- Hi I'm Molly, I'm an alcoholic;

Hi I'm Molly, I'm an alcoholic;




Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!

Hi I'm Molly, I'm an alcoholic;

Postby Molly M. » Sun Mar 04, 2007 6:34 pm

Hi There;

I have 9 yrs sobriety last Oct. and have reached a place where I am struggling not so much not to drink, but rather not to be miserable. Sigh! I am living way in the boondocks and it's quite a long distance (~2 hours) to get to a meeting. I've been without a sponsor for a while and I'm feeling that. The job I started this year involves working about 70-80 hours a week.

To take care of myself I've instituted the following changes: I am making plans to either not renew or to renew my contract for next year only on a half-time basis so that I can go back to taking care of myself. My current contract will end in about 3 months.

I've downloaded a copy of the big book on to my laptop and and I am reading it every day--concentrating on how it works. I've done the steps twice in my sobriety, but I suspect I should do them again at this point and I've started on another current day fourth step, but I really need a sponsor.

I've been looking for an AA forum that puts sobriey first and have had some interesting exeriences; so I kept looking until I found this one.

The thing that currently concerns me is that the awful black hole is looming pretty large inside of me. My fourth step showed that everything I am doing is revolving around self-esteem issues and I really need to get back to a place where I am right sized and comfortable in my own skin. It seems like everything I do is on some level with the hope that I will impress the people around me and I am getting really tired of the strain.

So just for today...
Molly M.
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:20 pm

Postby Dallas » Sun Mar 04, 2007 8:26 pm

Hello Molly! Welcome to Step12.com, and congratulations on your nine years of sobriety!!! Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, your strength and your hope with us here. I'm looking forward to reading more of your sharing!

Dallas
Dallas
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby anniemac » Mon Mar 05, 2007 6:49 pm

Hi Molly,

Welcome, great to have you here! Yes, in my experience this site puts recovery first and it's a friendly place.

That meeting that you go to that's 2 hours away -- do any of the other members live closer to you than to that meeting? I'm wondering if it would be worth your while to start a new meeting in your area, as I'm sure there are others who have a hard time commuting two hours each way as well. There are a couple of groups I know of that only have 3 or 4 attendees, but they are staying sober and are glad to have each other.

I fall in to periods of misery where drinking is not a thought but where my negativity is even too much for ME to bear. Meditation helps me a lot with that. I'm learning that the more I feel connected to HP and the universe, the less I feel miserable.

Love your name, by the way. It was my mom's nickname, and was on my list of names to name our daughter....husband had a totally different list of names he wanted....we finally agreed on "Amanda". Of course now she wishes we had picked any name other than Amanda, I guess that goes along with being 15. :shock:
anniemac
 
Posts: 409
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm
Location: Long Island, NY

Postby Molly M. » Tue Mar 06, 2007 10:59 pm

Thanks for the nice welcome. There really doesn't seem to be any folks up my way who want to form a smaller meeting. Too bad I thought it was a nice suggestion. But the other truth is that as soon as my contract runs up in about 3 months, I'll be able to travel more easily. I wouldn't want to start a meeting that I would stop going to in favor of my regular meeting.

Over the past year, I've been working harder on my meditation and it definitely has made a big difference in helping me survive a very difficult work situation. However, I think the thing that has been helping me the most lately is really trying to let go of my expectations around other people's behavior and just concentrating on keeping myself in a good place.

My theory is that most people will do X and Y and if somebody does Z great and if not great. But an alcoholic will do X Y and then Z and then X and Y again and then be angry that the other people didn't do Z in the first place. That pretty much sums up me at work this year so I'm working on just doing X and Y and letting Z take care of itself.

I have a very big decision to make shortly about whether or not to renew my contract. I keep thinking that I'm not going to renew it and take next year off, but my families health insurance comes through my contract and it will be very expensive to purchase it separately. I'm very torn about what to do, so I'm working hard at turning this over to God, but any advice on letting go and letting God would be very much appreciated.

Thanks much,

Molly M.
Molly M.
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:20 pm

Postby Dallas » Wed Mar 07, 2007 1:30 am

Hello Molly,

Nice to see you again! And, to read from you! :wink:

Tough decisions, eh? I understand. Life seems to be full of them. Sometimes they can be downright fun -- and sometimes a bit edgy!

In regards to any advice on letting go and letting God ... I'm probably the least qualified to offer any -- in that regard. It's something that I hear often from many people... and I've heard it for many years... and I don't understand it any better today than the first time that I heard it.

For me... if I use this illustration... (in regards to letting go and letting God)... say, I'm walking along and I'm carrying an empty bucket... and I let go and let God... I don't see how it's going to do anything other than fall to the floor.... no matter how much I trust, or pray or believe, or whatever. And, if I'm walking along with a big plate of food... and it's too heavy for me... and I decide to let go and let God... it's difficult for me to imagine anything happening other than the plate of food will end up on the floor.

I guess the way I understand it... for me... is that God gave me a brain and tools to use. So far as I'm aware of... He hasn't done my thinking for me, and He expects me to use the tools (which is why He gave them to me). And, I grow and learn through the experience of using the tools. When I was a kid... and I would use a hammer... often I would hit the wrong nail! Ouch!!! But, I kept on hammering, and learned how to better hold the hammer! I guess I could have always let go of the hammer... and let God hammer. And, if He did... I would be no better off today, in regards to hammers... than I was when I was a kid.

I do understand two concepts of "letting go." (But, they seem to be different than the one's that I usually hear about).

They are: A surrender that a problem is bigger than me and a reaching out to ask for God to help me know and understand what "my next action" should be. And, a "letting go" of my old ideas. When I wake up each morning... yesterdays ideas are my old ideas... so, I try to always be willing to let go of them so that I can receive a new one.

What I've often found to be going on for me... is that I have some stuff brewing under the surface of my awareness (below my conscious understanding) ... and it's that stuff that's making it difficult for me to make a particular decision. The stuff that's down there, deep inside me... that's brewing... and sometimes bubbling or steaming... (the stuff that I'm unaware of)... is trying to come to the surface of my conscious awareness... so that I can do something about it. And, it causes pressure... on my daily decision making tasks.... which often leaves me feeling confused... and feeling insecure or sometimes afraid... and I don't know what it is that I'm insecure about or fearing.

Anyhoot... I've discovered that if I'll use some tools to "uncover" that stuff thats brewing (that I'm not aware about)... the release of that pressure provides such a relief to me... that my other problems (that I was aware about) seem to almost magically produce their own great solutions.

Hopefully, someone else here will be able to offer some sound advice about letting go and letting God... and it can help you, and I can learn something new today!

Hurry back Molly! I like hearing from you!

Dallas
Dallas
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby Vickie V » Wed Mar 07, 2007 1:32 pm

Greetings Molly,
I am getting off to work this morning, But I would like to share with you briefly what I went through when I moved about three years ago.
Like you currently ,I am in a rural area with minimal meetings. I came from the big city of "milwaukee ,with meetings everyday at my disposal and now things had changed.What I found out since I moved is that I had to shift my thinking and start praying to do so. I wanted my meetings ,my recovery like it was and didn't realize it until after a while of prayer & self reflection that I was not being openminded to my new life and the direction God was driving me in. I kept trying to "run the show".
Once I accepted that I was right where I needed to be I started living in the "present"not in the past. YES THE OLD ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I also had to once again look at myself and remind myself of the action required in this program no matter if I am 1 day sober or 13 years sober I still need to take action if I was not feeling the way I wanted to feel. I choose to start a meeting and there are three of us in a meeting about 14 miles form my home. I started, by calling the AODA counselors in the area and the nearest hospital and at this time ,we are going to start talking to the ministers of the church's and get in some of the surrounding areas church bulletins. My process usually is: What step am I applying to my life? Never fails when I am really in a rut. It is step 3,10 and 11. Gods will my friend not ours. I will look forward to hearing your journey.
Lots of Love Vickie v.
Vickie V
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:16 am
Location: Crandon,WI

Postby Molly M. » Thu Mar 08, 2007 2:23 am

Hi Vicki, thank you for sharing your experience--I will certainly bear it in mind.

Dallas--your comments about letting go and letting God--were right on target for me. I think that my tendency is to just hope and pray that God will take all responsibility and choice from me--oh the lengths I will go to, to keep from growing up :oops:

In sobriety I have gotten married, adopted a stepson, moved to a new place, went back to school and started a new career. I have managed all of these decisions by trying to apply the principles of AA as outlined in the Big Book. They were all big decisions, but somehow I rarely had anxiety or stress around them. For some reason, I really feel that for the first time in sobriety, I don't know how to make this decision, there are just too many variables and responsibilities involved. I am trying to "listen" hoping for guidance, but so far none has come. The temptation right now is to just make a snap decision and jump whatever the consequences, but I believe that part of sobriety is to make conscious choices and then face the consequences. I like what you said about trying to uncover the underlying pressures--I'm just not sure where to start. :? Some days I hate growing :roll:
Molly M.
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:20 pm

yep

Postby Vickie V » Thu Mar 08, 2007 3:15 am

Some days I hate growing up too :lol:
vickie
Vickie V
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:16 am
Location: Crandon,WI

Postby Dallas » Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:18 am

Well, .... when I grow up... I want to be a ... hmmm? Haven't decided yet! :lol:

I doubt if I should admit this.... but... sometimes, when trying to make a difficult decision... I really will ask myself a question like "What would a mature adult do in this situation?" :oops: (I would rather hear that question coming from myself... instead of from my sponsor!) :wink: So, sometimes... I'll ask myself the question and try to come up with at least three different answers... and then, if it's a real important decision... I'll run it by my sponsor to see what he has to say about it.

Now, I am SURE that NO ONE else has the same shortcomings as I do! (Unique and different... you know?) :wink: One of the answers that I often get back when I ask myself the question above is... "they would probably really think it through before making a quick decision or taking a hasty action. And, sometimes... they might even consider asking a professional... or someone else for some advice about it." However, most often, my answers will come (the good answers) after I just simply asked myself that question.

Perhaps, when I ask myself the question like I do, it's kind of like admitting that I don't know everything about everything. I don't know if it really is anything like humbleness or humility or not... (it often feels like it would be)... but, maybe, when I approach it from that angle, a certain part of me is shifting aside, and a higher part of myself, or a Higher Power, or whatever it is ... seems to assist me with the ideas, or decisions, or helps me see some areas that might be affected by my decision, that I hadn't previously considered.

When it comes to checking out if some below-the-surface stuff is brewing within me, I'll either spend more time than I normally spend in going through the detailed instructions on page 84-88 of the BB. Or, I might use Clancy's Seven Questions... and spend a little time with those, and take some quiet time writing down my answers to those questions and checking to see if I uncover anything.

Regardless of which way I do it... after I've finished my part in answering the questions... I'll always involve another human being. I believe there are some things about me... that only I will know, and the other person will not know... unless I reveal it to them. However... I also believe that the other person will see things about me... that I can't see... and I won't know those things about myself... unless I get the feedback of information from the other person. Maybe that's why our 5th Step is so powerful in doing all the good that it does for us. It doesn't have to be only character defects that I'm discussing with another peron, it can be anything at all, and they will see things about it, and about me, that I'll never be able to see alone.

Dallas
Dallas
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby Molly M. » Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:12 pm

Hey Dallas--"What would a mature adult do?" Hmmmm. The question I hate to answer, but when I asked it I realized the following:

a) a mature adult would renew their contract and suck it up. It's a tough job, but not renewing it is like acting like a child. It would mean that my husband would take on the sole role of provider next year.

b) my chief struggle is that I don't like how hard the job is. I think what was happening is that I knew that I should stay in the job, but it is so hard so I didn't want to. But then the sober and slowly developing part of me didn't feel comfortable taking the year off. I really don't like being in difficult situations. :roll: And I really want to take the "easier softer way". So just for today...I'll read how it works, go to work, call 3 people, do step 10 and work on being grateful for my job. :shock:
Molly M.
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:20 pm

Next

Return to Alcoholics and addicts in Recovery

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Yahoo [Bot] and 2 guests









.








12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - Hi I'm Molly, I'm an alcoholic;