are certain things I have to do and I no longer get lazy about the ones that I know are key to my program. If I end up in a foreign city with the thought in my head that some how a drink would be a fine idea. Well I don't need to explain that one
A change has taken place and I know how to keep it that way but I need people that will honestly tell me when I'm talkin' crap.
I get on the phone if I wig out.
I'm off on holidays in three days. My wife and kid are still with me and I'm relaxed even with three major amends in front of me. Really looking forward to the down time and might even have a crack at an old job back,
How could that be? I got fired for getting drunk and dissapearing for two weeks.
I'm a good husband and father some 90 odd % of the time. I'm a legend in my own mind