I think I'm ready

Alcoholics and Addicts sharing their personal recovery story with us to help others who want to recover.
Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm

I think I'm ready

Postby 918gma » Thu Dec 01, 2005 4:26 pm

I would like to take my first stab at telling my story.

The whole story and nothing but the story so help me HP

I guess I would have to classify my early drinking as more binge drinking. I don't have a lot of memory of my early years. I fit under the category of "More will be revealed". My first drunk as I remember it was at my 8th grade graduation. I had the same issues every one else I've talk to had. Didn't fit in felt like a square peg in life looking for the round hole. Insecure, frustrated, different.
I remember it was home made wine we were drinking. It tasted horrible. I didn't like it one bit, but I drank it because every one did. I remember not really sitting on the floor the world whizzing by, but I was comfortable safe. I was enjoying the show. Not mingling, just sitting back watching. I see now that I was a recluse drinker from the very beginning. I just didn't understand people and felt uncomfortable around them.
I drank like that through High school, not often, but when I drank, I drank to get drunk. That was the goal. Get to that safe place where I could just sit and watch the world go by. Senior year I started experimenting with drugs, mostly Pot, boy was that some good stuff. I could do that and some beer and sweet oblivion. Just go with the flow. During that part of my insanity is when I got pregnant for the first time. Barley know the guy's name, knew he was in juvenile custody on day passes to go to school. The day I told him I was pregnant was the last day I saw him. I have issues with my parents to this day, but one thing I can say with all honesty is that they were always there for me in their own warped way. I can home with "The News" and they said we would wait till my brothers were in bed to discuss it. I remember hearing them down the hall whispering back and forth during the whole conversation, they were exited about the whole thing, "Sis was going to have a baby, and they were happy about it". Mom and Dad gave me two choices, abortion was not one of them because we were Mormons and that just wasn't an option. My choices were, have the baby and they would help me raise it or put it up for adoption and they would adopt it. I didn't know it at the time but my Mother had just had a miscarriage and also wanted a baby, so did Dad. I picked raise it myself because I sure as heck didn't want to call my son my brother. Great reason for deciding to keep a baby but I was only seventeen, and had no business being pregnant any way. (no excuses just the truth). I graduated high school barley. My Biology Teacher was going to fail me. I told him that if he did I would come back the following year request him specifically and bring my child with me to class every day. Mysteriously my grade in that class improved just enough to get me out of High School.

My parents decided that College wasn't a good idea for me because I had responsibilities. I had to think like an adult and answer for the mistake I had made. So off the work I went. Guilt and responsibility were my credo. I made the mistake now I had to pay for it. During one of those jobs, I met my first husband. He asked, I said yes and it was done. He had a little girl that was thirteen hours younger that my son. I though is was a sign. I later realized I didn't get married for love , I go married to get out of the house. The relationship was very abusive to me verbally. He was a very sick man himself. I found out many years later that he also sexually abused my son. The marriage went on for about 4 years, during which time I had Kay, my handicapped daughter, when I found out that she was handicapped, I had a nervous break down. It wasn't really address, because we were all too worried about Kay the worry about my nerves. Kay's first year of life cost the State of Arizona $1,000,000, and me the remainder of my sanity. The marriage ended soon after that, he blamed me for having a screwed up kid. He told me that I was such a mess no one would every want any thing to do with me, and I believed him. I came back home broken down and alone. During the divorce process I drank as often as I could get out. I gave myself to who ever would have me, trying to fill the void I felt, you guessed it, baby number 3. I was batting a thousand. I don't even know the name of that father. I tried going back to school to be a nurse, that didn't work, then I changed my major to psychology, that didn't work. My parents decided that it was time I quit screwing around and got a real job. I had 3 kids now and I needed to quit thinking about myself and raise them. So I did. I say it this way not to blame my parents, but to show you that one of my character defects has always been and to a degree still is today, an inability to make decisions for my self. To allow others to make them for me and then react accordingly. I set myself up to be a victim. I see that very clearly today. After several bad choices at jobs and not getting very far, a friend of the family convinced me that I needed to go to the county (Maricopa) and get a good job with benefits. I didn't have a lot of hope because I didn't feel like I had any skills to get one, but I did as I was told.
That's how I got the Job I currently have. I am a Detention Officer for the Maricopa County Sheriffs Office. I have been there for 19 years. I felt proud of myself for the first time in my life. I felt like I was some one. To quote Bill W "I had arrived". I see things a little differently today. I see that my job was my wall, my protective coating. The safety net that I had been searching for all my life. No body could touch me now, I had back up. (I don't think any one outside of Law Enforcement could even understand those words, I may be wrong) The wall grew thicker over the years. Outside of it I because bigger and bigger, inside I stopped grow completely. I was a confused, scared, angry little girl without a clue as to what life was about. I felt guilt and shame. Outside I had responsibilities to live up to, things I had to get done. Jake was starting to have some real problems so I concentration on that or at least I tried. He ended up in a series of treatment centers, that weren't right for him, because I had faith in the system, I believed I was doing the right thing. I never checked them out or any thing I just did was I was told. Great parenting skills. About the time he was getting old enough to age out of the "System" I met and married my second husband, because I needed to buy a house, and I couldn't do it on my own, or so I believed. The deed was done and I went on working towards my goal. Well I got a house by gosh. My son who had just got out of treatment told me which one to get. It turned out to be a nightmare. It had more things wrong with it than you could imagine. I could tell you stories that would double you with laughter. I'll save those for an other time. I was working nights So Rick was in charge of things while I was gone. Needless to say I married a sick man. and things were not going well at home while I was gone. That was the start of my youngest daughters problems. A boy was literally moved into my home without me even realising it. He turned out to be my daughters first boyfriend, and first in a series of boys that got moved in on me, because Barb wanted them there, and I couldn't get them out. It was around this time that I started drinking daily. It helped me sleep. I have discovered very recently that I have an actual sleep disorder of one sort or another, but that was the excuse I used for drinking. I started slow two 24's before bed and gradually increased. At the time I was stopped I was at 14 beers a day average, more on the weekends. After all I had a job and responsibilities. I divorced Rick because he couldn't hold onto a job like I needed him to and because he was an idiot. Big change in my thought process from my first divorce. That I can thank my job for, or at least my perception of myself anyway. If it wasn't of any use to me, get rid of it. I ended up filing bankruptcy for the second time in my life and started over. The first time was during my marriage to my first husband. I couldn't move back home because Mom and Dad decided I had too much baggage and it just didn't work any more. Kay had behavior issues, and well as numerous problems with her handicap and it was just too much for them. They would watch my kids for me while I worked but that was all. Now Ernie, my youngest brother could live there with his 7 kids and did numerous times, but I couldn't. Later they even quit that because Kay was just too much for them. I worked on getting my finances back on track (haha) and bought another house. You guessed it Jake picked it out for me. It took a lot of drama to get it and I had to wait over a year before it actually happened. During that time my Grandmother's health was failing badly, and it was no longer safe for her to live alone. So I agreed to move into her house and try to clean it up so it could be sold while they moved grandma to safer ground. This house was in the middle of drug heaven. Great place for my daughter who was having major problems in that area, but I had to do what I could for the family. It was a nightmare, and a very ruff time for all. My son was married and out of the house, so I just had the two girls. To make a long story short I survived and got the house. It turned out to be the best thing I have ever done for myself. It solved a problem at least geographically for Barb, because it was out in the middle of no where. She had met the man that is now her husband around that time. Rick, my second Husbands health was failing badly so Barb and her boyfriend got a job taking care of him. The boyfriend lived with him and Barb would go there and help. He unbenounced to me was also spend a good amount of time sleeping under her bedroom window until I went to work. There was a big blow up at Ricks one day and you guessed it, Mat ended up living with me. I financially supported a total of four of Barb's boyfriends during my drunk a log and well into the first part of my recovery. Some where during this chaos, I got caught at work about my drinking. I can remember distinctly feeling nothing short of relief. The gig was up, the secret was out, my nightmare was over. By this time as I said I was drinking on average of 14 beers a day. I was meaner hat hell at work. You see my demoralizing behavior occurred when I was sober, not when I was drunk. I couldn't use my safety net at work. I wasn't in my zone my oblivion, and I blamed every one I came into contact for it. I also had a show to perform. I was bigger than life, I been there had it all, done it all, I was rude crud, and successfully surviving in a man's world. I had them convinced I could knock any one of them on their ass if they crossed my path. Women too, they were just plain stupid, and wouldn't listen to reason anyway. Any way my Captain told me to home the day I got caught and do what I needed to do to get myself the help I needed. The incident would not be address at work again, unless I showed up under the influence. A breathalyzer was done and I blew 000's. The alcohol was so much in my system that it could be smelled, that's how I got caught. I wasn't even under the influence. By God's grace I knew what to do. My son had 10 years in the program and I knew that's where I needed to be. I spent 5 days in the hospital to detox, and that's when Barb got to find out just what it was like to be me. She got stuck with Kay. Of co use being my daughter, she tried doing it all along and felt quit defeated to discover that she couldn't. But she tired God bless her sole. I got out of the hospital and started AA. My first meetings I had what I recall a desire to run like hell. I wasn't like these people. look at them. They're a mess. By God's grace and some wonderful people in the program, I stayed. The first meeting I tried to escape from a small beautiful woman that remains my dear friend today. (keep in mind, I am bigger than life nobody tells me what to do). She weighed maybe 100 pounds, and that was if she was wearing a wet coat, gave me my first AA hug spun me around and planted my back in my chair. After the meeting I got the phone numbers and the talks and all that other stuff, then ran home. I didn't go back for over a week. I stayed sober. Slowly but surly I started easing my way back into the program, and after about two weeks, got my sponsor. She had me call her that night and gave me my list of things to do. I readily agreed, then decided what I was willing to do on the list and what I was not. You see I believed and did for some time into the program that I was unique and the program was just going to have accept that. I was willing to go to any lengths but I choose the lengths. After all I had Kay, a stressful job and very little time to devote to all this. That decision almost killed me. During my recovery, every single thing on that list that I chose not to do, I discovered later and painfully that I shouldn't have ignored it. For example, she told me to get a net work of people that I trusted to get in contact with in case some thing happened. Well low and behold it did, I was not prepared. She also told me to go to a doctor and get a complete phsical. Why has time for that crap. 18 months later I landed in an emergeny room. Sick and tired. I discoved that I had been sick for a very long time phsically mentally and spritually. I now walk very slow an with my eyes wide open both the past and my future. I belive I really started my road to recovery in that chair in the emergency room, 2 weeks shy of my 18 month chip, which I almost didn't get. Don't get me wrong, because I also see that every thing that has happened pior to that day and put me where I neede to be to get where I am today, A grateful recovering active member of alcoholics anonimus in good standing with my higher power and willing to go to any lengths to recover from my desease

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