I've heard of "Step Zero", which is willingness.
Yep, willing to go to any lengths, as the garden man said.
I was looking for someone to sponsor me through the steps & I asked this woman. She said no, that unless you drank you didn't need to work the steps again (I disagree), but if you drank then, obviously, you missed something & you didn't "get it".
The committee went round & round wondering what did they miss & what didn't they get? I thought it was something lofty & spiritual & about God that only monks could get or whatever.
Then it hit me - the fact that, if I am an alcoholic, I can't safely drink!
No! Could it be that simple? Could that be what was missed?
Sure, there's lots more after that, but for me that's the very 1st thing.
If I overlook this basic truth, all the rest of the program is crippled for me in some way.
Hang in there Julie & know we're all here for you. And I bet God even thanks Himself for Paul!