Why is it that I have this subtle urge ever so often to sabotage my happiness?
Alcohol is a subtle foe...
I spent Saturday not doing a damn thing I had on my to do list for the day. Instead I lay ed in bed and watched a movie, took my pup to the mountains for a while and read. Sunday morning my hubby-to-be brought me a cup of coffee in bed ( I know, how great is that?) but it was not my coffee cup. So I said "hey, were is Marvin" ( I like my Marvin the Martian cup) he said "it's dirty, someone didn't do dishes yesterday." and this wave of I CAN'T DO THIS, hit my chest like a ton of brinks.
A Year ago I stayed in bed most of the day.
I never did dishes, let alone a to do list.
My son took care of me more than I did him.
I couldn't have a healthy relationship, I didn't like me enough to accept that someone else could without thinking that there must be something wrong with them.
I didn't own a house, I was getting evicted out of my apartment, my car was breaking down, I was trying to kill myself once a month, I was hanging out with hard core drug users and white supremest, and I was selling everything including my soul to keep myself in the life I had become accustomed to. A life of drugs, alcohol, abusive men, knife and gun toting bars and no love for me, my son, God...nothing but more of the same.
Switch to today.
We own a house.
Bank accounts with money in them.
No drugs around me.
I clean, take care of finances, cook dinner, shop for the house, I am healthy and capable of giving and receiving love.
The perfect life. Dog, kid, hubby-to-be Perfect.
Holy crap...who is this person? How did all this happen? I cant pull this off, I'm just a drunk with bad taste in men.
Do they know who I am? How long till they find out that I don't have it all together like it seems? How long till I screw this life up like I have so many times before?
Not long I'm sure so I may as well get the hell out now and live like I know how to live, hard and fast..no one around to care about, nothing close enough that I can't bail on in 5 seconds or less if I need to.
Who was I kidding thinking that I could have a real life?
Alcohol is a subtle foe.
I take one day that reminds me of the way I use to be and all of sudden the last year didn't happen? The 9Th step promises never happen? I never put in the work that it takes to be a happy, sober, recovering alcoholic?
You can't have me back Mr. Alcohol. I earned this life, I am this person, I do have love, morals, goals, happiness in my life. You may be subtle, but I know better and have the scares to prove it. I see you coming and I have the tools to fight you...HAHAHAHA
Yes I talk to it at times...Hell it talks to me why not?
So, that is a little look into the wacky world of Debbie's mind. Scary place to be alone, that is why I have God, a sponsor and the fellowship...So its not just me alone in my head with Mr. Alcohol to keep me company.
I am not perfect, I do have days when I doubt myself, my sobriety, God, my sponsor, the Big Book...But I thank God that I have learned not to act on those doubts. Feel them sure. But don't act.
I know today that I am a child of Gods and that he loves me. He wants me to be happy and to have the life I do....and more... I also know that he did not "give" it to me, I had to work for it. I also know that He doesn't "Let" me keep it, I have to continue to work for it.
I believe that He wants us all to be happy, not to hurt and be miserable...He gave us the tools to use, but we have to pick them up.
Thanks for letting me share.