Just had my Nine Year birthday.
I thought I would tell you a bit about recovery from my perspective at nine years.
I warned everyone before that I wont pull punches.
So here we go.
Over the years in my recovery I have been through a share of good and bad.
If you think it is all roses and clouds then then you will be disappointed.
The reality for me has been life.
Dealing with it head on and afraid of what is next.
Yes I said afraid.
It has been my experience that I am put to the test at every turn.
The Wife, Kids, Work, and other people all seem to throw obstacles in my way at it seems like every turn.
But I have an ace card in the hole.
My Higher Power.
And I depend on him all day every day.
Somehow I know all this crud dealt to me every day has a reason.
Sometimes I even find out what that is.
Most times not, but that I figure is because it just isn't time for me to know why.
Before I would deal with this crud by drinking. Escaping the reality of it all if you will.
But escaping is not dealing with it.
Sure, when I was drunk I didn't care about the problems; but they were still there.
I sobered up and they were still there.
So I drank again but still they were there when I sobered up again.
Damn the luck they didn't go away...
Well today I MUST deal with the crud.
Oh well at least it isn't getting worse like before.
It hasn't been easy learning to deal with it either. I had forgotten how through not dealing with it.
I used alcohol as an escape from reality if you haven't figured that out yet.
And I am dis-positioned to not see it for what it was.
I see those around me that make comments like:
Ahhh lets just get drunk and forget about it.
Cant wait for the weekend to have some fun and down a 12ver.
I think to myself how I used to be just like them.
And I am glad I am not now.
I can go to a bar and order a soda and be just fine with it.
Although I will tell you I am very uncomfortable in them.
I want that beer, dont get me wrong.
And it crosses my mind "Just one wont hurt".
But it will and I know that now.
That is is a terrifying prospect to me.
Because I know one will lead to two then twelve and they find me dead in an alley.
And I know that the wake of destruction that will proceed that alley.
My Higher Power keeps me out of that alley.
I had to learn to listen and see the signs.
He is there.
I will bet the farm on that.
I seen it too many times and in too many ways.
But if you think it will be easy in recovery.
It is HARD, and you too will be tested every single day.
But I tell you this.
It is worth every single minute of those days.
That Higher Power guy kicks hard.
And also has a very light touch sometimes.
The trick is to learn to listen and see.
And then do what you already know is right.
I have a token I carry everyday, everywhere for a year till I replace it with the next year token.
A reminder to me.
Something to squeeze hard on when I need too also.
There have been times I thought I would break my fingers on it.
The reward is you have your life back.
Nine years and counting.