Pauly, it sounds as though your head is still struggling with accepting that you're alcoholic -- if you are one -- and it's keeping it from getting down into your heart.
On the home page of this site you'll find a link to two tests that may be of help to you to decide for your self. www.step12.com
Look somewhere in the middle of the page for the link -- if you don't see it, you'll find it repeated at the bottom of the page.
I hope that helps.
Alcoholic means that I -- can not control the second drink. If I have the first drink -- I will have a second drink. My alcoholism demands it. That's the "physical aspect" of alcoholism. The first drink doesn't metabolize in the body of an alcoholic -- the same way it metabolizes in the body of a non-alcoholic. A non-alcoholic can take a first drink and not have the second drink. They might not even finish the first drink!
How many times have you ever put down the first drink -- and didn't finish it? How many times did you ever have the first drink -- and not have the second drink?
I didn't understand those questions when I was asked the questions. I thought that often, I never finished the first drink and almost never had the second drink!
You see... my mind was warped as a result of my alcohol-ism. I was rationalizing the answer with "the second and third drink were always just part of the first drink -- because I was never finished with my first drink!
If the physical aspect were all that there was to being alcoholic -- many more of us alcoholics would be sober today! But, the physical aspect is only half of the alcoholic picture.
The other half is: The mental aspect. My head tells me "It's okay Dallas! You haven't had a drink in 24 yrs now! Surely you can control just one drink!"
Or, it will say "Go ahead! This is a special occasion! You deserve it!" Or... even more dangerously... My head won't say anything to me at all! Nothing. Not a do and not a don't. And, suddenly... I could find myself sitting at a bar, or wherever... and discover that I was way beyond having the first one... and probably ordering another round for me and for the rest of the bar, all because "Hey! I don't drink! I'm a sober member of AA! This drink is yours -- it's for you! Gulp!"
(That actually happened to me, at five months sober -- on my very first trip into AA!). And, I continued drinking "her drink" for two weeks -- as I was announcing, sluridly, to all of Mexico... "I don't drink! This isn't my drink! I'm a sober member of AA!"
Sound insidious??? Agreed. It is insidious. And, it's called by another name other than just crazy and insane... it's called "alcohol-ism."
Now. There is a reason, that alcoholism is called alcohol-ism. The fact is: Once an alcoholic -- always alcoholic -- regardless if I'm drinking or sober! It will never become alcohol-wasm.