Hello Jackie & Joseph! Thanks for your sharing!
You both bring me right back down memory lane!
Each time that I thought I had something figured out... I would discover something that I hadn't previously considered. My head started getting wrapped so tight looking for causes and conditions that it was suggested to me, to try to get used to being in the present... before I tried to dig so far into the past.
Later on, I understood what they meant. It would be sad for me to have a ton of self-knowledge and things that I thought I understood about my past... and neglect living in the now... which is where I needed to keep focused, so that I could keep putting one foot in front of the other foot and take care of the actions that I needed to take care of -- to make it through another sober day.
Sometimes, for me, the present 24 hours of the day was about all that I needed to be concerned with. Then, much later on, for me, I began to get some answers that made sense to me.
I like to read and re-read over and over again, Chapter 3, More about alcoholism. There is some heavy-duty insight in that chapter that helped me realize that I drank because I was alcoholic. And, that I had become alcoholic many years before I thought I even had a problem with drinking.
The reason I always tried to do and be something other than me -- was I felt something was missing in me. And, like I was missing something in life -- that other people had -- and I wanted to find that "something more" that my gut told me was "out there."
Finally, after a few years sober, and still searching... an A.A. member helped me to discover that what I was looking for -- was what I was looking with.... which, for a long time, didn't make any sense at all to me! Not only did I discover that I was looking for what I was looking with -- I discovered that the thing that I thought was missing in me -- was deep inside me all along. Chapter 4, "We agnostics" helped me to figure that one out. That's one of my favorite Big Book chapters, too. I discover something new in that chapter each time I read it.
Enjoy your journey. And, try to enjoy the moment. Sober... life is full of some really awesome adventures and discoveries!
And, Geoff brought up a real important point... this deal works so much better when we do it together... rather than trying to figure it out and try to do it alone. If you don't have a sponsor yet, just grab yourself an AA buddy that you feel comfortable with and talk with them. This concept of one alcoholic talking with another is no longer a theory... it's an idea that really works!
Wishing the best for all of you!