- Hi I'm Molly, I'm an alcoholic;

Hi I'm Molly, I'm an alcoholic;




Introduce yourself or read introductions from others!

Postby Dallas » Thu Mar 08, 2007 3:27 pm

Good morning Molly!

As I was re-reading the messages that I posted here I had this great fear rip through me about "Gees. I hope that Molly didn't think I was suggesting that it would be a good idea for her to ask herself the question that I always ask myself!" I was just trying to imagine myself as having a tough decision like yours... and what I might have to do if I were faced with my own tough decision like yours.

From reading your messages I can see that you've done a really great job of making a lot of great and successful accomplishments in your life which I'm sure are the results of making some very sound and mature and responsible decisions. I admire what you've been able to accomplish! And, I thank you for the opportunity for me to learn something about me -- through you sharing your experience, strength and hope with your situation.

When I do my own "what would a mature adult do" routine... often, I've noticed that my first time around the question... will produce a "should do" rather than a "would do". I get those two concepts mixed up and that's probably one of the reasons that I have to use this routine on myself so often.

Most often, my "should do" answers are coming from old perceptions that were developed around a lot of my errors in thinking. I discovered that I had a bunch of perceptions about "Roles"... and, that most often in life, I was spending a whole bunch of time trying to figure out what "Role" I was supposed to be playing... as if life were a big stage, and the spotlight was on me, and I was supposed to perform perfectly in a Role that I had no training and no business playing! :shock: And, my Role concepts... might work great in a half-hour Hollywood movie... but, my perceptions were unrealistic about living life in the reality zone.

My "absolute ideas" that I still work on letting go: My "should do" perceptions have always been a big problem for me. My "should do" is often based on my unrealistic expectations -- of myself -- or others. And, my "absolute ideas".... those are from my old days of thinking "there is only one right answer - there is only one right way - and I've got to be right." :oops:

Yesterday, I got a fortune cookie, and the fortune read: "It is better to be wise than it is to be right." :wink: It reminded me of a saying around A.A. that has helped me a lot... "Would you rather be happy... or right?"

So, for me... "What would a mature adult do in my life today?" 1. Stay sober. 2. Don't get too serious about myself. God's world and all the creatures in it will do just fine with or without me. 3. Try to do a little bit better today than I did yesterday. 4. Keep an open mind. 5. Choose to be happy... and try to be wise about it! :wink:

Have a wonderful day!!!!

Dallas
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Postby anniemac » Thu Mar 08, 2007 5:18 pm

Great posts here! To me, Let Go and Let God is tied in with meditation. And it also ties in a bit with what Dallas was saying about things under the surfaces. When I am able to meditate, some of the chatter in my brain slows down, some even takes a short break. That leaves room for my gut feelings, my intuition, to rise up and be heard. And, what is my intuition? My belief is, it's the God within. My HP is not an external power...or, shall I say, not exclusively an external power. It is external, internal, within everything, all connected. When I am still and I can "connect", I can gain clarity. THAT, to me, is letting go and letting God.

As for decision-making -- someone shared with me a technique that they were taught. I haven't used it, but another friend has and she said it was very helpful. Basically, in your head, begin to act as if you had made Decision #1. Go through your day as if that were real - that, say, you had decided to not renew your contract. During the day, as you believe this decision to have been made in such a way, things will rise up - feelings about that decision, thoughts you may not have considered before, etc. I think it's suggested to do this for a few days if possible. Then, go through the same thing again, assuming you had made Decision #2, in your case to renew your contract, and see how "living" that feels for you. By the end of a week, you very possibly will have more insight with which to decide.

And now I'll be rigorously honest and tell you why I have not implemented that technique....because on some level, I much prefer to spin my wheels and feel chaotic. So I think it's obvious that I'm not always all that crazy about growing up, either! :oops:

Vickie, I think that's so awesome that you have started a small group, and are finding ways to get the word out. It takes dedication to start up a meeting and to be there even if no one else shows up. Hope it takes off for you.
anniemac
 
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Location: Long Island, NY

Postby Molly M. » Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:32 pm

Hi Guys;

You guys are really good. Dallas don't worry--you didn't steer me wrong. I'm sure that to some extent I've been struggling with the should would as well, but for now at least, I'm feeling at peace with my decision. So now I'll explain:

I'm a high school teacher in one of the two poorest counties in one of the poorest states in the country. This was my first year teaching at this school. The poverty here is astounding. Many of my kids are homeless (not the families, just the kids), the mental illness, drug abuse, pregnancy and violence are mind boggling. There is a huge population of biker gangs and crystal meth. shops in this area and kids deal in class, in the hallways, show up with their eyes looking like headlights on a regular basis. Anything that isn't pinned down is stolen. Anyway, I can go on--it's pretty grim and a great environment to test my sobriety on many different levels. In short, I've been a little stressed this year. So what I've come to is that this year is hard. I don't like situations that are hard. Next year is probably going to be hard as well. My husband would accept my taking next year off, however, that will impose a fairly significant financial burden on our family. There are no other schools around in a reasonable distance and there is no employment in this county--hence it being so poor.

When I took my inventory around the issues that I was having with my job, it appeared that the main problems were my self-esteem and pride which are challenged on a daily basis. I was a living example of the scenario in "how it works". I wanted to hear what a great job I was doing , and when I didn't hear it enough I became even more of the "super-teacher" and even more unhappy and resentful. It's really amazing how the BB describes my tendencies so precisely. So full of resentment and misery, I decided that the job was unmanageable (not me of course) and that I was justified in taking next year off. The job is extremely hard, but
if I can humble myself and let go of my fear around my self-esteem and pride I suspect that it will be a great deal easier. At any rate, I feel that as an actively sober person, I need to apply the principles of AA before I give up on a situation and choose an easier softer way. So unless the school burns down (which is a strong possibility) I'll be back next year. If I can honestly say that I've applied the principles of AA to the best of my ability and the situation is still unmanageable for me--then I after next year, I will look at not renewing my contract.

I feel at peace about this decision (at least for today) and I am extremely grateful that you guys were around to help guide me to it. Alcoholic really do Rock :P
Molly M.
 
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Postby Dallas » Fri Mar 09, 2007 12:51 am

First off -- Anne, your wisdom and words and maturity, and the way that you pull it off so well in integrating it into your common-sense sharing continue to amaze me! I think it would be totally awesome to be able to go to real live meetings and sit there and listen to you share!!! Thank you!

Second -- Molly, wow!!! I can sure learn a few things from you, too!!! You sure have a ton of reasons to feel very good about yourself! I was wondering what type of work that you do... but, I felt like I would be stepping over some invisible line of appropriateness -- in asking about it.

Gees! You really are living those AA principles in the real world! What an awesome thing it is that you are doing. If your work has an impact on just one of those kids -- it would be no less of a couragious act, than a fireman who rushes in to a burning building to pull one child from the fire! And, I feel sure that you will make an impact on many more than one! Thank you for being here and sharing yourself and your experience with us. And, congratulations on your decision.

Third -- Vickie!!! Now that Molly has made a decision, we can all gang up on you!!!! :lol: :lol: Just kidding!!!

I haven't mentioned it yet -- about what I think about what you're doing
(as if it were important what I think about something? ) A huge round of Wows go out to you, for all that you are doing and for all that you've done, also!!! I do know how difficult it can be in starting meetings -- but, I wouldn't have a clue how difficult it would be in adopting children, and to live as a good example of sobriety in raising them, too!

I'll say this, to all of you ... I sure hope that your husbands recognize what a bonus catch they got!!!! Very lucky guys, indeed!!!

Dallas
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Postby anniemac » Fri Mar 09, 2007 10:21 pm

Dallas ~ if you ever find yourself up on Long Island, you be sure to let me know!

Molly ~ wow. You are doing one of the things that I admire most in this world. For real. I had such admiration for teachers in general, and especially those who teach in difficult situations. A guy in my home group teaches at an inner city school and he and a few other teachers get together each morning and pray that no one will get shot that day. Blows my mind that there are folks like you who are so selfless.

I'll tell you the truth ~~ I went back to college two years ago because I didn't last look during my first go-round after high school. I went back because I wanted to be a teacher. Then I spoke with the head of the education dept., and he told me that teaching jobs are next to impossible to get around here - unless I want to go to the inner city. I changed my major because I couldn't commit to that. And I could cry when I think of those who do it on a daily basis, because I wish I had it in me.

I still have thoughts that when I get my degree (Community & Human Services), I will take the extra classes to also be eligible to teach, so I haven't totally written it off. Maybe there's hope for me yet!

I'm glad that you are at peace with your current decision.
anniemac
 
Posts: 409
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Location: Long Island, NY

Postby Molly M. » Fri Mar 09, 2007 11:13 pm

Hey Anniemac;

Good for you for going back to school!! You are a teacher--I've read your posts.

It's kind of weird for me to hear of a lack of teaching positions, because we always have them. Teachers walk off the job here all the time :roll: I've come pretty close :oops: I've walked out, but then I took a day off and came back.

I like your idea of taking the extra classes for eligibility--you never know where life might land you--and I really believe that recovering alcoholics who are working a program are good for the job--at least we have some tools to deal with insanity on a daily basis (I'm serious).

Regardless, I'm personally very grateful for your teaching skills :D
Molly M.
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2007 2:20 pm

Postby anniemac » Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:34 pm

You're very kind, Molly. I just pass on what I hear from others. That's why, that even though the Program of AA is found within the BB and the Steps, meetings are invaluable to me.
anniemac
 
Posts: 409
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2006 3:42 pm
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