- Hi, it's Sharkbait

Hi, it's Sharkbait




Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!

Hi, it's Sharkbait

Postby Sharkbait » Mon Nov 20, 2006 1:46 pm

Well, I think I have a problem. No I do have a problem. It's the lack of control. Once I have a drink I can't stop. So I limit drinking to the evening when I can have a bottle of wine and go to sleep. If I started earlier I'd only end up drinking more.

Then I knew that I didn't have a problem unless I drank. I was able to go without alcohol for weeks on end but once I get the taste I'm like a shark who smelt blood... (hence my choice of username...)

(It's from the film Finding Nemo, the fishes called Nemo Sharkbait and then there is that shark who goes like to AA meetings to stop eating fish and who once smelt fish blood and went crazy... so my hubby calls me Sharkbait when he sees me not being able to stop drinking...)

This went on.

BUT recently I found out that if I stay more than 2 days without, the 2nd day is difficult I get these awful moods, and by the third day I get sweaty and a bit shaky, and end up having to buy... I'm frightened. It wasn’t like that before. Previously I could just not keep alcohol in the house and I’d be happy, but not like this! I panicked - So I decided to do something about it. Sometimes, after heavy drinking, I feel something on my right side. Not pain, I just feel a dull something. And that's even more scary. My grandpa didn't die a nice death... he died of cirrhosis.

Another thing which worries me is that I don’t get drunk. Maybe a little little tipsy at the end of the second bottle. I don't even get any headache or hangover the following morning. Bleh… I’m always the one who can drink the most and be the ‘soberest’ at the party… and I’m a girl… I won’t be saying how much it takes to get me drunk like a normal person is drunk, it’s embarrassing.

However, another thing happens to me which does not happen to normal persons when they drink – the following day I don’t remember. Like if I’m on the net while drinking, I’d forget which sites I visited and whether I posted anything or sent some email. If I’m just doing normal housework, the following morning I wouldn’t remember whether I had washed my daughter’s uniform or not, I’d panic thinking that if I don’t remember washing it then I didn’t wash it. Then I see it hanging clean in the washroom and smelling nice and realize that I must have washed it after all. VERY confusing. This is just to give an example for you to get the picture. I never did anything stupid or something I regretted later, I mean I never woke up and found out that I broke something, or repainted some room in a silly colour and all the stuff. I just do the normal things... and have no recollection of having done them the following morning. :?

I’m very new to this – I’m still reading the info on these forums which I’m finding very useful. I must do something because I can’t keep on living like this.

My husband tells me to pull myself together, behave like a 'normal' person, and be able to have a drink or two and stop, like a 'normal' person. I wish it were so easy... And from what I've been reading, it isn't possible? I wish I could be a normal person again...

Sorry if this was long but that's me in the smallest nutshell I could describe myself.

Thank you everyone!

Edit: Forgot some things -

History: I don't remember the first time I started drinking. The legal age here is 16 but during family meals we always had wine. My parents aren't alcoholics - they'd have half a glass of wine each and a bottle lasts 3 or 4 days. But I used to ask them for a tiny sip and I'd have it. Guess I was around 8 years of age then. I'm 31 now.

In my teen years I used to drink on an off. I remember I always used to be able to stop like everyone else. In my 20's I spent a month in Russia and I tasted this Baltica beer. I didn't notice but the alcohol content was 16% (normal beer is 5%) - I drank slightly more than a pint, I thought it was just beer after all, and got wasted! I remember starting loving Baltica so much that during my stay in Russia I used to drink a pint a day.

When I came back to my country there was no equivalent of that beer, so I ended up drinking some 12 beers throughout the day.

5 years ago I became pregnant - and out went cigarettes and beer (and coffee and all the bad things). I was never healthier in my whole life. After the baby and a year of breast-feeding, it was Christmas period, and we had a lot of drink in the house...... and I started again.

The calories in 12 beers made me afraid though - so I sought the equvalent alcohol with less calories - white wine. And I resumed smoking.

Well that's how it happened. I also smoke more when I drink.
Sharkbait
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm

Postby Dallas » Mon Nov 20, 2006 7:57 pm

Hello Sharkbait, Welcome to the Step12.com forums!

If your husband is right... perhaps, someday, you will be able to find a way to control and enjoy your drinking. My hat is off to you, if you find one.

I spent a lot of time on a lot of methods to be able to be a controlled drinker... and over time, they all fizzled out. Even when I first came to A.A., it was in hopes of controlling my drinking for a while. I thought that's what they did in A.A. --- I thought they helped people to learn how to control their drinking. I was shocked :shock: to discover that A.A. was not about controlled drinking!

At first, I thought that A.A.'s must all be lunatics from a different planet... they were talking about being sober -- and to them, it meant no more using alcohol at all, not in the morning, not at noon, and not during the evening! -- They were talking about not using alcohol in any form at all! Geez! What an order! How could anybody do it?

The A.A.'s were talking about being totally 100% sober all the time! Just hearing that... made me feel uneasy! I didn't believe that anyone could do it... and if they wanted to do it... they must be nuts!

So, during my first visit to A.A., I decided that I would try it for six months. You know... totally sober for six months. At least that didn't sound like a lifetime to me!

I did real well. It wasn't very had. I went to a lot of A.A. meetings, smoked a lot of cigerettes and drank barrels of coffee!

At 5 1/2 months, I decided that it was time to start getting ready to celebrate my six months of being sober. So I asked a friend if she would like to go down to Mexico for two weeks, while I did some rest and relaxation, and got a real nice sun tan, to look really health and good for when I got my six-month sobriety chip. And, she agreed to go on my little mini vacation to reward myself for being good!

On the way to Mexico, I must have had some sort of twisted mental slip, because I thought I was buying drinks for the girl who went with me, and that I was staying sober and not drinking. I had been nipping on her drinks and didn't even realize that I was doing it -- and, then... the party started! I tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, to get sober again.... and on each attempt I failed.

I thought... well, this time I'll go back to A.A. and try it again there... and I tried, and tried, I tried, and tried, I tried, and tried, I tried, and tried... and I couldn't get sober! If and when I was able to find the A.A. meeting that I was going to go to.... I would be drunk, sitting in the very back of the meeting.

Needless to say.... that convinced me that I wasn't going to be able to control my drinking. It had to be stoped and I was powerless over stopping it.

Then, I got another chance to try A.A., and this time I knew I couldn't control my drinking because I had become alcoholic. I knew that I would not be able to touch so much as a drop of alcohol... forever, it I wanted to stay sober. For me, being alcoholic, means that I'm powerless over staying away from alcohol on my own. I needed help. On my own, I'm powerless over staying sober. I need help. And, I decided that it was time for me to get help.

Now, it's been over 20 years since my last drink. So, I can say for sure... that help is available for those who want and need the help. And, the help works. No one else can do for me what I have to do for me to stay sober. No one else can live my life for me. No one else can do for me, what I need to do for me, to be happy, joyous, sober and free... at the same time. They can help... by offering me the tools that I must use to stay sober and rebuild and recreate my life. And, they can show me how they used the tools to do the same for their own lives. But, all the real grunt work is left up to me... and whether or not I want it.

Glad you're here! I hope you find what you want, and that what you want is what is best for you!

Dallas
Dallas
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Postby Sharkbait » Mon Nov 20, 2006 8:18 pm

Thanks for the warm welcome and for taking the time writing me a beautiful and informative post.

You are right and I know you are right. I've spent this whole afternoon reading the forum and I've learnt a lot. In some ways it's more an issue of my hubby not wanting to accept that I'm an alcoholic, I think. Well, he's OK with me not touching the stuff any more. He is frustrated yes - for example one thing, he loves to cook, to put wine in stews - I know that's safe because it evaporates but there's the problem of the bottle being there before it goes in the stew... well you can guess the rest...

At least he is supporting me. He went grocery shopping himself this afternoon - I wasn't sure I would manage, you know.

So far it's only him, a dear friend I know on the internet, and you guys here who know of my alcoholism. Right now I'm too embarrassed to share... I know I'm an idiot about this, not even my parents know...

Right now my first 24 hours have passed. I know it's no big deal but it's been a very long time since I went 24 hours. It's not that bad - though I feel quite restless. I've known myself for a bit now... tomorrow the feeling will be worse, but I'd then say that it's been 48 hours. And on the third day it'd even be worse for me... Then I don't know. I don't remember the time when I was sober for more than 3 days... :cry:

Hmmm now I really want to get my hands on the Big Book I've been reading about here! :)
Sharkbait
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm

Help is on the way

Postby Dallas » Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:39 pm

I just sent you a PM (Private Message) to help you get a copy of the Big Book, and to find an A.A. Fellowship in your area. Just in case you wanted it. :wink:

Dallas
Dallas
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby Sharkbait » Tue Nov 21, 2006 2:32 pm

THANK YOU!!! :D I really appreciate that!

I don't know if I'm ready to join the local AA. I wish to... but my country's sooo small it can't really be called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS... you know.

I'll continue like this for a bit, trying to practice the 12 Steps, reading the BB... I'll see where I get on from there. :)
Sharkbait
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm

welcome, Sharkbait

Postby musicmode » Thu Nov 23, 2006 6:25 am

My name is Anne 8) , I'm an alcoholic

Welcome, welcome :lol: . You've already come a long way baby...sometimes it's one minute at a time, but do you know what you've proven to yourself already? Is that you can do it for 24 hours, one hour at a time--one minute at a time. Might I suggest you visit your Dr.? I had to...I came into AA right off the street basically..didn't do treatment or hospital, but that don't mean I shouldn't have...my heart was thumpin' to the rhythm of the Indi 500...I went to the Dr., this was day 2 since my last drink. There was no doubt in my mind that I was alcoholic...once I started, I wanted more and more--and more (sounds like a Dr. Seuss book, don't it?) I relate a great deal to you...a great deal. Childhood drinking...drink the guys & anyone who dared to challenge me under the table..I was 33 when I reached the end of my rope...literally given up the ghost. The Dr., hooked me up to a heart machine...which wasn't really necessary--meaning--they didn't need a machine to detect that my ticker was goin' waa-aaay too fast. I don't even know if I'd "calmed down" to having the shakes yet...I was rocket fuel...just about literally. I, too...my husband...couldn't "get it"...figured I should still be able to drink...just one or two...didn't need AA & all that jazz. Pretty-near convinced me a time or two, too. Thank God I woke up from that night-mare. That day, though...Doc wanted to hospitalize me...I didn't want to do that at least to my daughters, then 6 & 2...I remembered what it felt like when my own father would be hospitalized cuz that's the only way he could stop...this was where I wanted to turn things around. I wanted to...but I couldn't do it alone...I needed help. Doc gave me meds that she would've had me on in the hospital anyway, they were to help ease the withdrawals symptoms--I'd still have them...but--not as drastically so...what she gave me was wellbutrin..don't know if you can get that where you are. She strongly cautioned me that they are addictive...she gave me enough to last a week, then I was to return to see her. By this time...I was now calmed down to the "controllable shakes" :oops: . She gave me another prescription for one more week. After then, I no longer needed them. I don't know if you read my share yet on one of the other forums...in case not, I'll tell you here. Your body is also going thru sugar withdrawal. Gingerale, chocolate, fruit, nuts. Just be careful w/ the chocolate, especially this time of year (holiday season)...those chocolates w/ liquers inside them...ix-nay, if ya get my drift. I'm gonna tell ya what sewed up the seams for me, tho...& that was AA.

The first time I called them, I got put on hold--it was an answering service...this was day 1 for me. Day 4...I called again & I didn't care if I'd be on hold for a week..I'd wait until I got somebody. The person spoke w/ me for a lonnng time...&...in his voice...I heard something that made me feel relief. He offered to pick me up for the meeting that night...I was able to drive there/get myself there...but I wasn't sure about walking in. He'd meet me outside, gave me a description of what he looked like--I didn't have to walk in alone. Once inside--I'm tellin' ya kid...as messed up as I was...deep down...I felt a sense of 'home'...like I'd come home to roost or something. We've all made that first step across that threshold...it's intimidating as all get-up, but once ya cross it...ya wonder what the heck you was so 'fraid of. :wink: As for the anonymous part...got a story for that one, too...it isn't mine, though...

Ya'll's heard of the Rolling Stones, right? Okay...unless you're not into that, ya know who they are. Okay...Keith Richards has openly told this story. It'd finally come down to the crunch for him. There he is, in court. Judge says he'd let Keith go, but he had to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. Alright, Keith says...what's Alcoholics Anonymous? The Judge tells him what AA is, says that he'll have to get someone in AA to sign this little piece of paper to prove that he went. Keith laughs (remember now, this is in court). Judge asked, what's so funny. Keith says, so, I go to this Alcoholics Anonymous, where I'm not gonna be anonymous, the guy who signs his name has to sign his whole name...so now he's not anonymous...why do they call it alcoholics anonymous? Judge looks him square in the eye and says, Mr. Richards, it's either that or jail. "Alcoholics Anonymous it is, then."

Just try it...you'll be amazed at the results...that I can promise ya.

Easy Does It
Anne 8)
musicmode
 
Posts: 178
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:11 am
Location: alberta

just me again

Postby musicmode » Thu Nov 23, 2006 6:28 am

Now there's a real test of patience...it wasn't all underlined before I submitted it :evil: ...there it is...ALL underlined right before your very eyes :twisted: .

Aaph...what the heck,

Adios amigos,

Anne
musicmode
 
Posts: 178
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:11 am
Location: alberta

Postby Sharkbait » Thu Nov 23, 2006 9:30 pm

Thank you for your story Anne, and for making me smile with the Keith Richards story! :lol:
Sharkbait
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 10:00 pm


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