Nice to hear from you. Not nice to hear that you're having a tough day. But, I'm glad to hear from you -- especially, if you are having a tough day.
I would suggest getting to an A.A. meeting A.S.A.P.
Your other A-non program is good for you and it would be good for you to continue with that. While I was never a member of the other fellowship -- members of the other fellowship helped me with the help that I needed, before I could find that help in A.A. I am extremely grateful to the other fellowship for their help.
However, in your situation -- if you've become alcoholic, you'll benefit best by taking the 12 Steps sober. (Even if you do the 12 Steps in the other fellowship... as an alcoholic, plugging the jug... is the First Step.)
When I got what I needed to get sober? It was when I started drinking again -- and couldn't get sober, after having gone to A.A. first, and hearing what they had said about alcoholics!
That's what convinced me that I was alcoholic. Not being able to leave alcohol alone, with or without A.A. help -- convinced me that I was alcoholic. And, that I was going to need all that A.A. had to offer me -- a Higher Power (which later became a God that I could understand), a Sponsor, the 12 Steps, the Big Book, the other A.A. members, the A.A. meetings, and to get into the actions of participating in A.A. (which was to participate in my own recovery).
Once I was convinced that I was alcoholic -- I knew that I was screwed. Doomed to die an alcoholic death -- drunk or sober. I would either eventually drink myself to death, get into some horrible accident while drinking, or.... go mad... insane... from not drinking.
Either way, drinking or not drinking.... my alcoholism was going to kill me. Not much hope, huh?
I made a decision -- that if the alcoholism was going to kill me either way, then I wanted to be physically sober -- so that when I died, my kids would have never seen me drunk or drinking again -- and they could say "at least he was sober when he died."
I didn't believe that I could stay stober... and I didn't believe that A.A. would work for me. And, I didn't believe that God was going to help me... unless there really was some sort of twisted God, who had a weird sense of humor... that enjoyed helping the drunks in A.A.!
And, if there was their weird twisted God that did help drunks in A.A. -- then, I had better get my butt into A.A., IF I was ever to have a chance at having that God help me.
I later discovered that I was right on about all those conclussions.
1. I couldn't stay sober on my own (that's Powerless)
2. I couldn't manage to stay sober on my own. (that's Unmanageable).
3. I came to believe that there must be some kind of Higher Power, that has something to do with A.A., because... even if it didn't work for me, it was working for other alcoholics in A.A. They were staying sober -- and, I wasn't
4. Since I had nothing else to lose -- I decided I better plug the jug, and get back to A.A. and do whatever they told me to do -- because whatever I was doing wasn't working for me, and ...A.A. wasn't going to work for me -- so, I had better work for A.A. to work for me.
When I went back to A.A. after making a decision that I wanted to quit drinking for good -- forever -- I started looking for every job I could find to do in A.A. Like, going to the meetings, emptying the trash, wiping off the tables and chairs, emptying ashtrays, washing cups, washing the coffee pot (they didn't trust me to make the coffee), stopping to buy cookies and doughnuts for the meeting (before the meeting), standing at the front door, looking goofy... sticking out my hand to welcome people to the meeting (even at meetings that I had never been to before), sweeping and moping the floors, cleaning up spilled coffee, picking up cigarette butts in the parking lot (to throw them away
) ... and reading the Big Book, and asking the other A.A. members if I could go to the coffee shop with them after the meeting, asking for phone numbers... and forcing myself to call the numbers with regularity... talking and checking in with my sponsor... and willing to do anything that they would let me do to participate with them -- (among other things).... and, not drinking even when it felt like it was going to kill me to not drink!
I didn't know that the craving to drink was ever going to go away. I didn't think the crazies from being sober were ever going to go away... I didn't know the mental and emotional pains of not drinking was ever going to go away -- I thought I was going to be stuck with that, for the rest of my sober life. And, I made a decision -- that if that was as good as it was ever going to get for me -- then, just plain, painfull and miserably physically sober -- was enough. I became willing to accept it.
Much to my shock and surprise.... working for A.A. -- eventually made it possible for A.A. to work for me. And, that's why I try to keep working for A.A. today -- so that it will continue to work for me today. And, it has worked for me in ways that amaze the heck out of me -- and amazes me beyond my wildest dreams.
My life today is nothing like it used to be. It's a good life. Life is good. Sobriety is good. I'm sober and happy. And, now, I feel like there is even a good me, that's able to do good most of the time.
That's how I got to where I needed to get to -- so that I can stay where I need to be -- so that I can stay sober and happy wherever I am.
And, I hope that something in my experience will help you to discover how to get to where you need to get to -- so that you can stay where you need to be,... so that you, too, can be sober and happy wherever you are.
Remember.... we're all here to help you!!!!! We've all been down the same alcoholic path. And, we are here to help each other to stay on the sobriety path... because there is so much good that awaits you and us... beyond sobriety.