Need help

This is for alcoholics and addicts in 12 Step Recovery. Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!
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Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:51 pm

Need help

Postby Lizz » Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:54 am

Hello my name is Liz, I am not an alcoholic but the man I love and adore's my story..
I first met him some 20 years ago, I would've only been about 20...he was quiet and reserved and I liked him straight away...he worked at my local petrol station, so I saw him pretty much everyday, as my bus stop was right out the front of his station...I always wished he would ask me out, but he never did..too shy and so was I...
Fast forward a few years, I was walking my dog, past his house, he stopped me and asked me out, but I was already involved with my future husband and told him I had a boyfriend...(why oh why hadnt he asked me when I was single?), I married my husband, had a baby got divorced (was not a happy marriage) but always always wondered what had ever happened to him...
Fast Forward again...this time 10 years I started working weekends at a bar and low and behold the man of my dreams walks in...I looked at him and knew although he had changed a bit that it was him!!!
He asked me out and at first I said no...I was scared..I had only had one relationship since my marriage had failed and he had hung himself a year before so I was a bit scared to let myself love again...well terrified is more honest way of putting it.
I let him in...after he had persisted so hard, he asked me out at least 10 times.....I let him in..only to discover that he had become an alcoholic...this scared stepdad was an alcoholic and although he and my mum had divorced when I was about 21, he was the only dad I ever knew..he died a lonely old man and was dead nearly a week before anyone found him....
My mum, I would not class as an alcoholic...but she does...she says she cant drink cos 1 is not childhood wasnt the best but wasnt the worst best friend is an incest victim so you see I know I didnt have it all that bad.
I realised after a bit that he was a full blown alcoholic....I tried to end it several times but I loved him and still do very much.
His hands shake in the morning...when I first saw this I felt like crying...he says he bleeds from his bum when he has hit it hard the night before. and now he is having chest pains.....this cant be a good thing??
I told him I didnt want to watch him die and I told him about my stepdad...I dont want that to happen to him...he admits he is an alcoholic (isnt that the first step?) but says I wont stop him drinking...I dont want to stop anyone doing what they want to do..but surely this is not fun...he seems to think it is..
there have been times when he has been honest about it, I said to him you really enjoy this? and he said no not really....
I tried to make him see what he was doing...he is alienating himself from his family, no longer do they want him at their get togethers etc...they would never make it that obvious but it is becoming more so...
My question to you all is this...
Is there anyway I can reach him without making him defensive or making him feel like I am putting him down..cos thats not what I am about..
I know enough to know I cant save anyone but oh god I really want to save this one. He is everything I ever wanted and nothing that i ever wanted if you can understand that. I am sure that if it wasnt for the drink things would be so much better..I am not saying that I am perfect far from..but oh I wish he could see what I see.
Is there anyway I can get through to him? We have separated as he is just too scarey when drunk and I dont think he realises just how dangerous he can be..but without it he is the most beautiful man in the world..
I know he loves me, he told me I am the love of his life and he is mine..he has proposed several times but I said no..its not that I dont love him, I love him so much but I just dont think we were ready for that but in all honesty if he stopped drinking or even jsut cut down I would've married him in a heartbeat.
I have read some of your stories and I can relate to alot of them...which is why I thought I would post my story...
So thats my question...Is there any way any way at all to make him see the light?
Thank you

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Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:15 pm

Hello Lizz. I sure wish that I knew the right thing to say. But, I'm not sure if I do. My heart feels for you -- and for him. And, for the many many thousands and maybe millions of others out there -- that are hurting and being hurt -- because they love a person that's a practicing alcoholic. I understand. I've been on both sides of Pain street.

Many of us, that stay sober, as recovering alcoholics spend a great deal of our time trying to help others -- like the person you love. We realize, from our own personal experience -- that not many of us make it. And, we try to do what we can to help the few that will. We never know which ones will respond to our efforts and which one's won't. That's beyond us and our power.

Is there hope? Yes. Or, else none of us would be here. Can we do something to help? Yes. But, just because we do something that can help -- doesn't mean that it will help the other guy/girl. However, it helps us stay sober by trying to help them.

I feel that the best suggestion that I could offer to you -- would be to check out Al-Anon. Al-Anon, is kind of like a Sister Fellowship, that was started by, and for, the families and loved one's -- of alcoholics. I believe that they could give you better advice for your situation than I could.

And, I feel the best thing that you can do for your loved one is: Let him know how to contact us -- if he ever decides that he really means business and wants to quit drinking for good. We can show him how we did it, and how he can do it, too.

I hope that helps.

Dallas B.

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