gretzky wrote:My name is Ryan Toretzky and I am an alcoholic. I have just relapsed on Halloween after being sober for 2 years(longest ever in my life). I have a beatiful wife and daughter who is 20 months old. I have been in jail several times, have 4 dui's, have lost a job and the list goes on. Thanks to my HP, in the 2 years I was sober, I got alot of the "stuff" back. I have a new job making good money, a great family(wife and child). I have been in the program for 10 years now. When I relapsed, it was a one time event, i did not go on a 2 day bender or anything like that. I drank 2 bottles of red wine and shots. Sunday I was in the hospital for 4 hours so they can get fluids back in me and so I could just get the help I needed physically. I have depression and I am taking Celexa for this. I guess I am looking for answers on why I am such a chronic relapser. I have relapsed over and over and had sponsor after sponsor, have done the work and then just slip as most of us do. I cannot afford another slip. I have a wife and a child that NEED me and I NEED them. I have been to 2 meetings since Sunday and it certainly makes me feel better. Any suggestions from this point would be appreciated.
I appreciate you sharing your struggles as I was a chronic relapser for many years before I finally got sober.
A consideration, probably nothing you haven't heard before:
Could it be that you focus too much on "getting your life in order" and getting all your ducks in a row? In other words, arranging the externals, rather than concentrating on your inner development?
Many go out behind unfinished amends, particularly financial amends. I've worked with more than one guy who kept relapsing until he faced those amends. Maybe you've lost the connection between the first half of The First Step and the second half of The First Step. We get stuck on the dash. Life gets good and now it isn't unmanageable and we fall into the belief that it isn't about going to any lengths for victory over alcohol.