Hi, in the spirit of anonymity, I am one, who identifies w/the story in Freedom from Bondage, wherein the lady says that her upbringing was the perfect setup for alcoholism, but the program has taught her that she is the product of not what happened to her, but to how she reacted to what happened to her, and that I may experience a change in those reactions through the 12-steps.
Fortunately, in AA, we learn that we share in a 'general way' what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. Well, in a general way, by all rights, I should either be in a mental institution, or dead, with the path of self-destruction down which I so nonchalantly walked and stumbled. I drank in what they call snake pits, and in alleyways. I wore old clothes, and one outfit: a pair of too large coveralls w/suspenders, and 'waffle-stompers,' that were too big (my only clothes!).... However, that was not enough, because i didn't care, thought it was my lot in life, and was safe from the world of emotional turmoil through the 'simple expedience,' of anesthesizing my emotional pain through alcoholism. Even though I thought I was alcoholic, I didn't think it possible for me to do the 12-steps, because I have the habit of complicating it over and over. But, I worked on them anyway, though they appeared convoluted. I am sober just over 9 years, and am fortunate to belong to a strong group which I open one meeting a week, and stay in close contact with my sponsor. I am re-doing the steps. I am living day to day, and am beginning to know the feeling of having the power to live one day at a time. I have experienced insanity and mental dis-ease, but that is when I am obsessed with my self. I still rely ont he fellowship of AA, and still am plagued with self-doubt at times. Nevertheless, I pray, and I am praying as I stumble through the steps.
My major defect of character is that I believe I am a chronic misfit, and that if anybody tries to get too close to me (thereby incurring expectations of something I can't give), then I unwittingly push them away, either through actions, or attitudes. I lose interest in the answer.
So, that is my current babble right now. I would like to know if anybody can identify?