Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best.
You mentioned feelings about your relationship with your HP.
And, I assume you mean feelings in regards to giving up tobacco.
If I read and correctly understood what you wrote (meaning I could have not understood it correctly)... you felt that your feelings had something to do with relapse.
If that's true... you're probably right about it.
If I'm doing something that causes me to feel guilt and remorse... I can do something about it... I can stop doing it. Make amends. And, that settles and solves the problem.
If I keep doing something that causes me to feel guilt and remorse... and do nothing about it... pretty soon I'll begin to seek relief to resolve the conflicting feelings inside of me. It could be turning to a substance to find relief... or a behavior to find relief... until I am in denial strong enough that I no longer feel guilt and remorse about what I'm doing.
The choice of what to do is mine... in the beginning. Later, after the denial sets in... I lose the option of choice and the substance and denial are making the choices for me. And, what I could have changed becomes something that I can no longer easily change.... and it gets worse.... never better.
For me, the easier softer way is to deal with a problem when it comes up rather than wait to deal with it later... if it's a type of problem that will get worse by not dealing with it.
Also, for me... my head can spin real easily when I start thinking about God-stuff and HP-stuff. I can go through mental-masturbation, and end up screwing myself... if I don't keep my head in the "here and now" and keep my feet solidly planted on the ground.
Since, while my feet are on the ground -- I'm convinced that I'll never really understand the God-stuff. So, I need to focus my attention on my actions rather than my thinking, in regards to God. If I take the right actions -- eventually my thinking will change. If I take the right actions -- it doesn't matter if I understand the God-stuff, because... in essense, by taking the right actions I'll be doing God's will regardless if I understand it or not. I personally believe that God, as I understand Him, is more concerned about my actions -- rather than my thinking. That's what I believe the term "faith without works is dead" means. God as I understand Him doesn't care if I have faith or not, as long as I'm doing the works. It's the works that produces the results... not the faith.
Since I can't really tell you what to do... I can only tell you what I do. If you can make any sense of it and it helps you... that's good. And, if not... that's good, too.
I hope that helps.