Congratulations on Day 8 !!! I hope that today is better than yesterday and tonight will even be better!
I know what you mean about the "willingness." It's a whole lot easier to have it when we're at the bottom of that pit looking up! To maintain the willingness... that was a tough one for me for a long time.
I think that one of the things that helped me initially, was making a list of at least 50 times that I ended up drinking when I didn't want to, plan to, when it wasn't a good idea for me to take a drink (like right before appearing before a judge), and the times that I drank more than I had planned to drink, and the times that I got into trouble as a result of drinking.
When my temporary sponsor at the time suggested the list to me, he said "normally I have people list about 25 times but in your case... I want you to do 50." I ended up close to 100 times on my list (When there's competition involved... I want to be at the top or the bottom of the list! If I would have been given a middle name, it would have been "More").
Then, I made a list of all the horrible things that had happened to me as a result of my drinking... the bad things, plus the opportunities that I would never have again, as a result of the trouble that I got into while drinking.
Then, I made another list... of all the "yets"... the things that hadn't happened to me yet... but, were sure to happen, if I kept on going the way I was headed.
I also got a little creative, with visualizations. When I got sober, I had a 4 year old son and a 6 year old son. Each time that I would think of taking a drink... I would imagine seeing my sons inside the glass of booze... either swimming around drowning in it, or... frozen in the ice cubes.
I was trying to face the reality... that my drinking was not just killing me, but it was killing everything in my life that was near and dear to me. The kids in the drink stood as a strong metaphor for me. It was one thing to be destroying myself... which I felt I had a "right" to do... and it was another thing to think of destroying others... which I had "no right to do." I had already created so much havoc in their lifes... that they would be handicapped as a result of me not being able to have been a good father to them, because of my drinking. And, also the emotional and mental hang-ups that they would have to find a way to work through... over being exposed to my alcoholism.
That worked for a while to keep me willing. As they grew older, ended up living with their mother... and life was getting better (slowly) for me... I eventually had to create more emotional pain in my life to make me stay willing. That sucked! The mental and emotional depressions became so bad... that I had no choice... if I wanted to live... and not have that pain in my life... to find a source of support and direction outside myself. And, that's where my current sponsor entered the adventures of my life. With him, he's a tough old guy... just what I needed! Doesn't take any of my BS, or dishonesty with him. If I screw up and don't follow the suggestions... he reminds me that it's my life that it's screwing up and not his. However, if I go too far... he has shown me... that I'm on my own in a heartbeat! He won't waste his time with me if I'm not willing to do the deal. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Because through him, he has been able to help me develop structure and discipline in my life... and as a result of that, and other principles to living that he has helped me to acquire... my life just keeps getting better and better and better and better!
Gees! Didn't realize I was getting carried away here with this message!
I'm always here for you Rochelle. And... so are many other hundreds of people in AA, that we "both" know (and who live closer to you than to me)! We know that if you and me are willing to do the deal... they'll go to hell and back to help us do it!!!! I'm willing to do that for you, too!
Best regards to you,