It's nice to hear from you again. Like Molly said, "Hang in there!"
The most difficult thing that I've ever faced in sobriety... was sobering up. I've walked through some difficult problems in sobriety, but none of them compared to the problems I had being newly sober. So, I know, and I relate, and I understand how tough this time probably is for you, also. It will get better if you don't drink. It will hurt like hell for a while, but it will get better. And, then, after you've gone through the pain and desperation of being newly sober... I can guarantee you, that you will never have to experience that again... as long as you don't take the next drink.
When I was newly sober, I remember hearing members of AA tell me things like "My problems start with the first drink" and "It's the first drink that gets me drunk." I thought.... "Well, maybe I'm in the wrong place then... because my problems don't start until I've had six or seven drinks." It took me a while to figure out what they were saying to me.
Then, one day, it was like a light bulb came on in my head... and I realized that "Wow! Now, I see how they were right! If I didn't have the first drink... I wouldn't have to worry about the problems that come with six or seven drinks!"
I heard a story once... not sure if it's true or not because I wasn't there. But, somehow... it feels like I was there... and it feels like it was my story... because it sounds so true for me. The story is:
This guy had been going to A.A. meetings... and he was told that it was the first drink that gets him drunk. He was feeling real bad one day... so he walked into the bar, and asked the bar tender "Hey Bartender! You got anything for sobriety? I'm feeling really bad sober... you got anything that will fix this?" And, the bar tender said "Sure. I've got a solution for sobriety" and he poured him a drink.
The guy sat there for a few seconds looking at the drink... and then, he pushed it away and didn't drink it.
And, then, the guy said "Hey Bartender! Pour me another drink!" And, the bartender poured him another drink... and the guy gulped it down.
The bartender looked a little confused and concerned and he ask the guy "Why didn't you drink the first drink? Is there something wrong with it?" And, the guy replied with "Yep. I've been going to these A.A. meetings, and they've been telling me that it's the first drink that's my problem. They said I wouldn't get drunk if I didn't have the first drink! And, they said to do everything I could... not to drink the first one! So, that's why I started with the second one!"
Most alcoholics that I've ever met will do the darndest things and come up with all kinds of tricks and gadgets, and methods, and ideas and techniques... to try and control their drinking. And, if they are alcoholics of my type... they always fail.
The only solution that has ever worked for me... had two parts to it: 1. The first part of the solution was to stop drinking entirely. And, 2. The second part of the solution is to find a way to stay stopped!
And, that has been what A.A. has done for me... It gave me the second part of the solution... the way to stay stopped.
My best wishes and my best regards to you, Fia!!!
Keep coming back!