Am i beeing unreasonable in sobriety

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
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Am i beeing unreasonable in sobriety

Postby Joseph » Sat May 10, 2008 1:20 am

Hi i'm Joe an alcoholic/addict. I have an issue that has arrived tonight that i don't know how to handle. My wife has just given up her second job this week . We have just reconciled last week so the new relationship on sober terms has just begun recently. We both share with each other in the way that i am an alcoholic and cannot even have 1 drink or nor do i want to as it can be fatal for me. When she finished her shift she had a good bye drink with her co-workers and so she told me about it when i went to pick her up. Now my mind is running rapid as i cannot have a drink at all and it kinda brought cravings for me immediately when i found out. I have been driving myself crazy with emotions like i am not being supported with this but i question if i am being out of line to expect her not to drink as well seeing how i can't. I shared my feelings with her about it but as she said to me"it was only one drink, it doesn't happen all the time". I don't know if this is something that will go away in time since i've only been sober for 39 days now. I really don't know what to do and would love some feed back here as cravings feels stronger right now than i have dealt with thus far, i feel jealous as i can't have 1 drink or else.
Look forward to any feed back.

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Postby Dallas » Sat May 10, 2008 1:54 am

Hello Joseph,

It's good that your asking those kinds of questions. :wink:

First off, what you're experiencing isn't actually what we refer to as cravings. The phenomenon of physical craving would kick in after you drink... which often makes it impossible to stop drinking after the first one. What you're experiencing is what we refer to as "the obsession" to drink which is often associated with the "alcoholic insanity" that would lead you to pick up the first drink.

And, of course... all this is pointless and academic... as long as you don't take the first next drink. :wink:

What's going on for you is what we often experience in early sobriety, as looking at a non-alcoholic take a drink -- and it ticks us off that they can get away with it -- and, we can't. :lol: So, if we sit around thinking about it... it will lead to self-pity, anger and resentments.... and we can end up spoiling someone elses party... because we want them to stop doing what we can't do... and then they'll end up ticked off at us and it snowballs into really big problems for us.

There are many sober alcoholics... that live with and are married to drinking non-alcoholics... and even drinking alcoholics. :wink:

Our sobriety never depends upon what someone else does. It depends upon what we do... which is... we don't drink.

Once we accept that we're alcoholic and can't drink because we're alcoholic and recognize that that's just the way it is... other peoples drinking isn't going to bother us.

Wouldn't you want to take a drink if you were non-alcoholic? Heck, I'd be having me a drink right now if I was non-alcoholic! But, I'm alcoholic, so I can't drink. :lol: And, for me... I think anyone that's non-alcoholic should go ahead and drink all they want. :lol: That's what I would do if I was non-alcoholic!

Once you get through your 12 Steps and get a little more sober time under your belt it will eventually stop bothering you to be around someone else that drinks. Especially, if it's friends and family.

An example could be... your wife might be allergic to milk and couldn't drink milk with her cookies. It shouldn't bother her or you if you sat around with a jug of milk with your cookies just because she had an allergy to milk.... You could even tease her with "Hey! Got milk? Want some?" :lol: :lol:

Our lives can get unbearable easy and fast... if we start making demands on others. Let's just try to show them love and tolerance and try to be understanding... and not make them suffer just because we're alcoholic. We can be happy, joyous and free... and sober... regardless of how often or how much "they" drink. :wink:

If we can demonstrate to them that we can be happy under fair weather or foul... they're more likely to become interested in what's made us different... and why we can be at peace and ease and cheerful and jolly without drinking.


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Postby tj » Sat May 10, 2008 7:28 am


In addition to what Dallas offered, I would encourage you to talk to your Sponsor about this. It sounds like there is alot going on in your relationship with your wife. For this alcoholic, relationships are confusing and frustrating. I always need to talk to my Sponsor or some other person in the program to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. At 9 months sober, my head is not spinning as much as it used to, but emotions are still hard for me. I have to also remember that the rest of my family needs time to recover, as well. Thanks for sharing, Joseph.


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Postby Joseph » Tue May 13, 2008 9:10 am

Thanks to all for your replies it helps to get other views during tough times. The day has passed and i feel alot better now. I had to sweat it out and call a friend and it turned out o.k. I go to at least 8 meetings a week and have 2 home groups which also helped me immensely. Feedback from my previous recovery house councellors as well as all of you really helped for my views from this point forward, so again thanks and a happy 24.

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Postby garden variety » Tue May 13, 2008 10:16 am

Hi Joe,

Sorry I'm a little late in responding. The responses you have are on the money. But as you should know by now, you'll usually get a "story" from me if I've gone through something similiar. Which I did. So get your coffee now.

The second time I went through the 12 steps with my new sponsor at that time (I wanted to go through all of them again because I did too many half measures in early sobriety), this "event" came up. This was after I had five years of sobriety, but I came close to relapsing so I was in the process of "redoubling" my efforts at "being thorough" with all parts of the recovery program. What Dallas said about the "obsession" or "compulsion" is so true - not the same as the "phenominon of craving". (Great post Dallas).

I took my mother to a funeral reception (I call them "sendoff parties") which was at a motel in a reserved "conference room" for the funeral party. There was about 40 of us there. I was the only one who did not drink alcohol.

There was two hostesses who started at opposite ends of the tables which were arranged in a "half-circle". They began pouring wine in everyone's glass without asking. It just came with the meal and that's how the motel did things for that funeral party. I was near one end and my mom was next to me. This happened so fast, and it caught me completely off guard. I told the hostess "No wine - thank you". She asked what did I want to drink. I asked for Tonic Water and a lime NO GIN. (Now for some god-unknown reason, I like the taste of that stuff and it agrees with my stomach. I also drink ginger ale or other clear sodas because of the acid thing in cola - but ususally I drink fruit juice as a preference - 100% fruit juices).

So the hostess skips by me with the wine (it was red wine) and pours my mother a glass. Her glass is within hand's reach from me, and boy can I ever remember the smell of that red wine! I was freaking out. It smelled so good to me, and for a minute, I wanted to drink some. My mom asked me if it bothered me if she would drink. I said no it wouldn't because I already knew that I can't expect a non-alcoholic not to drink socially at a social event. Every single other person also drank wine.

They served the food, and there's this tiny piece of fish they gave me that almost made me laugh. My mother had the beef dish which was much bigger, and my tiny fish made her laugh! Now the visual on this is a 320-lb biker looking guy with long hair and jeans - poking away at a piece of fish about the size of two postage stamps trying to keep pace with a room of 40 folks in dress clothes that seemed to have all the social skills. Talk about feeling out-of-place and uncomfortable! Then the wine is just smelling way to good!

So I say a quick prayer "God help me stay sober", and the compulsion goes away. But I watch the group. Out of that 40 people, there was at least 2-3 that guzzled through their wine in no time and asked for more. I watched them as they sat and ate and drank 4-5 times more than the other social drinkers. I smiled. My mother knew which ones had "drinking problems" because she knew the family. I asked her about "so and so" who was getting plastered. Him and his wife were divorcing. And the other "so and so". He and his wife were already divorced, and he beat her while they were married. Why was I not surprised?

So my mother and me finished the meal and said our good-byes. My mother drank half the glass of her wine which was half-filled to start with (I guess Miss Manners says you shouldn't completely fill wine galsses? Sounds like wasted space to me - LOL :D )

Well this happened at a time when I did not drive because I worked myself into a pickle with my finances and lack of concern about them. Later that evening, I asked my mother if she could take me to a meeting which she gladly did. On my way there, I asked her if that little bit of wine satisfied her? Yes - she was fine. I asked her if she went home and got out the orange juice and Vodka - you know to put on a buzz? She laughed and said no. She had nothing else to drink. I asked her was she happy or mad? She looked at me totally puzzled and said "Happy of course. I was fine all day."

I was totally at a loss. How the hell do people do that? These words came out of my mouth:

"I wish I could drink like you!"

Then the red light came on. Then I said "Wait a minute! No I don't wish I could drink like you. I don't ever want to drink again!"

Such are the adventures "before and after" of the alcoholic. Five years sober, and I was still pretty much in a "danger zone".

Today it's completely different. I no longer "wish I could drink" like a social drinker. Even if I could drink normally, I wouldn't. There is just no longer a need for alcohol in my life today. I can be around folks that drink, and even the obsession or compulsion is gone, but I don't go out of my way to be around alcohol - I try to avoid it at all times. There are "fleeting" moments when "Suddenly the thought crossed my mind", but these are times when there is no booze or parties going on around me. I just laugh and shake my head. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic.

I had a romantic evening with a lady recently. She wanted to have wine and cheese and asked me if it would bother me if she drank some wine. I said no - she offered me some kind of sparkling thing - I think it was "Pierre's" - it was pretty good and it went fine with the cheese and crackers. She had like a gourmet spread midnight snack set up.

But then when I kissed her - it totally grossed me out! It was like kissing a drunk, but she wasn't drunk - she was one of those "half-glass" wine drinkers. The thing I had to do in that situation was convince my mind I was not kissing someone who was drunk or who was an alcoholic. This was hard because that kiss kicked in some POWERFUL memories of when I was with girls that were drunk, and it really grossed me out. God I was having thoughts and even "smells" came into my mind of waking up with girls in bed and you could smell pee - just disgusting crap that was a part of my life when I drank.

Well this girl brushed her teeth before we got "serious" into the romatntic part of the evening. That wiped out the "taste" of the drunk when I kissed her again which was fine with me!

Love and tolerance for others is our code, Joe. If you face situations like that, ask God for help - that usually works.

God bless

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Postby Jools » Fri Nov 14, 2008 11:27 am

I'm glad I read this post. Thanksgiving is coming up and off to the in laws for dinner. I know folks will be drinking and that scares me. I would never be so self centered as to ask that no alcohol be the theme for the day, but I wish it was.

Go late, leave early, right?

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Postby ccs » Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:49 pm

yeah go late leave early and while your there make sure when you pick up a glass that its yours ( when lots of people are together mix ups happen ) so sniff before you sip :D :D

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Postby Dallas » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:54 pm

Also -- seriously consider taking an AA friend with you.... You can be supportive of each other and you may even be helping them so that they are not alone for the holidays.

I started reading this thread after seeing the new posts to it. After I read Joseph's original message -- I started to reply to it -- just to discover that what I was going to reply -- I had already replied :lol: and what I was going to post was basically the same thing that I had already posted. So, that told me that my thoughts haven't changed about the situation and circumstances.

Here is what I'd like to add to it:

What we really need is a spiritual awakening -- that will bring about a transformation in our personality (our Self)... that will cause us to not consider a drink for ourselves -- during any circumstance or situation... regardless if it's good times, celebrations, or heartbreaks and loneliness... or seeing others drink and having any sort of thoughts that "Too bad I can't drink just one, too!" Because the way we do -- one, too -- is really one, two... three... thirty three... forty four! :lol: :lol:

We seem to spend a lot of time in AA trying to figure out methods and techniques of not having the next first drink -- you know... the go to meetings, call your sponsor, read the book, don't go where alcohol is served, go where alcohol is served if you have legitimate reasons for going... I could add to the list ad infinitum!

If we spent as much time trying to seek Him (the God of our own understanding) by having transforming spiritual awakenings -- as we do in trying to avoid the next drinks -- our thoughts on the next drinks would become pointless and academic.

Our program of recovery seems to have become "methods and techniques of not having the next drink" rather than "these are the Steps we took -- that caused me to recoil from the thought of a drink -- because of the spiritual awakenings that have produced my recovery."

Well... I guess we still have to think about methods and techniques to not take the next drink... because we're kind of slow... when it comes to spiritual growth. So, we need something to help us... like AA friends and what they do to not drink... until we have the spiritual growth that brings about the personality transformation that causes us to recover.


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Postby sunlight » Sat Nov 15, 2008 12:39 am

Cessie has a good point about making sure that the drink you're taking is yours.
At a company Christmas party I took a big gulp of what I thought was my water & it was gin! Blecchhh!

I used to carry my AA chip to drinking occasions & hold it in my hand. It kept me focused on the fact that I wanted to stay sober.

Eat lots of turkey. It has magic stuff in it that makes you sleep. It's true! :lol:

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Postby Jools » Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:24 am

Okie dokie, I'll do all that stuff. Thanx for sharing.


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