Well I like many others started experimenting with alcohol as a young teenager-to fit in. I felt never pretty enough, friendly enough or worthy of anyoneâ€™s friendship or affection. Dating was painful. I had no self worth and thought drinking and having sex with the guys I liked was what would keep them in my life. WRONG!!!!!
My dad drank at home but I donâ€™t remember how much or how often, I know he was depressed and when I was 18 moved into an apartment with a girlfriend to be independent. My father came to live with me and one afternoon we were drinking in the kitchen I had beer and he was drinking Gin. he committed suicide-just put his gun to his head and pulled the trigger. I was in such a state
at the time thought it was because he was depressed from going through open heart surgery-which was found to be common after that type of surgery.
I donâ€™t think I started drinking heavy until I was in my 30â€™s. Didnâ€™t start drinking everyday until probably the last 6 years- it wasnâ€™t just one a day it became 3 or 4 drinks and even if I told myself I wouldnâ€™t have a drink today my will power gave in and couldnâ€™t stop at just one, sometimes 2 but usually 3-4. I drank to relax feel comfortable around others to fit in to escape the loneliness I felt. My ex-husband is an admitted alcoholic and states he plans on quitting-his own way. Good luck to him. We would have cocktails every night after work, he drank gin and I had my wine so I didnâ€™t have a problem, again wrong. Our whole relationship revolved around alcohol, which is what kept me in his control.
I would usually try to only have a couple/few drinks 3-4 when we would go out so I could be the one to drive home-you know the whole donâ€™t drink and drive thing-right, I was just lucky to never have gotten pulled over! But hey it was ok to drink all I wanted and drive our 30 ft sail boat on lake Michigan, cause thatâ€™s not dangerous. Ya so we didnâ€™t make it, we got divorced in 2008
I drank the most when I was at home alone because I didnâ€™t want anybody to know how bad I was getting. If I was going out I would have a drink at home first so not to have too much in front of others and then drink again after I got home. But when my daughter that lives with me and her 2 kids ages 2 and 3 said to me one day her son Dylan the 2 year old pulled my bottle of vodka out of the cabinet and gave it to his mommy calling it nanaâ€™s water, I was mortified,. Thatâ€™s when I started thinking I might have a problem, but certainly not an alcoholic. My youngest daughter of 3 also has a problem with alcohol and I always blamed it on her father. The guilt led me to feel the need to take care of her no matter what. I have learned to let go of her problems and let her find her own way but it is not easy.
I never felt comfortable around most people, just didnâ€™t fit in not even my own family, I had nothing to contribute to conversations and usually said the wrong thing and felt stupid. I am a middle child and have the syndrome to go along with it. My older sister is sweet and smart, my younger sister is beautiful and outgoing and fun to be around and is an admitted alcoholic I also have 5 brothers but we wont go there. I am the ultimate co-dependant and have to take care of everyone! Wether they ask for it or not.
I never had a DUI lost my job or had true blackouts. Always made sure I could get myself home safely or so I thought, wether it was driving or getting a ride. Or staying at someones house if I did have too much to drink.
My bottom was emotional. I was in some sort of dysfunctional relationship with a man who also has a drinking problem, just like my last 2 husbands. And it ended badly with me feeling devastated. I begged GOD to put this man in my life because I needed to take care of him. So GOD said here you go. the truth is I wasnâ€™t being true to myself and let alcohol allow me to be someone I wasnâ€™t just so this man would want me. I embarrassed myself and compromised my integrity. I learned my lesson, So I started looking for answers, I tried an AlAnon meeting which my friend suggested, but it didnâ€™t feel right. So I went on line for answers and started reading about alcoholism and co-dependancy and to try to understand how to deal with alcoholics in my life. Out of curiosity I took a test to see if I could figure out if someone was truly an alcoholic. GOD slapped me upside my head! I failed the test. So in disbelief I took several more-like 5 and there it was in black and white I had a dangerous drinking problem myself- the co dependant that was gonna save everyone else. Wow, I started crying and called my sister and my best friend. My sister didnâ€™t think I had a problem but admitted that I was the only one who could say if I did or not. Thatâ€™s when I decided my life was out of control and I didnâ€™t want to live like this anymore. So I asked my friend to take me to an AA meeting. So then I looked up the big book on line and read the whole first 164 pages in 2 days-no craziness there. Didnâ€™t stop there either, got books from my sister and read the whole 12 and 12 and the beginner book all in 1 week. By the way if you really want to read a good book â€œA new pair of glassesâ€