So happy you are here with us & living the 11th day of the rest of your sobriety!
I am so impressed that you are able to say, "I can't deny what I feel." This is honesty! I was the great pretender & once I got sober I knew the pretending was over. It was one of those old ideas I wanted to hold onto that didn't work. But it was so painful to be real.I didn't even know HOW to be real. I was such a shipwreck, the Titanic had nothing on me!
They used to ream me pretty bad at meetings. Someone told me, "Some people need to suit up & show up; some need to suit up &grow up & some need to suit up & SHUT UP." And they were glaring right at me!
I would go home all hurt & mad & then it occurred to me: maybe they're right. It was then I got a sponsor cuz I had no clue how to get out of the emotional zoo I was in. My 1st sponsor was a really tough biker & I always felt she had no use for me. She was proof to me that God can work through anybody!
I read the other day that honesty is the beginning of humility & humility is the beginning of sanity & that seemed right cuz it's a process.
It's been helpful to me to do something physical to vent that anger - no hitting!
I like to garden or walk or punch my pillow.
You are beautiful. Stay with us. We love you.