I drank last night

[Tim]

Welcome back to Sobrietyland. Glad to read that you are once again attending AA meetings.

I truly do know that I'm powerless over alcohol, I have NO doubt in my mind that I am.
Tape this to your bathroom mirror. Repeat to remember. Remember to repeat.

Don't doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.

Take care and hang in there...Tim

[Dallas]

Keep coming back.

[Jools]

Ok, here's the deal........

Sunday, when I called my sponsor she asked me to call her after the meeting, which I did. She then told me to sign myself into detox. I told her I'm not going to do that and she said..you're not ready then and hung up on me. I just looked at the phone baffled, wondering how in the heck does she think she knows if I'm ready or not and thought about it for a few days. Not angry, just wondering if she was the right sponsor for me anyway.

In the 60 days that I was sober we talked on the phone almost daily, she called me ONCE during that time and made the fact known that she usually doesn't call...well hoity toit for her I thought. Not ONCE did she ask me if I wanted to get together to go to a meeting or to read the big book or talk about the steps. I went to three meetings she was at, one was the first meeting I went to, 2nd was her picking up her 30 year chip and the 3rd was by chance. But then I didn't "ask" her to meet me so who was at fault here?

I've been going to meetings every day since and just listening to the different women in AA, not talking to anyone on the phone because the only person I was talking to b4 was my sponsor. I had gotten a couple of phone numbers from women who sounded like they were working the program, but never called.

Today I had a breakdown, I started crying here at work. Personally, I didn't care if I lived or died. Drinking didn't work for me but neither was just going to meetings. I finally pulled out those phone numbers and started calling, I called 3 women, reached one and left messages for the other two. The 4th call was to my sponsor and she asked if I was in a halfway house? Nope. Then why are you calling me? I told her that I needed someone to talk to and told her what I was feeling, utterly hopeless, hurting inside but not knowing why,couldn't stop crying, etc. We talked and she told me to go to a meeting which I did. The things she said really helped me. She told me that surrendering like I am will bring serenity.

One of the ladies I called returned my phone call. She told me she knew EXACTLY how I was feeling inside. She told me what happened to her and how she felt and what I'm feeling is normal for only being 5 days sober. She offered to meet me after work this evening and told me to bring my big book. So I am.

I felt like I was going crazy literally, I was hurting so much that I wasn't going to allow my fear of trusting people to stop me. You see, I felt really let down by my sponsor, just like most of the people in my life. But in the end she was there with love and guidance.

I've come to the conclusion that I've isolated in sobriety just like I did when I drank except for going to meetings. I also realize that I have to go to meetings without my husband because I want to form relationships with other women in AA. I'm going to have to pick up that phone and call.

Thanx for listening.

Julie

[GeoffS]

Hi,

sounds like its not been easy, but like Dallas said, you need to do what you need to do, and for you it was having a drink and feeling the pain and suffering.

I can't stress enough how much making the calls helps, even if its awkward at first. I was a real isolator, saw need to take action daily to keep connected. Sounds like you might be similar.

Sounds like your sponsor helped when you got current with her. Thats important. Also there is no reason that a sponsor need be the only AA member we talk to or work with. Neither do we need to stick with a sponsor through loyalty etc. A good sponsor only wants to help, no matter what.

Stay current in AA, and look at what you can do now that changes what went before.

all the best

[Jools]

Hey Geoff,

Thanks for the reply. I met with another lady last night, she's a really neat lady and I can tell she is more than willing to help me. We had dinner last night then went out to my car and went thru "The Doctors Opinion". I read that when I first got sober, but she pointed out things to me that I never would have noticed on my own.

I'm glad I was hurting yesterday because it made me reach out and I've made three new lady friends in AA.

I'm very grateful for this site and people like you.

J

[Dallas]

Hi Julie, I hope today is going much better for you. Geoff gave you some good suggestions.

Drinking didn't work for me but neither was just going to meetings. I finally pulled out those phone numbers and started calling,

I understand! I nearly died from not drinking and going to meetings. It wouldn't work for an alcoholic of my type (as I later learned). For me to achieve and maintain sobriety -- it would require more than going to meetings. And, I thank God, that I found the solution that would work.

Yesterday evening I visited with a good AA friend from the past that I haven't seen in a few years. I learned that he's been having some major health problems. Heart problems. Now, cancer. He was not my sponsor -- officially -- but he was one of the guys that helped me just as much or if not more than a sponsor would help. I identified with him as an alcoholic and as a person. He shared kindness, and love and friendship with me. He often talked to me in little one liners that it took me several years to figure out what he meant by them, and then he would share some simple ones -- that I could understand what he meant at the time that he said them. His name is Jim B., and he's one of the finest examples of A.A. that I have ever known.

Yesterday, Jim made the comment and a question of "what is a spiritual experience?" And, he made reference to the Steps, and particularly Step 12.

Here was his answer: "The first spiritual experience that I had was when I realized that God was doing for me -- what I could not do for myself."

To me, that was profound.

We have to take full responsibility and accountability for our own sobriety. It isn't a sponsors job to get us sober or keep us sober. They can't do that. If they could, and would -- we wouldn't need God. If a sponsor could keep us sober, or if meetings would keep us sober -- we wouldn't need God.

In my case -- God was helping me to stay sober. He must have been helping me to stay sober, I discovered, because I sure couldn't do it alone... but, I did have to do ALL THAT I COULD DO.

So, as God was helping me to stay sober -- I'm still an alcoholic. Right? So, I became very miserable, full of pain and misery, depression, restless, irritable, couldn't even finish a sentence when talking -- and that's what I was like sober.

I had three choices:

1. To return to drinking and find temporary comfort, and then die painfully drinking while I was very miserable, full of pain and misery, depression, restless, irritable, couldn't even finish a sentence.

2. To try and stay sober as long as I could and go to AA meetings and then die painfully drinking while I was very miserable, full of pain and misery, depression, restless, irritable, and not finish sentences.

Or,

3. Discover the real solution -- that God has made available through A.A. And, that solution is God's tools that He has provided to me -- in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It is my responsibility to read the book, study the book, and pray that God will help me understand what I'm reading in the book -- and then ask someone who has read the book that understands what's in the book because "they've followed the instructions in the book"... "if I want what they have"... So, I need to be sure that I'm asking someone that has followed the instructions -- and is comfortable living sober, their life is working, and they are reasonably happy, joyous and free... while sober.

When I find those people... even now... just as in my beginning, I try to hang close with them. Keep in touch with them. Find out what they are doing that I might be able to do, also.

Even though God helps me to stay sober, and AA friends and sponsors help me, the bottomline is that I am responsible for my actions. And, my actions will either lead me closer to a drink or further away from a drink.

Hang in there. If you are waiting for "the miracle to happen" forget it. The miracle will not happen unless and not until you use the tools and resources that God has provided to you. There is no easier, softer, way. We HAVE TO WORK FOR IT. And, when we work for it... we trust God, clean house, help others... the miracles begin to happen. I call them miracles... because we can't produce them alone. We need God's help and God's tools and we need ALL of the other of God's children.

Everyone in AA is important. Everyone not in AA is important. We are important. If one of us is not important then none of us are important. If one of us is important -- then all of us is important. There is no most important person in any room any where. They are all most important.

It takes the entire package offered to us: The Steps, the program, the people, new and old, and God.

I wish you and all of you(s) the best.

Dallas