- My Dilemma

My Dilemma




Alcoholics and Addicts sharing their personal recovery story with us to help others who want to recover.

Postby tim-one » Mon Jun 01, 2009 3:37 pm

:shock: HEY! THAT'S MY GOD ! What are YOU doing with MY God????

HAHahahahahahahahahahah .... that's ok, Paul. He's got time for both of us.

And, OH YEAH, I'm well aware of saying stuff and praying. I warn people with fervence, "NEVER pray for patience !" My HP doesn't just give you stuff unless it's an emergency. And HE decides what's an emergency. Otherwise He makes you PRACTICE until you get it.

I often blurt something out and go DOH! I hope He was payin attention to Paul just then." :wink:

I prayed for patience once. It was the toughest year of my life! :roll:
So I started drinkin so He'd leave me alone. :oops:

Really, He and I have an understanding of my understanding. HE prepares me for what HE wants me to do. HE will decide when I'm ready.

I trust Him. If I'm faced with something I just say, "Okie dokie, Lord. I ASSUME You know what you're doin, cuz I sure don't. Watch this and fix it if I screw it up. I'll take notes. OK? OK. Let's go."

And, yes, we laugh at and with each other every day. Mostly onaccounta I did sumthin stoopid and He fixed it. Or like when He sets me up for some kind of lesson. "Yoooouuu. YOOUUUU!! ... You did that dincha? You are SO sneaky. I didn't see THAT comin. Thanks for that, Lord. I needed it."

Earlier in life I was like Moses. God called him to "Save my people". So enthusiastic Moses goes out and kills a guy. (By the way, enthusiasm comes from the Greek "en theos" that means God within. Another book calls that "filled with the Spirit".)

So God sends Moses away for 40 years to cool off and learn some humility and ... uh ... PATIENCE.

That was me. I was "enthusiastic" to say the least. Long haired hippy-lookin Bible thumpin street preacher. No telling how many necks I broke hitting those dam sinners in the head with it. Needless to say, I was NOT made for preachin. But I am a joyful servant at His direction after my stint in my drunken "wilderness" learning that I ain't so cool after all.

Thanks for worrying about me brother. Them was right words you said.

Love ya, bro,
Tim1
Thank God I'm an alcoholic!
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thoughts from the "New Guy"

Postby BostonGuy » Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:30 pm

Anja,

I was at a Men's Discussion Meeting tonight and the topics were fellowship and Isolation.

Just my read on your post, but do you think you are using the computer to isolate yourself?

Curious to see what others might think.

Still Sober a day at a time!

BostonGuy
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Postby tim-one » Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:00 am

Hahahahahaha ... I reckon if Moses tied his ass to a tree, he either had a 40 mile rope or the tree went with him. :lol:

Great point, Boston and Dallas. I agree, it's the mindset that is either isolated or in-touch, to me anyway.

It also occured to me that I can "redeem" time and the things I had perverted to stay drunk. I used to use my 'puter to feed my various self-obsessions. Now, I'm using it as a peace-time arms race.

I know booze is out in the parking lot doing push-ups while I'm enjoying my sobriety. I'm filling my quiver while I'm at peace preparing for a fight if/when I'm attacked.

So I'm changing my 'puter from a detriment into an asset. Mindset. Purpose.

MY problem is that I tend to spend too much time enthusiastically persuing sobriety that I sometimes don't pay due attention to my life. But right now, I will have no life if I don't remain sober ... TODAY.

Love, y'all,
Tim1
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 02, 2009 5:26 pm

:wink:

Sounds like a a sane, sound, logical and healthy idea to me! :wink:
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Postby sunlight » Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:19 pm

Hi Anja,

My experience has been - if I've gotten to the point where I'm wondering if something is taking up too much of my life, and people are telling me that it is, chances are good that it's already a problem.

The trouble for me has been that I can rationalize and justify doing whatever it is, because I'm getting something out of it & don't want to give it up.

I can convince myself it's altruistic, helpful, necessary, useful...etc. ad infinitum. And even though it's beginning to cause harm in my life, it's become "normal" to do it and before long I've lost the ability to differentiate the true from the false. Sound familiar? It became just like my drinking & I'd crossed the line into addiction.

I found it necessary to talk to other alcoholics who know me to get a sane perspective on my behavior. I held nothing back from my sponsor and then needed to take the steps regarding my problem. The compulsion was removed and I was restored to sanity.

I think this can be very tricky. Absolute honesty & a good bunch of writing has helped me sort out this type of thing.

But, don't stay away too long! We love having you with us. :wink:
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Postby tim-one » Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:39 am

Sunlight,
As usual your thoughts are well thought and intuitive. It sounds like you've been WORKING the program and "intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us" (BB pg. 84 promise).

Yes, maam. Asking people who know me is important. Only they can know if my behavior has changed and if it's a good or a bad change for me.

It's also important that I pray step 11 for knowledge of God's will. I often face situations that have two right answers. Either would tend toward good. But only God is in tomorrow and what I do today may not fit the whole picture.

Sometimes I have to just do something stepping out on faith believing God will work it out right anyway if I'm wrong, also believing that He is answering my morning prayer and is directing me.

Either way, I learn a lesson that changes my thinking or bolsters my faith that God answers my prayers. Win win. It helps me pay attention to what's going on at all times in anticipation and to EXPECT God to do like He does.

If I change something I'm doing, it either works or it doesn't. God's not going to let me die or relapse if my purpose is right and I "sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God ..." (step 11 again). The peops who know me are a great "sign from God".

Thanks for making me consider how I'm doing, if my attitude is working.

Love,
Tim1

PS: I didn't wait through steps 1-10 to start step 11. It's just a suggestion. Accidentally found it very helpful with step 1.
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Postby Anja » Wed Jun 03, 2009 7:04 pm

Hi. I'm glad to see you here, All. Makes me happy to see that you're enjoying the thread and using it. :D

I've been pretty busy with Mom and have had to put my social life on hold for the time being. My social outings are limitted to my AA meetings at present, but I hang aound for a while and catch a visit or two with newcomers and old friends.

She is experiencing increasing pain and I'm certain that the next time they raise her dose will be when we no longer are able to communicate well so I'm running out for small visits frequently. She's only ten minutes away.

This has created a new challenge for me. Mom had an affection for alcohol before I was born. She and her doctor dealt with it by the Valium method. So I was raised by an active, though functional, addict. Now that she is under the influence again I am noticing an occasional push of my childhood buttons. Over the years I developed good boundaries around this and haven't had to deal with it for a couple of decades. But our circumstances are different right now and I've noticed I'll have to be watching not to engage.

Boston, I more than isolate in the computer. I am a computer addict. While I am an introvert, it's more a matter of conserving energy rather than avoiding people when I step out of society for a while. My coping skills are good and I enjoy the company of others. And vice-versa, I think for the larger part.

But, when I feel the need to talk to others about my computer use and they ask questions about it, I get the same uncomfortable feelings answering as I did when I was drinking and someone was asking me questions about how much, how did it affect me, etc. That's a wake-up call for me that I am dealing with addiction.

I've only been in recovery from a severe, nearly deadly, relapse for a couple of years and am certain that it is now time to start to take on the next in the seeming endless list of compulsions I can acquire. Sometimes I think being in recovery can be a lot like "Whack-a-Mole!"

Thanks, Sunshine. You describe my own experience accurately. And I have learned to pay attention to that second or third time something is brought up as a message from HP. I am, by nature, a scatter-brained sort of person and now also have some brain damage from drinking so paying attention is a major goal.

I think, as Dallas mentions, Much of it depends on where I am focussing when I am on the computer and what my honest reason is for being there. I was in the middle of a fourth step when Mom got her terminal diagnosis and my sponsor and I both decided to put that on hold for a while.

But one of the character defects that I was ready to let go became evident to me in my conversation in one forum. So that was kinda neat. I was also glad to see that once it had begun to bother me I was able to change my behavior. It was an old thing which had never bothered me much and didn't seem too problematic. But in this particular forum I was connecting with others who seemed to call out that defect in a negative way. I finally made a decision to move over and relieve myself of that group.

I've also done really well this week with hitting the computer, getting my business done and getting away from it again. Makes me think of the kind of struggle people with eating disorders have learning how to eat (still) but to do it in a healthy way. A tricky thing to get a handle on.

The kinds of feelings I am getting while I am on the computer also seem a pretty good guide to me for when it's time to step out.

I have a plan written out for me by a mentor and put on my refrigerator and on the top she wrote my words to her. "I know that I won't starve emotionally." I smile everytime I glance at it and it is proving true.

Later. . .
Anja
 
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Postby Anja » Wed Jun 03, 2009 7:18 pm

And Tim, your last post is also applicable to me. For me it is more a gift of age that I don't feel that sense of urgency anymore about what HP wants for me to do next.

I have been an impatient person in my youth. No sooner get done with one thing then it was a mad dash to the next. Never filled with satisfaction; Never still. Perhaps drinking may have served the purpose of slowing me down a bit. Having children was my first lesson in learning patience! They (and my in-laws) taught me quite a bit about tolerance and patience. Heh.

It proves true in my life that opportunities, however small but satisfying, do occur at just the right time. Add enough of those up and it's faith-strengthening.

Those times when I get a sense of urgency these days is when I think of the shortness of the years I have left. Then I can get a real craving to do all of my Bucket List RIGHT NOW!

So, yeah. Stay in the moment, Anja. :wink:
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Postby Dallas » Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:43 pm

Hello Anja, it's nice to hear from you. And, thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

I understand how difficult your experience can be. I've been there and done that, too... with my mother... And, with other's who have had the similar experiences with their parents. It's a tough and rocky road to travel... but the trip can be very rewarding because of the insight and wisdom gained, as we trip on the memories of our past and the thoughts of our present.

You might want to put a little note on the ice box or somewhere that you'll see it... that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us here in the forum. We care.

From reading the messages by you and Tim-One... I'm reminded of how much I'm in the "right place at the right time!" :wink: One of my greatest character defects??? Being too danged tough on myself!!!

It takes and it took a lot of work and effort and help from others for me to finally chill and start being easier on myself. So, thanks to all of you... for helping me in the past and in my present!!!

Dallas
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Postby tim-one » Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:15 am

Bless your heart, Anja. Toughy. Great introspection, I think. Good AA attitude/effort you expressed.

Just thinkin for myself. May not apply to you. I think awful loud, so eavesdrop if you like. :wink:

"Good hair ... the only good thing my daddy ever did for me."
(I know. Everybody tells me that comes from mom. It's a JOKE!)

My dad was a raving alkie. I hated him and promised myself I wouldn't be like that. Well, THAT worked out great! :oops:

Now I AM him. He was one of my biggest 4-steppers. He's not here any more, so I wrote an ammends poym about it to forgive him ... and me. I left it on the 'puter in rehab and will post it whenever I can get access to it. (dummas forgot to keep a copy)

Anyway, I had to forgive him because NOW I understand the insanity he was dealing with. The BEAST stole everything good in him, too. So now, having walked in his shoes, I understand.

I HAD to forgive him fully or I couldn't forgive MYSELF. Now I have empathetic compassion for him. I'm sorry he checked out before I was aware enough to tell him in person. Now I'm trusting HP to pass the message to him wherever he is.

"The sins of the father are passed to his sons". How true, how true for me.

Forgive me, dad. I didn't know.

Love,
Tim1
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