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And Here's......

Postby ediebee » Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:14 am

Hello everyone, I'm ediebee and an alcoholic. I stumbled across your site as I was looking for some forms or worksheets in order to "work" the steps. I am SO glad I found you!

Essentials: 46 yo single mom w/2 boys (13 & 10). Formerly self-employed as a childcare provider, now am working as a caregiver to mostly senior adults. I've lived in Seattle since 1988, but my origins are from the Southeast. Was sober from 1990 until July 2005 when I had a relapse. Have been sober since July 15, 2005.

I'm new to the program of AA - started mid January of this year as a New Year's resolution of getting onto a path of spirituality. My priest recommended going through the steps through AA as a means to begin my trek. It's thus far been an incredible journey.

Though I go to meeting at least once a week, and have gone to several different groups, I have yet to find a sponsor. I am impatient. However, I realize finding the "right person" is also important. So, each night I put it in God's hands my situation. I am certain my sponsor will be in my life before I know it, and I shall rejoice when that day comes.

I am on Step Four and am going through it with my priest ("We found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person, such as our wife, best friend, or spiritual advisor." Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63.

I thought I would go through the 4th step effortlessly like the once upon a time school girl I once was, but the inner self saw the task ahead and froze up my zeal as readily as an ice storm. GAWD, what an undertaking!!! I'm still on resentments, and have gone through 5 worksheets already as I plow through my anger explanation. Clearly my old habit of "cramming" cannot be applied to life, however much I fantasize that such a strategy can still be used. :!:

Any suggestions, thoughts, words of wisdom are welcome as I stumble like a child through my future trek of unknown steps ahead. As Jerry, my priest has told me that this step alone will change who I am once "I go through it."

I am scared, but very hopeful of the possibilities.

Till later in life...ediebee
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:26 am
Location: Northwest, USA


Postby wareagle10 » Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:27 am

Hi Ediebee: Steps, sponsor, God, life changes, no drinking, nerves, energy, unknowns, etc. Wow, sounds familiar. On sponsorship, please don't be in too big a hurry, get close to the people at your meetings and listen to them share and see who they sponsor and watch them and then see it there is something there that you like. There is a free pamphlet called "On Sponsorship" that explains what a sponsor "IS" and "IS NOT", I would suggest that you get it and read it so that you will have an idea what you are looking for. This is not an easy task nor should it be a lot depends on getting the right sponsor, in my opinion.

The dreaded 4th step, I don't think that I have ever met a person in the program that didn't have fear about doing their 4th step. My only thoughts are that if you leave out something that is what the 10th step is for. You promptly share from the podium or from your seat or to your sponsor who, what and all that.

Anger, well you're talking to the original anger person. I had anger, actually rage, for the first several years that I was in the program, I don't know if I ever figured out why I had it or where it came from. Sometimes it still just pops up, probably mad at me for screwing up my life and those around me. I have put together a lot of years and I still have battles with anger, but not nearly as intense as they used to be. I have talked to a lot of alkies that have had the same kind of anger. In fact if you're at a meeting and they want a topic, suggest anger and watch what happens.

Anyway, I am glad that you found this site also and I hope to read more of your posts as you continue to progress through your sobriety.

Take care and straight ahead, John.
Posts: 101
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:10 am
Location: Costa Mesa, California


Postby ediebee » Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:41 am

Thanks John for your warm welcome, and I will look out for the pamphlet on sponsorship. Sounds good.

Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:26 am
Location: Northwest, USA

Postby Dallas » Fri Apr 21, 2006 2:38 pm

Hey Ediebee!!! Welcome to Step12.com!!!! Glad you found us, and glad you're here! Rather than tell you "Keep coming back!" I would suggest "Just don't leave!!! It doesn't get any better on the outside when we go back to where we were that brought us here!"

Sorry I'm late in welcoming you to the site! I'm on the road right now and was having difficulty getting online.

The Step you referred to on page 63, is Step 3... and it is best to pray that Step 3 prayer with someone... especially an understanding person. However... in Step 4.... if you don't already have a sponsor, and your priest is familiar with the 12 Steps, perhaps it would be good to have help from him... but I would be very careful who I was going to share my inventory with, when I get to the 5th Step.... or, while making my 4 th Step lists. My ex-wife would not have been so understanding to help me on my 4th Step... even though she and her attorney would probably loved to have helped me with it!!! (I mention that, in regards to the line that you quoted from the BB, which deals with Step 3 instead of Step 4, in regards to "spouse.")

The 12 Steps seem so simple... and the instructions are very clear and precise in the Big Book for taking them... however, I had trouble with my alcoholic mind and personality when I was first taking the 12 Steps and reading the Big Book... I would get it all mixed up, somehow. But, the mix up changed once I reached out and asked for help in taking the 12 Steps. Another alcoholic with experience in taking the 12 Steps was able to point out things to me that I wasn't seeing... and helped me get rid of things I was seeing... that weren't there!

Anyhoot!!! Taking care of Seniors! "Oh what an order!" I took on the job of caring for my mother... who had been told that she had six months to live... and after 13 years of taking care of her... she's still kicking! Although I no longer take care of her! She had alzheimer's and other medical problems and it sure did take an emotional toll on me. Without the AA fellowship, the 12 Steps (the program of AA), my sponsor, and a loving God... there is no way I could have done it!

And kids!!! "Oh what another order!!!" Been there, done that, and still paying for it! :lol: Now, I've switched to being a dog caregiver... it works much better for me that way... it's more like a parent-partnership with dogs! I love them.

Well, looking to hear or read more from you. I hope you get very active on the site and share your experience, strength, hope and adventures with us! If I can ever be of help, I'm only a click away!

Best regards,

Site Admin
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby ediebee » Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:18 pm

Hello Dallas,

Thanks for writing. I agree with you about the trust needed to go through the steps with, especially Step 4. Jerry, my priest is one of the most spiritually filled people I know. When I went to him regarding my anemic spiritual life, it was he who recommended AA. And I thank God daily for his recommendation.

I do not have a "significant other" in my life to go through all this with, and my ex-husband regrettably never helped me with anything beyond holding my hand while I went through labor with both of our sons. Sadly what trust was had in our relationship fell into a pile of dust after our second son went into the hospital. It was then I knew our "relationship" was at an end. Such is life.

I cannot begin to tell you how impatient in getting a sponsor I am, as I have SO much I want to talk about, ask, explore with that yet to materialize individual. Part of this, if not all of my impatience stems from my adolescent attempt to allow God to take over this, rather than me "control"/manipulate the situation. My chaotic self is certain that I could manage getting a sponsor sooner (HA!), if my rather newly budding more aware self would quit whispering, "...in God's time, not YOURS!"

You see Dallas, I am a dichotomy. People perceive a patient person - and I'm not, especially in regards to myself. I am incredibly angry with myself that after ALL these years, I've yet to "get it, achieve it, or live the uncomplicated life. If anything, as I read in another forum, the alcoholic makes the simple complex (that's me). I know "hard" well. Easy is as elusive as having $1.00 @ gallon of gas tomorrow at the gas station.

Anyhoot (I haven't used that since I lived in Texas)~ thanks again for your thoughtful words.

Till later in life - Edith (aka ediebee)
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 4:26 am
Location: Northwest, USA

Postby Dallas » Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:55 pm

EdieBee wrote: You see Dallas, I am a dichotomy

Hey Edith... You're not unique! :lol: I have yet to meet any alcoholic who was/is not a dichotomy!

Nice to have you on the site with us. The more you share, the more it seems like I know you. Imagine that! :wink:

Northwest, USA! That sure covers a lot of land! Where?

You know... once you get a sponsor... you might wish you were still looking for one! And, then again... you just might get lucky and find just what you're looking for.

I was told to find someone who was just the opposite of what I was like. And, I did! He was a lil' short fat alkie, retired postal worker, had always been stable, one wife, one marriage, and he was sober!!! He had about 17 years sobriety when he took me on... and he aged very rapidly once he got hold of me! He was only able to take me up to Step Seven, and then I was on my own. I just continued taking the Steps, and using other members for a sponsor, until I snagged my latest sponsor.

My current Sponsor has been my sponsor since 1994, and I knew him about 5 years before asking him to sponsor me. We have a few things in common in regards to the type of our work history and professional background. He has definitely been a God-send to me. We don't talk about a lot of God stuff or spirituality together... he leaves that up to me to pursue. What we do talk about is how I can develop more structure and discipline in my life, how I can be more responsible, more productive, and less likely to create situations that I have to make amends for.

Until you find who you're looking for, hopefully, you're spending a lot of time reading the Big Book... starting from the front cover and reading to the back cover. Everything we need to know is in the book. And, for me, a good sponsor will keep me in the book. The instructions for taking the 12 Steps are clearly described in the Big Book, and the neat part of the deal, is if we get it wrong... we can always go back and do it again!

My first Sponsor taught me an important lesson. He said that I needed to find a Power Greater Than Myself... and he wasn't it! He said that if I started to rely upon him too much and not rely on God, and he allowed me to do that... that we'd both end up drunk again.

I used to have this hang up about "I've got to do this... (whatever this is) just right... and perfect." Over the years, I've learned to relax and take it easy, and just keep doing it. For me, "practice these principles" means that I keep doing them in one way or another, over and over and over again. And, the more I do it... the better I get. The real trick, for me, is a progam of "Just do it!" Procrastination and Rationalization will always keep me from taking the actions that I need to be taking. Of course... you probably don't have those kinds of problems with procratination and rationalization... I seem to be pretty unique in that regard.

Take care of yourself. Smell the roses. Sniff the coffee. And, stay away from the sauce!

Site Admin
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Let 'R' Roll

Postby Rusty Zipper » Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:27 pm

hello de'r Edith... sorry i wasn't on the downstroke to welcome ya... life matters'o'tend'n to.... have have a good bunch here for ya already... that Mr John fell'a, and of course Mr BB, Dallas.... ... the 4'th, yea, was fut'z way to much with it... what work'd... just did it the most honestly i could do at the time.... stil had a bunch'o cob webs... from all the years... as time went on, more WAS revealed... and more i could reveal ... as mentioned, step-10... its a continueing process for me... i learned to just go with the flow, not try to make the flow... Smooooooooooooooooth sail'n, as long as i lkeep the faith......heavy stuff has been in my life recenty... all these steps have kept me from use'n... more inportantly... showing the newcomer, and the ones struggling... one can change, not use, move foward, and live a most graced life... what did it, " Emotional Rearangements" " Faith" and a Power Greater Than Me... " God ", for me... all good wishes Edith, and of corse, teach only love..........xxoo, PC :wink:
Rusty Zipper
Posts: 371
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:19 pm
Location: My Room in CT.

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