- Day 10

Day 10




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

Day 10

Postby Jools » Wed Nov 05, 2008 8:07 pm

Hello,

I want to come on here and be all positive and a happy lil sober person, but I can't. I can't deny what I've feel today so I'll just lay it out there.

First of all, I'm angry, I'm SO dang angry and I don't know why. I hurt, I hurt so much and I don't know why. I sat here reading on this website today and the tears were just rolling down my face. Why was I crying??? I do not have a clue. I called my sponsor who said she'd call me right back. Never called.

I went to a meeting at 5:30 and sat there and cried. I didn't say anything because I feel like people, including y'all are sick and tired of my negative attitude. So I just cried and listened.

After the meeting I called and left my sponsor a message. I told her that I understand that she's a really busy woman, she works at their car lot during the week and on weekends she works two 16 hour days, not to mention kids, etc. I told her I've only been sober ten days and I really need her to be there, but if she can't, I certainly understand with all she has on her plate. Just let me know and i'll move on.

She called me back and asked what was going on. I told her that I am so angry and in so much pain and I don't know why. I got the ole you're right where you're supposed to be which is NOT what I wanted to hear. She said that the only emotion, we know when we quit drinking, IS anger. And we KNOW how to be angry she says, which made me chuckle because it's so true. She said, when I do my 4th step I'll see that there are other emotions that anger is masking, like shame, hurt, etc.

We're meeting tomorrow night to move on to the next chapter of the BB which is Bills story and then going to a meeting. I'm ready, I'm ready to do whatever it takes today to not drink and I did.

I understood today why I relapse..to numb this pain and anger that I don't understand. She said I can feed my addiction today or I can feed my sobriety and I chose to feed my sobriety. Small victory but I don't feel victorious.

It really helps me to share what I'm really feeling. Today I didn't care if I lived or died it hurt so much inside, but I didn't drink and I'll go to bed thankful for that.

Sincerely,
Julie
Jools
 
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Postby Omaha » Thu Nov 06, 2008 12:58 am

Hi Julie,

I have nothing profound to say to you. I do believe that if you make it through this hellish period with your sobriety intact you will look back on this time as one of the most courageous moments of your life. I will pray for you and hope that your next 24 hrs are better than your last 24. God Bless you. You are NOT alone.
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Postby ccs » Thu Nov 06, 2008 1:31 am

Hi ((((((((((JULIE)))))))))) hugs to ya thanks for being honest and open
I know all too well that feeling of anger and not knowing why and I too hated when my sponsor said the right where your supossed to be thing
and Ihated that she was RIGHT!!

I know that the only emotion I knew was anger seems that when I got sober that was the only way I could express my self I was soooo emotionally immature(still am!!) I was either p***ed off or balling my eyes out
just hang in there I can see your growth just from what you write in here and in my oppinion choosing to feed your sobriety is
NO SMALL VICTORY!!!! its pretty darn BIG !!!
I know sometimes it hurts so bad that its hard just to breath but like they say if we do the right things it will pass and I know if the only thing I do today is go to bed sober then I`ve done the right thing
LUV YA :D :D
ccs
 
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Postby Jools » Thu Nov 06, 2008 8:32 am

Good morning,

Thank you for your replies and a warm welcome to you, Omaha. I don't want profound replies, your reply and prayers mean more than you'll ever know. Gods gonna get sick of hearing from all of us about Julie and He's gonna zap me happy. :wink: Just kidding, I'm doing the work necessary to bring about that spiritual change.

Cessie, it really helps to know someone else felt exactly like I do. Today is a new day and, even tho I feel that anger in the pit of my stomach, I'm going to continually pray throughout the day. I can't HE can.

Ya know, a lady in the meeting came up and hugged me last night and told me that she was proud of me for continuing to come to meetings even tho I was suffering so much inside. She said that's strength, Julie. Of course I let that wash right off my back and focused on what a blubbering idiot I am. It's time to put the stick down and give myself a break.

Love y'all,
Julie
Jools
 
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Postby sunlight » Thu Nov 06, 2008 1:28 pm

Hi Julie,

So happy you are here with us & living the 11th day of the rest of your sobriety!

I am so impressed that you are able to say, "I can't deny what I feel." This is honesty! I was the great pretender & once I got sober I knew the pretending was over. It was one of those old ideas I wanted to hold onto that didn't work. But it was so painful to be real.I didn't even know HOW to be real. I was such a shipwreck, the Titanic had nothing on me! :lol:

They used to ream me pretty bad at meetings. Someone told me, "Some people need to suit up & show up; some need to suit up &grow up & some need to suit up & SHUT UP." And they were glaring right at me! :shock:

I would go home all hurt & mad & then it occurred to me: maybe they're right. It was then I got a sponsor cuz I had no clue how to get out of the emotional zoo I was in. My 1st sponsor was a really tough biker & I always felt she had no use for me. She was proof to me that God can work through anybody!

I read the other day that honesty is the beginning of humility & humility is the beginning of sanity & that seemed right cuz it's a process.

It's been helpful to me to do something physical to vent that anger - no hitting! :lol: :lol: I like to garden or walk or punch my pillow.

You are beautiful. Stay with us. We love you.
sunlight
 
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Postby Dallas » Thu Nov 06, 2008 7:18 pm

Omaha, a warm welcome to you from me, also.

Julie,

What you've described -- sounds to me, like alcohol-ISM.

When I came to AA, I heard that my life would get better if I just didn't drink.

Well... the longer I went without a drink -- the worse I felt and I couldn't deal with my life sober.

I discovered that I was a real alcoholic -- and the only thing that was going to treat my alcohol-ISM would be a spiritual treatment.

We have a recipie in the big book, to treat alcoholism with a spiritual experience. It's the 12 Steps. The only way I could do it was to precisely follow the clear-cut instructions in the book -- to produce my own spiritual experience, that would relieve me of my alcoholism, and make me comfortable and reasonably happy while sober.

My sponsor couldn't do it for me.
Meetings couldn't do it for me.
The entire Fellowship of AA couldn't do it for me.
I had to take those instructions in the book,
follow them precisely,
and, to do it for myself.

God could and would IF -- He is sought.

What we have is a way to seek God's help, through the tools that God has provided to us -- the 12 Steps.

That's what worked for me.
And, it will work for you, also.

Dallas B.
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Postby garden variety » Thu Nov 06, 2008 9:06 pm

Hi Omaha - a belated how-do to you, too.

I like that recipe Dallas - let me taste some of that spiritual stuff you got on your plate. Maybe you have some leftovers?

OK I'll cook up my own today.

You are so right bro -anything that works for you, works for me too, and it will work for Julie too. We're living proof of that.

Follow those directions precisely. Yup. It's a simple recipe too - those 12 steps work on anything life gives me, and they all fit on a single page.
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Postby kiltylyn » Fri Nov 07, 2008 7:00 am

Hi Julie
Im glad you could come here and write down just what you were feeling.
Anger/ bitterness/hatred is a danger for me, still is today. I was so full of it when I came into the fellowship, look at me the wrong way and I would feel the anger rise in me. It used to frighten me as I would put myself in postions to be hurt and harmed.. Since coming though a program of recovery/change a lot of the anger went and I was able to feel compasion/ understanding towards certain folk in my past. You are doing the right thing , talking to your sponsor and going through the program. Please believe me it does go in time. I still get resentful at times but the miracle of coming through a program is that just for today I dont want to drink no matter of whats going on within me, my higher power has made that possible
Thank God for the Program
LInda
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Postby Jools » Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:39 am

Hey y'all,

Sorry I haven't been around much, I've been busy at work and at home and haven't had much chance to get on here. I've missed y'all tho. Coming to this site helps me to stay focused on what I need to do today to stay sober.

I appreciate the sharing and the love here. :) Y'all are the best.

Odd thing, I've been feeling pretty good the past 4 or five days but I've noticed that, since I'm feeling good, I've kind of let off on praying and keeping AA the center of my life. I lived dry for 9 years and it really wasn't much fun. I tried to act as if I was happy when I was truly just as miserable and angry as I was when I was drinking. I truly want what this program has to over and I'm willing to do what I need to do to get where I need to be.

I called my sponsor last night and told her I feel stagnant, like I'm just kind of slipping along and I'm gonna slip myself right back into that bar if I don't start taking some action. I feel like I have to wait on her to move on.

Anyway, we're going to meet again tonight and plan to meet every Thursday for a while. I don't want to become complacent and not work the steps cuz I know that they are what's going to make Julie better.

Hope y'all are well today.

Julie
Jools
 
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Postby Dallas » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:49 am

Hey Julie.

Keep coming back.

We care!

Dallas
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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - Day 10