Hi Ruby! Weclome. You are taking the right step in that you are thinking about what alcohol and drugs have done to you and are becoming AWARE that you might have a problem. You are starting to do the footwork. That's a positive.
I too was a professional. I too drank lots of alcohol to get smashed, tried to control my drinking like you have and took lots of narcotics on top of it until I "admitted that I was able to admit" I was powerless. Drugs began to control me and then I turned to alcohol to control the drug use and then go back to drugs, etc.....one endless repeating cycle it was for me....relapse is part of my story as well. But I get stronger and stronger and I no longer crave these things to anesthetize myself from the world and my problems. I had what I thought was the "normal life"....what everyone expected of me....the nice job, 2 kids, hubby, house, PTA President, Girl Scout Leader....How arrogant I was to think that I could not lose it all to alcohol and drugs!!!! Well, Ruby, I lost my job, my health, had a car repossessed, lost my health insurance, filed bankruptcy, crashed my car twice, came real close to losing my 21 year marriage, lost my house to foreclosure and could have lost my kids. In September I went into a treatment center in PA....I looked around me......"I am not like THESE people" I thought to myself. By the time I walked out those doors of the treatment center to return home and start life again, I realized I was one of them and always will be....AND I am honored and blessed to be among them.....alcoholism is the great equalizer....and I love that about the fellowship of AA. It is rich with kind, caring human beings from all walks of life. Like you "I thought I had it all under control"......the disease progressed. I no longer controlled it. It controlled me.
Now, go back and read this from one of your posts, meditate on it, pray on it, listen to your heart and I think you'll get your answer: I added italics to illustrate some of your points.
Ruby wrote:I am a very logical fact based person. How could I be alcoholic? I mean really. I am not like the people I have treated in detox. My drug addiction brought me there at one point but I control that now for the most part. But now alcohol gives me what drugs can not. I manage drugs with drinking and drinking with drugs. Its driving me nuts and leading me here I suppose. I still don't know the answer. If I was my patient I know what I would say. That's easy but I'm not.
I am humbled by this disease. I respect it because if I pick up a drink, I will die. I know this. I've balked at the prospect that I had a "little problem with drugs and alcohol" for years. DENIAL kept me there in that bottle and drugs fueled the fire.
My daughter does not have a rare condition like your boy but she does have numerous disabilities. I know how hard this can be on a parent. I was there for her, still am but back then once the lights were off and she was sound asleep and I had finished up getting ready for yet another day ahead of me, I sat down alone in my office with my bottle, my music, my computer and my bag of drugs and remained there until I passed out. I went too far away, comfortably numb places and THEN I no longer went to those places. I went to HELL. Drinking became a necessity to calm the jitters of the night before....then I had snorted some heroin (cheaper than pills), looked in the mirror and thought "What have I done". I looked old and my eyes were dead. I vowed, "No more drugs for me!"....sooooo to get myself off of drugs, I tried detoxing myself with alcohol! F_cked up idea, huh? Do you see now what my addiction did? It consumed my life, my decisions and the messed up logic that alcohol would somehow free me from drugs was proof of that. I became INCREDIBLY SELFISH. I prided myself on being such a good mother....eventually alcohol and drugs became my children.
I dragged my ass to meetings when I returned home from the treatment center. Reality faced me and I wanted to drink and drug again. I relapsed ....things worsened. I then started to really, really listen at meetings. I started to read the Big Book, highlight the parts that really touched me, started working the Steps after I found my sponsor. I found her just when I was beginning to give up on finding one. She's tough....I need that. I knew I couldn't "pull one over on her"....us alcoholics know all the tricks and the lies. I had isolated myself so much over the years.....I blew people off, denied myself great friendships because of my shame, stopped returning calls and eventually the phone stopped ringing.
I never, ever thought I would be sitting here at this moment writing this. Never. I honestly thought NOTHING would work for me. NOTHING. That my life was doomed and 5 days out of 7, I would actually pray that God would somehow put a tractor trailer in front of me or a big tree to crash into so that I could leave this miserable world. I no longer think this way....and I felt that way for years, Ruby. YEARS.
I know this is long but I want to help by sharing my own experience because it sounds similar to yours. This is a program of ACTION and the thread that runs through the fabric of the program is the spiritual principles that cover you in a warm, comforting blanket that is sooooo much better than drugs and booze. You will meet good people. You will start feeling better.....for me, it took time and I had to learn to be patient...you will find yourself thinking about others first...you will have a willingness and a desire to become honest with yourself and others and God (my HP) will recognize that and if you ask for His will and the power to carry that out.....you will start to see and experience little blessings and little miracles that will be the impetus for you to go after this like there is no tomorrow! Vigorously working this program "separates the men from the boys!"
Give it a chance. Go to 5 or 6 different meetings and LISTEN. Just listen. There is an energy in the rooms of AA full of love, spirit and miracles. Sit there. "Let it settle into your bones". Feel it.