When I first sobered up I wanted it all right away. I wanted instant sobriety. If they sold sobriety in little packages like fruit-flavoured crystals, I would buy the lot and pour it into a large pitcher and guzzle the entire thing.
I wanted sobriety so badly, but I wasn't willing to do the work.
Alcohol had made me lazy and afraid of change. Drinking was easy and didn't require much thought process. As a matter of fact, it was completely thoughtless much of the time. I was emotionally and spiritually stunted as well, for drinking daily will do that to you.
Growth? Change? I had no clue how to do these things. I was living paycheck to paycheck, bottle to bottle, giving nothing and expecting little. Booze was my baby, my #1 priority. It was all about me!
For this alcoholic, it took an ugly relapse to finally see the light. I suddenly realized that my desire to quit drinking had become stronger than my desire to continue drinking. I had a desire for something other than alcohol!
I went back to the meetings and started to listen with a new ear. I made friends and went out for coffee with them. I began saying daily prayers for the first time in my life. I began working the 12 Steps instead of just thinking about them.
Slowly, gradually, things started to get better. Somehow I just knew that this time I was on the right path.
Recovery is not instantaneous. It takes time to sow the seeds of sobriety.
Today I am happy with my progress. I may be slower than some, but that's OK - it's not a race! I have the rest of my life to grow and learn. No matter what age you are, the rest of your life is always a long time.