Hi I'm desperate

[Thelma]

I've been to AA numerous times but the penny just won't drop for me (yet). I know I haven't worked the steps properly and was probably the cause of my failure. Pray for me dear fellow alkys that I will have a spiritual awakening.

[Dallas]

Hello Thelma, welcome to the site and to the forums. I hope that here, you will find the help that you need and want. And, if not... I hope that we can help you find the help that you need.

I understand feelings of hopelessness and desparation. That's how I got here. I went to many A.A. meetings - drunk.... wanting to get sober and it wasn't working for me, either. Finally, in desparation - I had to try something different.

My prayers for me didn’t seem to help very much so I am a little leery of praying for you. What if I pray for you and the gift of pain and desperation in your life become worse... as it did for me? I guess I could say that I’m one of the lucky one’s. The more I prayed the worse it got. When I’m relying on prayer to get the job done... it gets worse. Once I stopped asking God to do what I was supposed to be doing there was hope. Once I started doing what I was supposed to do... there was sobriety and recovery.

Do I believe that God got some people sober and keeps them sober? Sure. I’ve had many people tell me that this is how it works for them. However, it sure hasn’t worked that way for me. I believe that God gave me tools to use... and that if I want something... I’m to use the tools to get it. He isn’t going to use the tools for me. It could have been suggested to me, that “If your prayer elevator to God is broken... try the Steps.â€

[anniemac]

Welcome, Thelma ~ glad to see that you are reaching out for help.

I don't think I can say anything more than what Dallas said, except to say that even when I thought I was willing, I wasn't always that willing. It's an inside job, there are no magical answers or quick tips and shortcuts. I have to want to be sober, more than I want to drink.

Keep on posting and hope you're getting to meetings.

Anne

[Marley]

Hi Thelma,

As alcoholic's we seem to want everything all at once. At least that is true of this alky.

Keeping this in mind it kind of gives the term one day at a time an extra meaning. Every day you stay sober is a victory. Don't be in a hurry sobriety is a 24 hour commitment.

One old timer told me that the person with the most seniority in AA is the person who got up the earliest that morning.

May God bless You-One Day at a Time

Marley

[musicmode]

All I gots to says to that is: ditto.

I was gonna get this program right the first time...those stories in the BB, about Jim, and Fred...nah...I wasn't gonna pick up a drink or anything else ever again. Boy! Did I prove the BB right. I was gonna be this gold-medalist of AA . While I was at it, I was gonna quit smokin' tobacco, too--take it all on at the same time. The boys in my first group says to me: uh, uh, uh. Has the logo 'Easy Does It' slipped past ya? They said that I had to slow down...one thing at a time. They weren't gonna tell me to not quit smokin', but if it came down to pickin' up a drink or cigarette...I'd best make sure a cigarette is handier than a drink. Yes sir, boys&girls...I was runnin' a 100 miles an hour into a brick wall w/a stupid grin on my face. Would I have this thing called AA? No contest. Even went so far as to receive a first year cake...a month later? I was poundin' my fist on the kitchen table, wonderin' what happened? That was okay, though...picked up the boot-straps & kept goin' back to those meetin's. Family moves to another town...no problem...there's AA there, too...my first meetin' there was the first one I could get to in that town-meanin'--I had to wait for meeting night to come. I was sure I had all my ducks in a row, man. I was stylin' cool . Ya right...more like a stylin' fool. In this town 5 months...w/ that pasted on face that everything's fine--smooth as silk. I was a nut-case in denial, even in sobriety. True...I was cornered into having that drink...literally...but I didn't have that defense that I now know I need to have against it, which comes from God as I understand Him, that even with someone holdin' a gun to my head sayin', drink it or I'll shoot you. The defense against pickin' up has to be there enough to say, you might as well shoot me, cuz if I drink that, I'm gonna die anyway. Shootin me will only save me the agony. Did I get it all together, yet? Sure! ###...uh...####. I didn't drink after that...but my mind got to goin' where...I wasn't drinkin'...BUT...another mind altering substance squeaked it's way into the picture. I've been around this program since Nov. 2000...yet, I've had to reset my sobriety date to Dec. 20, 2005. Those guys in the beginnin' was right...slow down. Take It Easy/Easy Does It. I was determined, though...I kept comin' back, & lookin' back on it now...against a lotta odds that I was bringin' onto myself. My part. Today...handin' over my will & my life means somethin' a whole lot different than it did back in 2000. I'm grateful, though...cuz I see, that in fact, I had/was handin' it over...cuz by hook 'r by crook, here I'd be & here I am--still headin' out to these meetin's, doin' the steps and workin' at it. Being clean & sober is a breeze, man---staying sober, now that takes a lotta work, and a lotta action.

Catch ya'll on the flip side,
Anne M.