Welcome to the forum WoundedButterfly! I'm really glad you showed up here, and joined and are participating. You see, when you share, especially when you share when your're having a difficulty -- you not only help yourself -- but, you end up helping all of us.
So... just for today, that I know of ... because you helped, you deserve help!
WoundedButterfly wrote:If i don't overcome this belief that i dont deserve anything good in my life I cant seem to go any further.
I understand! That was my problem and also the very same problem I've found in nearly every alcoholic that I've met! You're not alone. Most people go through life not even becoming aware that they have the difficulty -- and particularly, they haven't identified the problem. So, you've got a jump on most by knowing what the problem is!
Here's my experience...
I may have liked myself when I was a little kid. Then, through a series of "adventures & experiences" -- I began to let myself down. There were times that I felt like I failed. That something was wrong with me. I didn't perform as well as the other people that I was comparing myself with. I thought I should have performed better, faster, and more than I did and often more than I could do! Initially -- it was guilt that I felt. Then, when I continued refeeling my old guilt and failures (remorse) I continued to personalize every perfection that I felt like I should be able to achieve -- and I just began to feel like a total failure.
Did you know -- that it's hard to be happy, to laugh, to have fun, and to enjoy life when you feel like a failure that is less-than everyone else, and if other's knew the real me -- even my mother wouldn't like me any more!
It sucked! I wasn't happy. I felt like others didn't like me. I'd try to out perform some more -- to get their attention and prove that "I'm really a good person!" And, it was making me feel miserable.
Did I know any of that was going on? Absolutely NOT! I just knew that I felt lonely, angry, hurt, sad, separate from, uniquely different than. I later learned that I was afraid, too -- afraid other people would find out, if they didn't already know!
So... when I discovered alcohol, it changed the way I felt. I felt better! If you felt as bad as I felt you would have drank like I drank! But, still... I didn't know that was going on!
We can only see clearly and understand -- with hindsight! We can look back and see it -- but, we don't see it when we're in it!
Drinking made me feel wonderful! All the reasons that I didn't like myself, and felt undeserving of good -- seemed to go away for a little while after a few drinks. The feeling didn't last very long... so, I continued drinking more, or changing what I was drinking -- to try and figure out "hey? where'd that good feeling go? It's got to be here somewhere! I found it in the bottle -- so it must be in the bottle! Drink some more!"
Then, I'd have too much to drink... and do really stupid stuff! And, it just continued to pile up on me deeper and higher!
I couldn't stop drinking and stay stopped because it felt miserable to be in my skin living in my world! (Perception + Emotions). When I'd try to sober up or not drink -- I would become overwhelmed with "I'm a jerk! I'm an idiot! I suck! I'm gonna kick my butt! Because I'm a no good, rotten SOB!
So... off to the bottle again I'd go! Over and over and over and over again!
Where did it end for me? I began hating myself -- "self-hatred" ... but, I couldn't see it then! I couldn't see it and understand it until I stayed sober and got into taking the 12 Steps.
For me, that's where I found the solution. By taking the Steps -- and following it up with actions and more actions.
I've met others who tell me that they didn't find the solution like I found it in the 12 Steps and I figure -- maybe they didn't do them like I did them.
I've also met many others who tell me -- that they found the same solution that I found, w, the 12 Steps, a Sponsor, and actions & more actions.
If you feel like you've reached the dead end -- that's good! That can motivate you to do some things for yourself -- that you might not do -- if you weren't feeling bad!
Perhaps you need to work more w/ your current sponsor, if you have one. Or, maybe it's time to find someone different than your current sponsor. Or, maybe you just want to try and fix it yourself, on your own w/ the tools. Which every way you choose to do it -- if it works -- then, it's the right way for you!
Keep coming back! I'd like to watch and witness you change! And, I'm here to help -- if I can!