littlemiss wrote:**Right...so can I BEGIN working on the steps by myself...until I get a sponsor...just reading about Steps 1-4 has got me working on them/part mentally, part written...***
What you wrote reminds me of what I must watch for everyday.
I have to remember that it was me running my own show is what led me to becoming an alcoholic. And, it was me running my own show (show is another word I use for life) that kept me drinking -- after I had a desire to be sober. And, it is me running my own life -- that will run me right back into living in the bottle.
For me, to admit that I was powerless over alcohol was one thing -- but, to admit that "I" (me running my own show) could not get over the drinking game -- was a huge hurdle to jump.
I hope that you are better at it than I was. And, that you're better at it than I am.
When it came down to the nuts and bolts of getting sober -- I, on my own, did not have a clue -- what it meant to be powerless over alcohol -- and, I had read the entire book -- Alcoholics Anonymous. (While I was still drinking)
Then, I tried reading the book sober -- figuring "I can do this" -- and the humbling fact that I discovered was "I couldn't do it." I needed help. I needed someone to explain to me what it mean to be powerless over alcohol. I needed someone to explain to me "how to take the Steps." I needed someone to explain to me -- what I was reading in the book -- actually meant.
That was very humbling.
And, I didn't consider myself as "dumb or illiterate." I had many accomplishments. I had even authored three books. (And, one of the books was selling for $200 a copy). So, obviously -- I could read and I had the ability to comprehend what I was reading.
My Ego would not allow me to admit that I had a problem that was bigger than me.
Here is why I believe I had such a problem.
1. My problem with alcoholism "centers in my mind". My alcoholism is alive and living. And, it's a living problem.
2. The primary objective of my alcoholism -- is to keep me drinking.
3. My alcoholism -- is more powerful than me and my objectives.
So, if my alcoholism is bigger than me, and my alcoholism's objective is to keep me drinking, and if my problem with alcoholism centers in my mind -- I'm screwed. I'm doomed. I can't think my way out of the problem. I can't even act my way out of the problem -- because my mind is directing my actions.
If you are not as seriously affected as I was -- you may be able to think and act yourself, on your own, to solve your problem. The only variable is "may be."
If you are as seriously affected as I was -- you're going to die drinking, unless you change your mind -- about getting help. "May be" you won't.
So, you have to ask yourself "How valuable is my life, to me?" -- am I willing to risk my life on the "may be" or on the sure thing?
Your alcoholsim is saying to you "You can do this girl! Go girl go!!! You can beat me! I know you can beat me! You don't need help! You can kick my butt! Come on back in to the ring -- and have just one more drink, and I'll prove to you that you can beat me and control me!!! And, I'll be your slave! You can do this girl!"
We understand that lie -- because we have lived our lives with our alcoholism talking to us and having it tell us those lies, too.
Here is the difference: We have found a way to stay sober -- even when our alcoholism is telling us lies.
You have 5 days without a drink. See if you can do another 360 days back-to-back, with no drinking whatsoever -- to add to your 5 days. That would give you one year sober. And, one year of proof that you can do it your way. Surely, it's worth a try. So, try the best you can try over and over and over and over again, and prove that you can succeed in managing your drinking and recovery and your life -- doing it your way.
However, if you end up proving that you can't do it your way, with you in control, you in the drivers seat, you running your life and making your decisions, in regards to your sobriety and recovery -- "if" you get another chance at sobriety -- try to find someone else who can do your thinking for you -- and let them manage giving you directions and you following their directions. That's what I did -- when I finally surrendered.
"Oh!!! That sounds scary as hell!" You bet it is!!!! The only thing that scared me more -- was being dead from my alcoholism.
"Oh!!! That's a huge risk!!! Trusting someone elses direction over the direction that I can give myself!!!" You bet your butt it is!!!
That's how I had to do it.
Did it hurt me? Would it hurt me more than to continue living my life drinking myself to death?
I got better. I got sober. I stayed sober. I'm happy. I have a good life.
Now, I know that it was not such a "risk" for me to turn my will and my recovery over to the direction of a sober person who could help me.
This whole deal is actually a "God Deal." It doesn't matter if we believe it or not... or believe in God or not. God and God's deals don't change according to "how we believe about it."
God is a good God. And, there is perfect protection in perfect vulnerability, when we place our lives -- and our recovery in God's hands.
So, if God is a good God -- why can't we just take the Big Book and do it ourselves?
Simple. God want's us to know, understand and believe -- that we really do need other people.
Why? Because, when we finally "get it" ... that the quality of our lives depends on the help of other people ... we begin to treat people differently. We begin to value other people. We begin to treat other people as good as we would like to be treated.
Why is that important to God? Because "we're all God's kids." Just because you're God's kid, and God loves you -- He want's us to know that all the kids are His. And, He wants us to change -- in regards to how we think and act towards His kids.
Why is that important to you? Well. Do you really think God would let you down -- if you did it His way, instead of your way?
It's "your way" that has given you the life that you have now. It's "your way" that keeps you drinking and returning to drinking -- even after you've been sober for a while.
How do I know this? Because I'm just like you! And, it's "my way" that will lead me right back to my next drink.
However, when I surrender "my way" to the "A.A. Way" -- I discover "God's Way." And, if we do it God's way -- our lives will become good and we will never have to drink again.
Simple. But, not easy.